Now that this is finally over
For the very first time
I feel like I am sober,
And the ink has dried,
Sealing this past October.
You have nowhere to hide
Except in this misery
That is torturing your mind,
Adding insult to injury.
I watch and I cackle,
Hoping you had the courtesy,
But you cut and you tackle,
Hiding jokes in apologies.
So, now that this is over,
I can finally do as I please,
Make life my lover,
Burn all your memories.
-Jackie
They keep writing best-selling novels about how enchanted I should feel
When someone looks at me like they own me,
Like I owe them my sex appeal.
They call me stuck up when I complain, they never want to hear me out.
So, I write it down on paper and burn it,
Making sure I do not make a sound.
They gloss over the battle wounds I carry under my aluminum belts.
As long as they do not notice the bruising,
They do not want to hear about the welts.
They even act shocked when people like me decorate the front pages,
And they march in the streets to stop it,
Displaying their little, poisonous rages.
But those who live in cages of their own making will never be free,
They will bite the neck of every wild bird
To taste the flesh of their final fantasy.
Let me be clear, I do not pity them, I just hope they cannot catch me
As I steal their eyeballs when they are asleep
So they can no longer lick their lips at me.
I will keep writing petty little poems about how disgusted I always feel
When someone talks like I am a trophy,
Like I am something that they can steal.
-Jackie
This winter is difficult to carry alone,
I feel it gnawing at my brittle bones.
It growls when I leave, howls when I return,
It chokes me out with its freezing fur.
The darkness slips through my window at night,
I feel it lingering to my right.
It holds up my chin and makes me drink,
It drowns me in thoughts I cannot win.
The snow is falling gently on my floor,
And the winds run through the open door.
My limbs go numb, my tongue capitulates.
As the light will die, they will speculate –
What happened to her, what happened here?
Was she killed by a heartbreak or was it fear?
They will never blame the long winter nights,
They will never check their alibis,
And they will say:
“She didn’t put up a fight.”
-Jackie
You ran through my mind, ran faster than a bullet,
And got stuck to my skull like old bubble gum.
You ripped my thoughts, and you emptied my wallet,
Danced around me, smelling of tobacco and rum.
You hit my forehead like a golden lightning bolt,
Emptying my lungs of fresh air to breathe.
You spilled all the lies that I have never told,
Then baked my brain in the summer heat.
You watched as they took me for a careless woman,
You did not try to correct them once.
They branded me immoral, branded me inhuman,
They said I should go and listen to the nuns.
You spun me around faster than an autumn storm,
And I did not get a chance to land on my feet.
This romance, it used to be biting yet warm,
Now it bathes in my loss, my ultimate defeat.
-Jackie
The sentences I dare to say out loud,
They speak a lot about great forgiveness,
They talk about trying, and they gather crowds
Like all great monologues about falling to pieces.
But I am not happy or hopeful at all
Watching people die from this empty glass palace.
Whenever someone believes me, my skin crawls,
And death refills my shattered chalice.
I am selling an illusion, and I am selling out.
I am selling my ideas to the highest bidder.
Even though it seems like I should not be allowed,
Still, I feel lonely, I feel bitter,
Almost like my words erase all my actions,
And nothing counts at the end of the day.
If you think you see right through me, that is just a fraction,
Just another scenario, another play.
The carousel never stops spinning and selling me,
It runs on this worthless business of hope,
It runs on people with the finest pedigree,
And those like me, trying to escape the rope.
-Jackie
Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, form a circle.
Stand around her limp body as she struggles to scream.
No pictures, just memories of how she turns purple.
Watch as her life comes apart at the seams.
What once was a fate sewn with golden thread
Has now turned into patchwork with missing pieces.
All the kind words she spoke have now turned to threats,
And her beauty is getting lost in the creases.
Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, come even closer.
Look how she shakes when they unleash all her mistakes.
Her final breaths sound like a story lacking closure,
And her innocent eyes grow calm like lakes.
-Jackie
I see it all in retrospect now,
I see how it all played out –
How I gleefully jumped up and down
When I received the news,
How I declared my love out loud
While missing all the cues.
I see it all clearly now, I swear.
I know I look worse for wear,
Stuck in my own head,
Unable to forgive my own fears.
But I promise I was so in love,
I could have called an enemy dear.
I see it all crumble to pieces in my palm.
Not one, not two – three times,
Yet somehow, I stay calm
As they tell me to forget about the rhymes,
Forget my own gods and psalms.
I see it all turning to dust, I see it dying.
You know, the prophets were lying –
And everyone who came after them too.
My lips are turning ocean blue
As I compose another poem about trying.
I see it all becoming my past,
I knew good things were not meant to last.
Was it good though?
Was it just coping until someone asked –
Do you notice yourself sinking down low?
I see myself appearing full of hope,
But I am at the end of my rope.
I see how it all played out,
The memories feel like shouts
As I approach the downward slope.
I see it all in retrospect now,
I see myself, hear the whys and the hows,
And maybe that is enough,
Enough to make a vow –
Exit before the times get rough,
Exit, love, exit now.
-Jackie
One day your estranged children and wives won’t call you back,
They will only politely check in once a month.
Your lungs will catch up with your heart, they will grow black.
One day you will run out of good women to hunt.
And one day your family will visit, but right before you pass.
You will naively pretend that they truly care,
You will try to not choke on the fake smiles and raise your glass
As your grandchildren will joyfully stare.
And right then and there out of all the tales you will tell,
The one your family will love the most will be called
“She Is Getting Better at Wishing You Well”,
Then they will pack up and head straight to the local mall.
You will think about how my face turned grey when you touched me,
The sickness will eat at your empty chest.
The regret will overflow your arteries, but you always get lucky.
You will never die, you will never rest.
I know it is all in my head, I am driving my own ship half-mast.
I know it is not going to happen, I know this is silly,
But even small people like me need to escape their past,
So, I hope you will never be happy because otherwise the weight might kill me.
Still, I hope you know I never got better at wishing you well.
You did not seem to be someone who takes the hint,
But I can only pray that the rest of your life feels like hell,
And the memories of me bite you like freezing wind.
-Jackie
It’s evening again, I try to recall what has happened,
How all these minutes slipped through my fingers,
How all my moments are suddenly overlapping
And not even one stays with me,
Not one lingers.
It’s a Tuesday again, I barely remember this day.
When did I bruise my arm, when did I scream?
It feels like the clocks lie, they lead me astray,
And each evening the city lights wink,
They deceit me and gleam.
But it’s a Thursday, I don’t remember last Monday.
Maybe I’m doing something wrong, how can I fix it?
I’ve never believed a god, but for my time I will pray,
I will pay for a way out of this hell,
Just give me a ticket.
Just tell me it’s not a Sunday again, I can’t take it.
The jewels on my wrists sparkle at perfect strangers.
When I look at them, honey, I see love so naked,
So perfectly empty and shallow,
I feel foolish for ignoring the danger.
And I see you come home late at night, I don’t care.
I let the alcohol and your insecurities tear you apart,
Because I know that I have nothing left to spare –
You broke my shining eyes,
Then left my soul in the dark.
Still, it’s going to be a beautiful morning tomorrow,
You will pretend like you haven’t taken my civility,
Like you have never known the source of my sorrows.
I will upkeep that illusion, I will,
For the sake of my own stability.
It’s evening again, I try to recall what has happened,
How all these minutes slipped through my fingers,
How all my moments are suddenly overlapping
And not even one stays with me,
Not one lingers.
-Jackie
I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,
Bled for thirteen days before you turned me into a meal,
And you ate angrily, devoured me with great vengeance,
Hoping I would finally give up and go with the angels.
Between all these assumptions you made me carry,
The one about me falling on my knees really scare me.
There must have been a moment you realized:
“My chains will get her weak, emotionally paralyzed.”
Then, there must have been a moment you knew
That you cannot fix the damage you have caused with glue.
I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,
Bled for days to make you slip on a banana peel.
And I made you fall into the abyss due to a technicality.
You swore you would climb out, but you lack the mentality.
I stand by the very edge and laugh as your face disappears,
As it vanishes, as my heart erases my deepest fears.
-Jackie
The Daily Writing of Jackie Wright 