Better God

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Sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to let it all go,

Let you put on your big boy pants, let you enter the show.

Still, I know men like you tend to stay forever too young,

A little too scared to address the holes they punch in lungs.

It is now almost nine months since you pulled your excuses.

I wonder where I rank in the list of all your muses.

Let me know – is your unapologetic gaze finally done?

I know your wife prays every night you do not have a son.

You pray every night that I do not let my demons win.

Well, I hope you find a better God because mine lets me sin.

But you already know, the past strikes back when it pleases.

So, save your voice, you will need it to beg for Jesus.

-Jackie

Fool

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I know you’re annoyed because I love myself more than you.

I feel you twisting under my skin, but you don’t have a clue.

My bones burn in agony, my face flushes like a hundred suns.

How foolish of you to presume that someone like me

Could ever fall for “the one”.

Men have tried to crawl into my ears and eyes for years,

But as soon as the taste hits my tongue, it all disappears.

My irises blossom like forests, my heart smells like flowers.

How silly of you to expect that someone like me

Could ever be easily devoured.

-Jackie

More

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The more I try to stop air from destroying my throat,

The more it twists its knife and breaks me like an oath.

The more I try to stop time from killing my senses,

The more it slips away from me and drops the chances.

I beg it to freeze, then I put fire to its dirty feet,

But I get nothing in return, I just watch it twist and bleed.

Yes, maybe I am sinister for wanting to stay alive,

Maybe I should get used to this, just smile and abide.

Still, I see kings laughing on serpentine thrones

While I grow weaker and run these kingdoms alone.

I am far too tortured to cling on to feelings like fear.

There is no fairness in war, at least that is what I hear.

-Jackie

Kneel

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I sing my high praises, then burn my dignity.

A vicious cycle drenched in pride and jealousy.

I kneel to the victors, then take them home.

My bed is the last place they ever feel alone.

Still, I twirl for the kings and bow to the ring.

Only the best acts can make them wink.

Stop assigning me morality, it is long dead,

Watch as its skeleton dries out on my bed.

-Jackie

Ticking

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The months kept passing by and the places you once took from me became my favorite.

I bought every corner of this kingdom out of spite, just to ensure you do not get a part of it.

The tears sliding down my cheeks these days turn into coins without me even trying.

I considered renting your palace out to the harlequins you hate, but it was not worth buying.

You said that snakes practice for years to get out of their old skins and just move on.

I guess you have never met a filthy woman who has been bitten, betrayed and wronged.

The smart ones do not play chess, they burn down the figurines and kill the other player.

Watch as I take my time back and pile on ground onto your grave, layer by cursed layer.

-Jackie

Fill My Cup

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Honey, do not get your sword bloody,

Save the blade for someone deserving.

The lines are blurry, the waters – muddy,

The gleam in your eyes feels concerning.

Honey, do not get your armor broken,

Kneel before me and do not look up.

Our lives might once have been interwoven,

But now only power fills my cup.

-Jackie

Late Night Fever

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The streets giggle under my feet as I walk them at night,

They point at my tears, they mock my shaking thighs.

Velvet cars pass by, but they might as well pass through.

It really has been weeks since this world has felt brand new.

And I know it is only twenty-five, not an end of an era.

I wanted to make them all mine, but they called me Hera.

This pressure I carry in my shoes tends to break my neck

Because every night I spend with people tastes like regret.

I do not even hate them, but I love these city streets.

Someone follows you home, somebody faces defeat…

The lights jingle above me as I unlock my unlucky door.

Nobody has to know how many times I punch the floor.

-Jackie

My Kingdom Bleeds Emerald

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They gave me silver rings and emerald necklaces,

Filled my ears with lies

And then filled my chalices.

They dressed me in smooth silk until I coughed pearls.

They promised to stay,

So, I spun, and I twirled.

I spilled my truths on the floor like a sacred brew.

Their tongues ran dry,

They told me they knew.

But I tripped on my words, and I ripped the dresses.

I told them to run

And clean up my messes.

They put snakes in my bed, yet they never strangled me.

They called me a witch,

Drowned in their jealousy.

It was clear they did not know much better than this –

They were sinking,

Dragging me into the abyss.

They gave me some rings and emerald necklaces,

Filled my cups with poison,

Then burned my palaces.

-Jackie

Drown Me

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In my nightmares I lose my teeth and run from people who left me years ago.

It is tragedy after tragedy, lost moments and memories that feel like vertigo.

I sip champagne from ice glasses and slay the men who trapped my flesh,

And as soon as I awake, the deep wounds I once healed feel raw and fresh.

In my nightmares the people who stayed are swept away by terrible hurricanes,

But in my dreams I get to meet some people who will never learn my name.

I hang from windows of old buildings and scream until my lungs are wrecked,

Then fall to the ground just to wake up in my own bed, drenched in cold sweat.

In my nightmares I follow creatures down the paths I choose to never take.

If they keep it between us, nobody has to know what happened by the lake.

I walk on the frozen surface until I see the cracks spreading around me…

Because in my nightmares nobody else but me can finally drown me.

-Jackie

Little Confessions

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We confessed our sins and you got pardoned.

They burned my ships and blew up my harbors.

Life shows its funny side only to those who win.

Hard to keep your head above the water

If you never learned to swim.

Yet, I always told myself you were the exception,

I gathered the crowds, granted you protection.

In the midst of it all, you found reasons to leave,

Claiming that I am just a trickster,

Always carrying a card up my sleeve.

But I planted roses while you killed my truth,

And when I fell from grace, you offered a truce.

My God, how did I lose my crown so quickly?

You moved your tongue like a bullet,

I never knew what hit me.

All the confessions got spread across the streets,

Not yours, only mine, only those about my sheets.

Love, you really should have known better than this.

You might shake the ground beneath me,

But I never miss.

-Jackie