Tag: Sinking Below The Nadir

I see it all in retrospect now,

I see how it all played out –

How I gleefully jumped up and down

When I received the news,

How I declared my love out loud

While missing all the cues.

I see it all clearly now, I swear.

I know I look worse for wear,

Stuck in my own head,

Unable to forgive my own fears.

But I promise I was so in love,

I could have called an enemy dear.

I see it all crumble to pieces in my palm.

Not one, not two – three times,

Yet somehow, I stay calm

As they tell me to forget about the rhymes,

Forget my own gods and psalms.

I see it all turning to dust, I see it dying.

You know, the prophets were lying –

And everyone who came after them too.

My lips are turning ocean blue

As I compose another poem about trying.

I see it all becoming my past,

I knew good things were not meant to last.

Was it good though?

Was it just coping until someone asked –

Do you notice yourself sinking down low?

I see myself appearing full of hope,

But I am at the end of my rope.

I see how it all played out,

The memories feel like shouts

As I approach the downward slope.

I see it all in retrospect now,

I see myself, hear the whys and the hows,

And maybe that is enough,

Enough to make a vow –

Exit before the times get rough,

Exit, love, exit now.

-Jackie

I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,

Bled for thirteen days before you turned me into a meal,

And you ate angrily, devoured me with great vengeance,

Hoping I would finally give up and go with the angels.

Between all these assumptions you made me carry,

The one about me falling on my knees really scare me.

There must have been a moment you realized:

“My chains will get her weak, emotionally paralyzed.”

Then, there must have been a moment you knew

That you cannot fix the damage you have caused with glue.

I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,

Bled for days to make you slip on a banana peel.

And I made you fall into the abyss due to a technicality.

You swore you would climb out, but you lack the mentality.

I stand by the very edge and laugh as your face disappears,

As it vanishes, as my heart erases my deepest fears.

-Jackie

These stories of shame and helpless wander,

I used to collect them like dirty pearls, wrap them around my neck,

Acting like this noose was a necklace,

Pretending that I held the right cards when I’ve lost my deck.

But I’ve burned the shyness, I’ve killed it.

Believe me when I say that I bathed in the ashes for hours.

Now all I hear are sirens, they get louder,

And I get this sudden urge to embowel everything we called “ours”.

It’s time for you to get pushed out on the open street,

Face your past demons, face your grizzliest fears.

Hear my stories, stop, and hear them out just once.

Let them burn you down like they’ve burned me for years,

Like they’ve killed me me for months.

-Jackie