Tag: Self-Envy Playbook

I blame myself for how far I’ve come,

Blame myself for surviving.

These ropes have long come undone,

But I still crave the violence.

All the fighting and blemished prides…

Do you still despise me?

I’m changing politics like tides.

They say it seems surprising.

And I blame myself for their emotions,

Waiting for the judgment,

With nothing in my heart but devotion,

A pinch of lust and torment.

All the silence and unreturned whispers…

Do you hear me laughing?

I used to call myself a sister,

Now I find mirrors jarring.

-Jackie

Soon enough it will come to you,

It will slide around your neck with vines.

Do not resist, do not pull back.

Sip the poison like cheap wine.

Soon enough they will lie to you.

The blade will only scar when twisted.

Breathe the fumes, let them spread.

You can run or you can risk it.

Soon enough I will call you home.

The sound will crack your skull in two.

Stay calm, do not rush it.

Trap the beast in your own zoo.

-Jackie

The temptation blinds me

Even more than rage.

It hits me like a light beam,

Charms me like a sage.

I wish we never met,

You wish I wouldn’t lie.

Lust is a numbers game,

But so are goodbyes.

Are my words enchanting?

Do they just sicken you?

Your eyes won’t answer

So I cut your parachute.

As the trees crush you,

Whisper my name.

I’ll die before I trust you.

I know you feel the same.

-Jackie

I switch out my scenery every time it punches back,

And I call places haunted long before I get to see them.

All this constant running, it makes me lose track.

Was I ever the hero or was I always the demon?

Let me jump in the deep end and float away.

Maybe time will grant me lessons scars never could.

They all knew, but could not find the strength to say –

I was the cursed soul rotting this neighborhood.

Why did it take me years to catch up and face it?

Why did I want these streets to prove me wrong?

I kept changing the postal code until I erased it,

And now I am not sure if I will ever belong.

-Jackie

It’s just another illness – drink green tea, buy some ointment,

Then pretend the phone doesn’t ring if they keep calling.

Ask the city streets for answers, schedule appointments,

And when someone inquires, pretend you’re not stalling.

Bury your humming head in the sand, let it suffocate.

I read the best doctors here heal it in less than a week.

Listen to your friends when they curse while you meditate,

And try to remember that you’re not broken, just weak.

Pay your bills, hoping that they are paying theirs too,

Sitting in the dark, chain-smoking as the night dies.

I really wish this empty feeling wasn’t such a taboo,

I really wish they had it in them to apologize.

-Jackie

They don’t drag people down like they used in my day.

They don’t count the blessings until all debts are paid.

These characters they play make me sick to the bone.

They claim they know hell, but I once called it home.

And don’t even get me started on their unused armor –

They can’t carry the weight, they can’t push any harder.

When the flames licked my skin, I used to charm demons.

They kneel to their pain, bow in front of their feelings.

They don’t dissect hope like it’s simply a plot hole,

And I twitch as their Tuesdays are making them whole.

My doubt whispers under its breath like some thief:

“They’re everything who you once wanted to be.”

-Jackie

Hunger clasps its nails around the corners of my mouth,

It drags them both together, then pulls them down south.

These wide smiles that I plaster on my lips never fade,

And some say I got bestowed upon them by cruel fate.

They seem confident that my youth wears blackout shades

While I wrote seven books of their secrets of trade.

My chest tightens as these indirect questions shoot through.

At every twist and turn I tell them something untrue.

This façade is crumbling at its sides with no one to see

Until their words paint my dark days pale ivory.

Fury traces my silhouette with bluish ashes.

One more spark, and I will pull out my finest matches.

-Jackie

Every edge, every crease, every piece of my palace,

It all stands before me as doves fill my chalice.

The translucent clouds squeeze in through my nose,

Releasing the crisp air through my neck and toes.

The light on my eyelids reflects all their glances,

But my cheeks grow too tired of faking romances.

These towers I built from the blood of my peace,

They will never sing louder than my hometown trees.

What if all of these dreams were only a story?

And what if this palace stands tall just to bore me?

With decades spilled down my fate’s ugly drain,

I shatter this palace to let in the rain.

-Jackie

This independence I have granted myself as a generous gift

Shall become a splinter in my heel even before I begin my journey.

I had the will and the fortune to avoid these frivolous grifts,

But the chord you struck with me, it broke me, and it tore me.

These days I am nothing but a vague memory of better times,

A past so free from chains and ropes it almost feels like heaven.

As I enter this grim town at midnight, carrying my ruby crimes,

I count the painless breaths but cannot manage more than seven.

-Jackie