Tag: mental illness

I Swear I Tried

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I heard you telling them I live in fantasies.

I was a shoe you found on a street,

Then threw it carelessly,

Hurting innocent civilians,

Laughing as you made them bleed.

And it was all my fault, wasn’t it, love?

My guts escaped my stomach like a wave,

And I knew you were watching from the front row,

No regrets, no,

No point to rescue, no point to save.

But I swear I tried to tell you I was hurting,

My eyes were painting the darkest pictures.

All you knew was that I was deserving –

Of your violent delights,

Of mockery and caricatures.

Yet, the balance shifted one word at a time.

Your olden ways got way too rusty,

My bruises healed, erasing your crimes,

But also giving you an illusion,

A feeling that you can trust me.

I heard you telling them you never touched me

As they took your shaking body away.

This feeling of golden joy, it just rushed me.

Don’t ever again underestimate

People standing up in your way.

-Jackie

One Eye Open

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Tonight, I cannot let myself fall asleep,

Cannot follow them when they drag me into the deep.

One eye open, one eye rolled back.

I lie on my bed with a knife behind my back.

The ceiling is black like a starless night,

And I am counting breaths before the end of this fight.

One eye open, one eye on the door.

This is not my first war, they have been keeping score.

There is always more than just this darkness.

My heart is obscure, but it is praying to the fathers.

One eye open, one eye looking at them,

Snarling, shaking, hot drool sparkling like gems.

No, I cannot follow them, I must stay,

Must keep their sharp nails and claws away.

One eye open, one eye unfazed.

As they reach for my neck, sunrays hit my face.

Saved.

-JW

Voiceless

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The voices that haunt me are deliberating in the corner.

I bet by Monday they will have fresh lies to tell me

And a better plan for getting me to the coroner.

My consciousness is floating in boiling charcoal debris.

As the voices sharpen their crooked yellow teeth,

I struggle to say a word, I struggle to breathe.

They approach me with crosses, raining blood on my bed,

And stare in disgust mixed with vain satisfaction

When I silently whisper, “I would rather be dead.”

The voices that haunt me are screaming my every thought.

I bet by Tuesday they will quiet me down

And dance in the ashes of all the fights I have fought.

-JW

My Curse

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Do you know what my nothingness tastes like?

It pushes my head under water until it is ripe.

The empty feeling cuts off my hair with scissors,

It pulls on my sleeve until I see vivid visions.

Some gray creatures climb in my fragile chest.

The static goes cold, and I leave out all the rest.

Bright red snowflakes land on my lucid irises,

They drip scarlet into my dearest promises.

Can you imagine what my nothingness tastes like?

I keep drowning as they tell me it is alright.

But the complete abandonment never sinks in.

It is my curse, treating my sanity like a sin.

-JW

Hive

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When all goes according to plan, my inner critic eats me alive.

The easy way is never the right one,

And the mind must always buzz like a hive.

Even if my head works like a charm and I manage to lift the curse,

My head drips red judgement ink

Into an electric anxiety hearse.

When the watch is not running the hours correctly, I crumble.

There is a part in me I fear the most,

A part that never learned to be humble.

Even if I master the minutes, the rhythm is never quite correct.

My tongue cuts open the folds of my brain,

Replaces thoughts with lies and neglect.

-JW

Before I Drown

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They keep telling me how I should step into the white light,

How I should chase it with even whiter noise and whiter lies.

I hide between juniper branches during the darkest nights,

Using poisonous berries and figs as my only disguise.

They creep up my legs but cannot take the violent screeches.

My back grows horns as soon as they whimper and cry.

I have been shooed away by seven dishonored preachers,

Saying wicked creatures like me should not even try.

But I learned to see the light in people’s actions years ago.

My pride swallows itself again when I fail to see my own.

They keep telling me that I could out-spin pure vertigo.

I grin and quietly whisper:

“This is my last plea before I drown.”

-JW

Do Not Stop

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The dust falls from the sky just like snow did this winter.

It was so many moons ago, but I remember the splinters.

My feet used to carry me past snow piles with such grace,

But death was covering my coffin in dark grey lace.

Sleep was my most violent nemesis, it kept me starving.

The fatigue quickly got to the point where it felt alarming.

I whispered to myself, praying I can keep going forward,

Hoping this is not the last sentence in my foreword.

The cold got to me, and my legs gave out almost daily.

Some mornings I could not get up as the room felt hazy.

My pupils swam aimlessly in my eye sockets for hours.

I dreamt of building bridges when I was burning towers.

-JW

Running In Place

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They are building a new house in my local park.

I have been running there for a whole year,

Been tripping over my shoelaces in the dark.

And I have no problem admitting my fears –

Change feels like a burden to me these days,

I am too afraid to ever hold something dear.

The sun keeps showering me with pity rays.

They tell me that headlights killed the deer.

Happy tears roll down my face like on cue,

I overstress about how I seem and appear.

You know the feeling, I really hope you do,

Because for the first time I truly need you here.

It is not a rut, it is not that I have grown blue.

I just cannot run on empty for another year.

-JW

The Downward Slope

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I reflected at the still lakes,

I searched through hundreds of wells.

They say I am missing my heart.

Well, I do not know where it fell.

The mirror image says nothing.

I am out of pity and patience.

The deep waters still scare me,

Even if they are an imitation.

My thoughts joke crudely,

Taking away the humanity I saved.

The left leg punches thin air,

The right one breaks, trying to be brave.

And I am stuck at the beginning,

Always tied to one more hope.

The end is reaching out its sharp claws.

I am headed for the downward slope.

-JW

Intrusive Thoughts

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My head creaks like the stairs of a haunted mansion.

It’s always my fault when I crumble,

It’s my fault if I call out the pretention.

The mind is a revolving door, it turns in twisted circles.

My nausea is building quickly

As the world illuminates like a circus.

And the tension in my neck is crawling up the spine.

Why do I suffer for their naive mistakes

If I can suffer for mine?

I wait patiently but I bet they won’t tell me what’s wrong.

The pain spreads in seven dimensions,

But they beg me to hold on.

My skin turns ghostly, and my eyes roll back into my skull.

One last heartbeat, one more breath,

And all goes dull.

-JW