Tag: mental health

I Swear I Tried

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I heard you telling them I live in fantasies.

I was a shoe you found on a street,

Then threw it carelessly,

Hurting innocent civilians,

Laughing as you made them bleed.

And it was all my fault, wasn’t it, love?

My guts escaped my stomach like a wave,

And I knew you were watching from the front row,

No regrets, no,

No point to rescue, no point to save.

But I swear I tried to tell you I was hurting,

My eyes were painting the darkest pictures.

All you knew was that I was deserving –

Of your violent delights,

Of mockery and caricatures.

Yet, the balance shifted one word at a time.

Your olden ways got way too rusty,

My bruises healed, erasing your crimes,

But also giving you an illusion,

A feeling that you can trust me.

I heard you telling them you never touched me

As they took your shaking body away.

This feeling of golden joy, it just rushed me.

Don’t ever again underestimate

People standing up in your way.

-Jackie

Not In The Cards

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The oblivion in the corner of my brain seems to grow.

It nags my senses, threatening a row,

Calling my peace a riot –

Despite my soul staying deadly quiet.

So why is it growing, who’s feeding its rhetoric?

These thoughts are so vehement,

They launch at me with grave disgust,

Dusting off all the pain I’ve never discussed.

In the centre of it – there’s you,

Replaced with coordinates and clues.

And I know I must resist this,

Your words are too malicious.

But the oblivion surrounds us

With discomfort and chaos

Until the terror grows larger than we could ever dream.

It shoots back at the universe, beam after beam,

And we’re frozen,

Almost like we’re chosen…

I let the chips fall where they may.

There’s comfort in masterless fate.

I pick up the shards,

I cut you out, pretending it isn’t hard

To admit that we were never in the cards

As my soul watches like a prison guard.

But the oblivion in the corner of my brain seems to go.

It takes your face and all the pain I’ve ever known.

Not for long, no,

I’ll see you next weekend to repeat this show.

-JW

The Haunting

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Trams pass through me at midnight, they’re all empty and sound,

And I stand on the rails pushing away spiky, grey clouds.

The silence disarms me but the darkness melts like warm butter,

My feet weaken by the second as shame angrily splutters.

The asphalt is the path of the forgotten – yet, my legs get weaker.

It’s a shame, really, I’ve only been running for one weekend,

But my high-flying morals have turned into a deadly splinter

That will kill off all my innocence by the next winter.

The red in my cheeks is crawling up to the whites of my eyes.

Perhaps I rushed when accepting this Trojan horse of a prize –

Even the road less travelled can turn into the bleakest routine

If you’re already a ghostly mist masked as a fine-tuned machine.

But escaping the truth can only get one so far, and I knew it.

I raised the seven headed dragon, then waltzed right through it –

Until it burned me to a crisp while I pretended to be its king…

Now I walk the streets as a wisp of charcoal smoke

With two scarlet scars replacing my rosy wings.

-JW

The Snake Pit

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Muted spring mist wraps around my ankles like poisonous snakes.

I’m bathing in vivid daydreams

But it hisses me wide awake.

I trip on my faint honesty, landing straight on the jagged edges

Of all that I couldn’t leave behind

In hotel rooms and on filthy ledges.

My temper drags me down to the bottom but who can blame it?

If you stain the first November snow,

You might as well paint it.

And you might as well drop the acts you’ve been lugging around.

Get rid of the sentiment,

Leave it at the lost and found.

So I stumble towards the sunlight, getting lighter, floating with my sins.

Some keep pointing out the exits,

No, I can’t take the hints.

I know it’s a race against the clock and I’m here running on empty.

But the snakes can only bite if I whisper:

“Please, help me.”

Therefore I seal my lips and move along stealthy.

-JW

Ultimatus

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Every portrait on the wall has wandering eyes,

Every time I look at the phone you have me paranoid

But I don’t take my own advice.

There’s no privacy in love and no respect in control.

I might act like you’re fooling me greatly

But your lies are barely staying afloat.

So I confess to you all my deadliest urges

And you say you hope I would just get it over with,

Not taming the darkness that emerges.

You keep pushing me further, calling me distasteful.

“If you ever leave, I’ll know I was right,

You were never faithful.”

Words can build character, they can burn down cities,

And after months of hearing you on the loop

My anger turns into pity.

Every photo on the wall has my lifeless eyes,

Every time I look at you, the poison sinks in more

Until all self-preservation is paralyzed.

-JW

Momentum: Thoughts From The Most Anxious Of Times

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Pretty please, don’t ever lower you shiny shields.

All your yesterdays will burn your pride in the fields,

They’ll poke your intestines open and cheer,

Even colour their cheeks with bloody smears.

Don’t fall for whatever they’re selling today.

You always have a friend in your own dismay.

For you it’s not really that much of a momentum –

They’re using your story only as an addendum.

Dearest, listen, trust those who constantly crave

And abuse the permissions that their own god gave.

Turn a cold shoulder to those seeking warmth,

Call it “unintended distance” instead of direct harm.

-JW

Drying Out

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I squeeze my own purple knees until they’re completely dry,

Pull my hair out in clumps, shout but don’t apologize.

Some beg me to be honest, some overlook the sharpened edges

So they don’t have to talk me down from new ledges.

The tired ones point at me wearily but never in rightful anger.

We all have the fear of being greatly mishandled.

Perhaps if I just stop cutting my brain open for another display,

The voices will pack up and call it a day.

Perhaps if I just cut off my hair, I’ll find the strength to grow up

To stop begging hundreds of strangers, “Please show up.”

I tie and tangle these thoughts, I hide them under the sink.

Revisit only when there’s a fresh scar, salmon pink.

But I don’t let go of my own purple knees until I’m so dry

That a scream sounds like the perfect lullaby.

-JW

Undecided

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It’s just another evening of me burying you in bejewelled falsities,

Dragging you down the rockiest paths, dusting you with faux niceties.

My moods swing and dance violently in circles, just like the Saturn rings,

But you’re patiently collecting my poisonous words even if it stings.

Will you stay when I’m needy, will you stay when I forget myself?

I’ve asked my reflection and she’s undecided, begging me to get help.

Yet you keep holding onto the sails when the winds hit our discounted ship,

When the glass flies all over the room, when the rim cuts your lip.

If my mind’s a cave, it’s the darkest one you’ll ever see in real life.

The rocks pierce your skin, you’ve been used to the impact for some time.

You carry me to the bed each evening despite my brain growling loud –

And it’s just another night of my anxieties losing more ground.

-JW

The Key To LED Is Blue

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The mauve satin sky has fallen upon my borough

Giving all faces the anonymity of a John Doe.

We’re all in veils, we’re balancing on the rim.

We all move in vain, it’s muted, dull and dim.

The light we consume can be bought in store

And houses in my street have the same iron door.

Each night it seems there’s a stranger in my bed.

The illusion of normalcy is messing with my head.

I could swear – the sun’s made from diodes too.

Some keep chanting, “the key to LED is blue.”

Although it seems likely what’s inside remains real

They did replace my roses with stainless steel.

So I try to look closely at jasmines and maples –

The edges are fastened with invisible staples.

Translucent wires keep forcing me to smile

While my throat’s burning with curses and bile.

My pillow’s filled with pages of charred books,

There’s only normalcy, normalcy

Wherever I look.

-JW

Killing Friends

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The leaves were covered in frozen mist during that October sunrise,

Birds chirped their goodbyes through the glistening clouds

And there was this emptiness the beauty couldn’t suffice.

Chilly tombstones surrounded us both as far as the eye could see.

An unspoken promise and mystery arose in the silence

But your glance twitched in horror, not in glee.

“What does it take to kill a friend?” I wondered to myself mischievously

As the city reminded us of its wandering ways with loud honks,

Taking us out of the delirious sleep.

“You told me to take you away but what’s the catch?” I spoke up.

My sweater wasn’t warm enough to keep the breezes away.

I was too focused to feel hopeful.

Internally you pleaded with your own shame, with your own instincts.

“You can’t outrun me now, it’s painfully obvious,

But your body will try once the adrenaline stings.”

We stood wordlessly for a moment more, then you bolted for the street.

I enjoy a good chase, yet – this was a mediocre one at best.

Every lion has to hunt, every hunter has to eat.

The leaves were covered in frozen red droplets during that October sunrise,

Birds fled for cover towards the stormy autumn clouds

And there was beauty to it no emptiness could replace.

-JW