Tag: Jackie’s diaries

Foolish Lullaby

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Photo by Leonardo Monteiro

I have been thinking a lot about unrequited love,

And your silhouette tells me I have willed it into existence.

My weapons have long surrendered to your power.

If you make a run for it now, you won’t face any resistance.

Every tiniest road I have walked knows my coldness.

This warmth flowing through me alienates me from my past.

You tell me it’s for the best, and you must leave,

But for the very first time I want to make a tragedy last.

I have been daydreaming about eternal nights,

And somehow your sadness writes its name in the sky.

This is my foolish lullaby, my gamble for a hope.

If you hold me again, we might get it right on the second try.

-Jackie

Unavailable

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Photo by lehandross

I throw myself at every blade I happen to encounter,

Hoping that I will not bleed if I do not falter.

These steels and irons you all carry have sharp points.

I am not the fragile kind, but cracks are spreading through my joints.

Who are you to judge if you are carrying a weapon?

My heart is clear, I never watch where I am stepping.

You and your shiny metal toys keep my throat aching,

And the city echoes that I never really needed saving.

Still, I approach each pointed sword like a dying flower

While you all chant, saying that the light must be devoured.

I do not pity you, but I feel sorry for the things you break.

One step closer and I will unleash this red hurricane.

-Jackie

Childish Fears

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Photo by Raíssa Pimenta

They put me on a pedestal I can’t afford to fall from,

Citing my wicked gaze as the driver of my stardom.

I bow down low just to hide my childish fears,

Then scream into a red void with no one to hear.

They tell me to act human but treat me like a doll.

Their necks bend and break when they lose the controls.

Not sure who I was, only that I caused disasters.

I am their sacrifice,

I am also the puppet master.

-Jackie

Self-Envy Playbook

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Photo by Madison Inouye

I blame myself for how far I’ve come,

Blame myself for surviving.

These ropes have long come undone,

But I still crave the violence.

All the fighting and blemished prides…

Do you still despise me?

I’m changing politics like tides.

They say it seems surprising.

And I blame myself for their emotions,

Waiting for the judgment,

With nothing in my heart but devotion,

A pinch of lust and torment.

All the silence and unreturned whispers…

Do you hear me laughing?

I used to call myself a sister,

Now I find mirrors jarring.

-Jackie

26

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Photo by Zhaocan Li

Soon enough it will come to you,

It will slide around your neck with vines.

Do not resist, do not pull back.

Sip the poison like cheap wine.

Soon enough they will lie to you.

The blade will only scar when twisted.

Breathe the fumes, let them spread.

You can run or you can risk it.

Soon enough I will call you home.

The sound will crack your skull in two.

Stay calm, do not rush it.

Trap the beast in your own zoo.

-Jackie

Numbers Game

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The temptation blinds me

Even more than rage.

It hits me like a light beam,

Charms me like a sage.

I wish we never met,

You wish I wouldn’t lie.

Lust is a numbers game,

But so are goodbyes.

Are my words enchanting?

Do they just sicken you?

Your eyes won’t answer

So I cut your parachute.

As the trees crush you,

Whisper my name.

I’ll die before I trust you.

I know you feel the same.

-Jackie

Homesick

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Photo by mohamed abdelghaffar

I switch out my scenery every time it punches back,

And I call places haunted long before I get to see them.

All this constant running, it makes me lose track.

Was I ever the hero or was I always the demon?

Let me jump in the deep end and float away.

Maybe time will grant me lessons scars never could.

They all knew, but could not find the strength to say –

I was the cursed soul rotting this neighborhood.

Why did it take me years to catch up and face it?

Why did I want these streets to prove me wrong?

I kept changing the postal code until I erased it,

And now I am not sure if I will ever belong.

-Jackie

Miracle Cure

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Photo by agung foy

It’s just another illness – drink green tea, buy some ointment,

Then pretend the phone doesn’t ring if they keep calling.

Ask the city streets for answers, schedule appointments,

And when someone inquires, pretend you’re not stalling.

Bury your humming head in the sand, let it suffocate.

I read the best doctors here heal it in less than a week.

Listen to your friends when they curse while you meditate,

And try to remember that you’re not broken, just weak.

Pay your bills, hoping that they are paying theirs too,

Sitting in the dark, chain-smoking as the night dies.

I really wish this empty feeling wasn’t such a taboo,

I really wish they had it in them to apologize.

-Jackie

Faithless Woman

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Photo by Peter Lengacher

My gory battlefields do not hold any of my enemies –

There are mirrors upon mirrors as far as the eye can see.

There are storms in my pockets, wind-chimes in my lungs,

And a screeching thought inside me yelling “kill the young”.

These old dreams that I exhale deflate like balloons.

My wounds ache, and I wait for my fate and its goons.

I wish the fading reflections painted my face clearer,

I wish I looked like a builder, not a wrecker and a tearer.

These battlefields chew my weak character like gum,

And every weapon I use turns out to be a water gun.

Amidst this chaos and my own invincible self-envy,

I cry out one last time, begging for the sky to help me.

-Jackie

Charming The Demons

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Photo by Alexey Aksenov

They don’t drag people down like they used in my day.

They don’t count the blessings until all debts are paid.

These characters they play make me sick to the bone.

They claim they know hell, but I once called it home.

And don’t even get me started on their unused armor –

They can’t carry the weight, they can’t push any harder.

When the flames licked my skin, I used to charm demons.

They kneel to their pain, bow in front of their feelings.

They don’t dissect hope like it’s simply a plot hole,

And I twitch as their Tuesdays are making them whole.

My doubt whispers under its breath like some thief:

“They’re everything who you once wanted to be.”

-Jackie