Tag: Jackie

The Poisonous Apple

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cw: disordered eating, death

I have had no appetite for a week, even looking at food makes me sick.

In no time they will praise me for this, saying I look like a stick.

But that is just a trick, just a thing they do when they smell my misery,

It is a rotten fruit grown by those who cannot accept my victories.

I have this fantasy that they take me away in a small and shiny casket,

It gets stronger when I drive in a taxi, so real I cannot hide or mask it.

My life runs like water from a faucet, I want someone to drain it all,

Block the pipes, burn the towels, let the pressure rise and fall.

And then – just one more fall and it is winter forever, so white and calm.

They fake tears as they cry for me, they giggle when the priest reads the psalms…

I bury my face in my cold palms because I am sick from the vertigo,

And I snap at my mother even though she almost died two weeks ago.

When everything falls like dominoes, why am I still here, why am I breathing?

What did I do to deserve this chaos, this painful choking and heaving?

Because of you, I have had no appetite for a week, I am empty.

You fed me one poisoned apple, swearing that it would be more than plenty.

But that is just a trick, just a thing they do when they smell my wrath,

It is a rotten fruit grown by their fear, it knows I will never follow their path.

-Jackie

Weightless

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They perceive you as weightless, but you could sink a ship with that heart.

All that loneliness must exhaust you, it must sting furiously,

Still, you hold it delicately like a feather and play it smart.

If you just let me, I would grab a dart and pop your fears like a balloon,

Let them hear the screams you have been hiding under the surface,

Unmask all your biggest villains, all your goons.

But it is too soon, and you know it better than any weatherman could –

Some of us are born to stand in the freezing cold, just waiting,

Covered in the blood of strangers and thick soot.

If you let me see your numbing foot before it becomes way too late,

I would cover you in sunrays, give you some chamomile tea,

Then let you limp away and leave it all up to the fate.

They see you shake the first snow out of the clouds, they see you smiling.

You could cover the whole city in ice with your tears,

But they can never know how much it takes for you to keep trying.

They find you beguiling, their cheeks turn red as you change the seasons.

You are weightless, you are ethereal to them, so you know –

It is easier to upkeep the illusion and cover any reason.

Their insensitivity feels like a treason, and you choose to carry the blame.

And if you must admit it, you know it as well as I do –

Their perceptions keep you alive, but they kill you all the same.

-Jackie

All Her Mistakes

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Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, form a circle.

Stand around her limp body as she struggles to scream.

No pictures, just memories of how she turns purple.

Watch as her life comes apart at the seams.

What once was a fate sewn with golden thread

Has now turned into patchwork with missing pieces.

All the kind words she spoke have now turned to threats,

And her beauty is getting lost in the creases.

Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, come even closer.

Look how she shakes when they unleash all her mistakes.

Her final breaths sound like a story lacking closure,

And her innocent eyes grow calm like lakes.

-Jackie

Exit, Love

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I see it all in retrospect now,

I see how it all played out –

How I gleefully jumped up and down

When I received the news,

How I declared my love out loud

While missing all the cues.

I see it all clearly now, I swear.

I know I look worse for wear,

Stuck in my own head,

Unable to forgive my own fears.

But I promise I was so in love,

I could have called an enemy dear.

I see it all crumble to pieces in my palm.

Not one, not two – three times,

Yet somehow, I stay calm

As they tell me to forget about the rhymes,

Forget my own gods and psalms.

I see it all turning to dust, I see it dying.

You know, the prophets were lying –

And everyone who came after them too.

My lips are turning ocean blue

As I compose another poem about trying.

I see it all becoming my past,

I knew good things were not meant to last.

Was it good though?

Was it just coping until someone asked –

Do you notice yourself sinking down low?

I see myself appearing full of hope,

But I am at the end of my rope.

I see how it all played out,

The memories feel like shouts

As I approach the downward slope.

I see it all in retrospect now,

I see myself, hear the whys and the hows,

And maybe that is enough,

Enough to make a vow –

Exit before the times get rough,

Exit, love, exit now.

-Jackie

Getting Better At Wishing You Well

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One day your estranged children and wives won’t call you back,

They will only politely check in once a month.

Your lungs will catch up with your heart, they will grow black.

One day you will run out of good women to hunt.

And one day your family will visit, but right before you pass.

You will naively pretend that they truly care,

You will try to not choke on the fake smiles and raise your glass

As your grandchildren will joyfully stare.

And right then and there out of all the tales you will tell,

The one your family will love the most will be called

“She Is Getting Better at Wishing You Well”,

Then they will pack up and head straight to the local mall.

You will think about how my face turned grey when you touched me,

The sickness will eat at your empty chest.

The regret will overflow your arteries, but you always get lucky.

You will never die, you will never rest.

I know it is all in my head, I am driving my own ship half-mast.

I know it is not going to happen, I know this is silly,

But even small people like me need to escape their past,

So, I hope you will never be happy because otherwise the weight might kill me.

Still, I hope you know I never got better at wishing you well.

You did not seem to be someone who takes the hint,

But I can only pray that the rest of your life feels like hell,

And the memories of me bite you like freezing wind.

-Jackie

I Don’t Remember Last Monday

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It’s evening again, I try to recall what has happened,

How all these minutes slipped through my fingers,

How all my moments are suddenly overlapping

And not even one stays with me,

Not one lingers.

It’s a Tuesday again, I barely remember this day.

When did I bruise my arm, when did I scream?

It feels like the clocks lie, they lead me astray,

And each evening the city lights wink,

They deceit me and gleam.

But it’s a Thursday, I don’t remember last Monday.

Maybe I’m doing something wrong, how can I fix it?

I’ve never believed a god, but for my time I will pray,

I will pay for a way out of this hell,

Just give me a ticket.

Just tell me it’s not a Sunday again, I can’t take it.

The jewels on my wrists sparkle at perfect strangers.

When I look at them, honey, I see love so naked,

So perfectly empty and shallow,

I feel foolish for ignoring the danger.

And I see you come home late at night, I don’t care.

I let the alcohol and your insecurities tear you apart,

Because I know that I have nothing left to spare –

You broke my shining eyes,

Then left my soul in the dark.

Still, it’s going to be a beautiful morning tomorrow,

You will pretend like you haven’t taken my civility,

Like you have never known the source of my sorrows.

I will upkeep that illusion, I will,

For the sake of my own stability.

It’s evening again, I try to recall what has happened,

How all these minutes slipped through my fingers,

How all my moments are suddenly overlapping

And not even one stays with me,

Not one lingers.

-Jackie

Banana Peel

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I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,

Bled for thirteen days before you turned me into a meal,

And you ate angrily, devoured me with great vengeance,

Hoping I would finally give up and go with the angels.

Between all these assumptions you made me carry,

The one about me falling on my knees really scare me.

There must have been a moment you realized:

“My chains will get her weak, emotionally paralyzed.”

Then, there must have been a moment you knew

That you cannot fix the damage you have caused with glue.

I bled for thirteen days trying to make myself heal,

Bled for days to make you slip on a banana peel.

And I made you fall into the abyss due to a technicality.

You swore you would climb out, but you lack the mentality.

I stand by the very edge and laugh as your face disappears,

As it vanishes, as my heart erases my deepest fears.

-Jackie

My Grand Silence

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My grand silence is burning words into your tongue.

It is a cold weapon in my hands, it keeps me young.

They call it the elixir of life and the kiss of death,

But they are all wrong, they are wasting their breaths.

My grand silence threatens them more than any beast,

It freezes hells over, then leaves for the east.

They try to steal my potions and make me scream,

But they can only get hold of me in their dreams.

My grand silence bleeds like a wound in the neck,

It drains my enemies of blood, kills their respect.

They fear the sight of me, but my voice even more,

Still, they chase it like a creature from folklore.

-Jackie

Let Them Burn You Down

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These stories of shame and helpless wander,

I used to collect them like dirty pearls, wrap them around my neck,

Acting like this noose was a necklace,

Pretending that I held the right cards when I’ve lost my deck.

But I’ve burned the shyness, I’ve killed it.

Believe me when I say that I bathed in the ashes for hours.

Now all I hear are sirens, they get louder,

And I get this sudden urge to embowel everything we called “ours”.

It’s time for you to get pushed out on the open street,

Face your past demons, face your grizzliest fears.

Hear my stories, stop, and hear them out just once.

Let them burn you down like they’ve burned me for years,

Like they’ve killed me me for months.

-Jackie

The Loop

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My bed has sharp canines, and it has a strong jaw.

It wraps its mouth around my weakened claws,

Reminding me through loud growls and moans

That all I have is myself, and myself alone.

My sheets have a poisonous touch, and it numbs me.

Before I know it, the fabric hits me like morphine.

I cannot move, so I just wait until it passes,

And the chemicals break my fogged up glasses.

-Jackie