I try to collect the storylines that I lost,
But my path to joy was rocky and deflated.
No matter the sadness, no matter the cost,
All I wanted was to finally see you elated.
You punished me with roaring silent treatment
As my tears turned into glimmering razors.
I wasn’t a saint, but I wasn’t the demon.
You didn’t have to efface me with an eraser.
-Jackie
The bathroom mirror bends my waist in half
And it’s the only friend I’ve got when I’m wasted.
I starved myself of joy for reckless beings.
Now I’m a wreck too, and I hate it.
Yes, I hate it.
People accuse me of cruel phrases,
Saying hurt is just a phase I will sweat out.
But being unlovable is like a maze –
The deeper you go, the more you change route.
You cannot get out.
-Jackie
Are people just open wounds waiting to ooze?
Are we dying to infect whoever comes too close?
You joked about becoming my full-time muse,
Now you can’t take my words,
My smiles and my clothes.
You suffocate me, I am drowning in liquid.
My lungs are filling up with congealed blood.
Am I nothing more than one of your victims?
You let me bloom like fire,
Then cut off the rosebud.
You spread like a disease through my mind
And left me outside to heal on my own.
But you were wrong in thinking I am too kind
To slash you in half
And take back the throne.
-Jackie
I don’t recall the last time I had anything of substance to say to you.
To be frank, I don’t even miss the days when I still didn’t have a clue.
But I know better now – some people can love you and get it all very wrong,
And there’s no reason to cry about it because storms don’t last too long.
Even if I found the sentence that would unlock your walls and fences,
I wouldn’t have the patience to fight your love, so fragile and defenseless.
All the misery weighed too hard on me, so I asked my people for help.
They confirmed what I’ve been suspecting – you had prosecuted yourself.
I carried your limp body on my shoulders for weeks, then months.
My own legs collapsed but you insisted that the heart wants what it wants.
Now I don’t have the heart to tell you that we’re dead and rotting away
Because you haven’t had the courtesy to show empathy in ten days.
If you can’t see that your own silhouette is blocking your ladder to heaven,
You can get these empty niceties back.
I will kill them when the clock strikes eleven.
-Jackie
We are stuck between live and let die.
I let you cut off my limbs one by one
Until I need you to survive,
Need you to hold my golden gun.
My lungs crave the air you breathe,
But you are not giving it away.
I wish I still had the strength to leave.
I wish I wanted to stay.
The trains will crash at midnight
As you hold me in your arms.
The sound will kill our porch light,
But the fire will do no harm.
The morning after I will arise
To my pale limbs all greeting me.
As sure as the tides will fall and rise,
I will reclaim my dignity.
-Jackie
These long eclipse hours I waste daydreaming about what could have been,
They weigh heavily on what is left of my heart,
Then erase my good deeds to replace them with sins.
I long for a place under this pitch-black sky but all I see are scarlet warnings.
Loose memories float right in front of my face,
And I can only hope I get to see the next morning.
No, it was not always like this – I still remember how I used to greet the sun.
Every puzzle piece of my virtues broke into shards,
So, I told my loved ones to run.
Now I keep getting stuck in this endless feedback loop of spiraling emotions,
And nobody dares to call my name out loud
Because I turn sympathy into solid devotion.
Some nights I even enjoy watching the fear fill their eyes like maroon smoke.
I hate who I have become more than anything,
But I fantasize about choking out these old jokes.
These long eclipse hours I spend considering how I let myself bleed red,
They drag me by my ankles like balloons,
Then replace my gleeful smiles with torment and dread.
-Jackie
We laugh in a cozy bar without a single soul around us.
Just for a moment I enjoy the silence in my head.
I get high on conversations about terrible people,
And your patience for your boss is hanging by a thread.
Someone drops their cold beer and breaks the glass,
But we barely notice as the sparkling time flies by.
I do not remember what I cried about last night,
And I am sure that you have the strongest alibi.
The streetlights do not make any sense in the rain
As we jump over puddles giggling like some kids.
A few months ago, I walked until I got soaking wet,
And I thought that love should feel like needles and pins.
But I am not that bright-eyed girl who they once knew.
Irises replaced the sour feelings that grew rotten.
I know he is out there talking about terrible people,
And as long as you are here, it is all long forgotten.
-Jackie
Not a scratch on my body as I crawl off the battlefield,
And you might be after me,
But my spite is a jester’s shield.
I suck in the smoke coming from heavy machinery.
No one dares to shoot first
Except for you and your apologies.
Seven angels stare me down and spit on my dirty feet,
But I know they don’t mean it
If they don’t want to fight thirty fleets.
I have the force of an uncouth god looking for a legacy,
And you’re the grey prophet,
Drowning me in green fantasies.
Which one of us started this descent into travesty?
Which one will erase the lines?
Who will sweat out some honesty?
As you bring me to light, I grit my own bloody teeth,
And you might be the champion,
But there are no saints left here.
-Jackie
My body is just a shell with no operator,
And I fill it with substances when it gets dark.
Pretty poisons hang from my bathroom mirror,
Claiming they can give me back the spark.
But these pills I’m taking kill the joy
And they carve my love for you into questions.
My tongue strikes like the snake in Eden
Until every living soul gets tired of my confessions.
-Jackie
It evaporated that warm August night when I waited for your call,
But it did not come through
Because whenever I picked up my wings, you dropped like an anchor and stalled.
It evaporated after you did not check in after my late-night flight.
You did not tell me a single thing,
Then went silent when I tried to beg, borrow, and pick up a fight.
It evaporated that evening I reached out to you as the last resort,
And all you did was distance yourself
When I needed a soul that could help me hold up the fort.
It evaporated that October morning I woke up not calling your name
After months upon months of screaming it,
And that morning I knew I had a shot at winning this game.
It evaporated when I told you I wanted you and not your reason,
But you turned it into a childish gag,
Breaking what was left of my pride into the smallest pieces.
It evaporates as I type out these words on this tired screen.
I do not think there is much left,
And you will not stop until the water turns into pure chlorine.
It evaporates, but only because I bled myself dry to keep it flowing.
I am older now, so I can admit it –
Sometimes I wish I had a shot at not loving,
Not knowing.
-Jackie
The Daily Writing of Jackie Wright 