Category: poetry

Take My Guilt As A Deposit

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There’s always at least one storm brewing in the distance, and I keep it that way.

Trouble seems to find me too easily, so I only wish for just one more day.

But unless I see the dark clouds forming by the horizon, I cannot go on.

The horror is like music to my ears, and I cannot help but sing the song.

They call me a masochist when it comes to proving everyone else wrong.

I see the correlation and I don’t fight it; I’ve nurtured it all summer long.

The shadow creature within my chest keeps feeding on uncertainties.

It never controls me, no, it only gets fed when I do as I please.

When it comes to self-sabotage, I’ve never met anyone quite like me.

I’m the perfect tirage – they taste the wine, then destroy my psyche.

There’s a storm in the distance, there always is, and they say I cause it.

Trouble seeks me out in the darkest of places, takes my guilt as a deposit.

-JW

Forgiveness

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My axis spins around me whenever I drift away in my own thoughts.

The desire for life mixes with the last echoes of death,

And I forgive all the insecurities I once fought.

The sky stays still, it makes everything look easy, almost seamless.

I dream about my childhood, but nothing seems right,

Almost like I have always been Satan’s mistress.

The voices in my head make me scream from the steepest hillside.

All the energy I lose on petty things always comes back,

It burns alive in my chest, it stays inside.

And the pain doubles in size whenever someone dismisses my cries.

My axis obediently bends to the rising ocean waves,

And I forgive all of you who never apologized.

-JW

The Good One

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I used to know how quickly your eyes turned black when you spoke with your sins.

It was an honest battle until the very end,

Until you let them perish you and win.

I followed you down a hundred hidden rabbit holes to hold onto that last spell.

My intentions were wicked, I must admit,

But I did not lie when I promised to raise hell.

When you laughed, I smiled brighter than a scorching sun on Midsummer’s Day.

We buried each other in gilded affection,

We wrote our names in red clay.

I used to know that you are the good one, the one to return my long stolen peace.

It was an honest battle until the very end,

Until you put me back on my knees.

-JW

Into The Deep

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The parts I hide sting me with the fury of a forgotten flame.

I’ve been changing my paths while you’ve been looking away.

My soul has been leaking fumes out of the wooden frame.

But the cold metal bites my bones, honey, I know I must pray.

You promised I’d pay for all the storms I rained over you.

Leaving you seems like walking on sunshine, why would I care?

No, you don’t have the right to claim that you feel blue.

I carried your grey remains for years, I’m used to the stares.

The sun is unforgiving, it’s still not as ferocious as I can be.

I cover my truth in disguises while you sing yourself to sleep.

And I’m thinking about leaving, not sure if I can be free.

Maybe it’s just between me and you,

Maybe I can fix this by dragging you into the deep.

-JW

No Proof

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The lingering ghosts from my past are so faded,

I can barely prove they were ever really here.

The same goes for me and the lives I’ve traded.

Some say they only see me when I disappear.

But don’t you underestimate my caution,

The flame in my lungs hides an honest scream.

They told you I can never stop being in motion.

They didn’t tell you that I’m stuck in a dream.

This loop is a cruel beast, this loop is endless,

But I still follow it, hoping to escape the ghouls.

Their cloaks make me too weak and defenseless.

It’s killing me but there’s no goddamn proof.

-JW

Growth Spurts

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There must be something so satisfying about the way I hide my hurt.

The crumbs of sanity fall out of me until I become plain and absurd,

But everyone seems to love it, and I wonder whether I should too?

Pleasing all the souls I meet turns out to be my personal Waterloo.

The pressure sticks its filthy nails in my ribs when I am not watching.

My old dreams float by, I no longer consider them worth catching.

There is still a fire behind my pupils, but no one sees that spark.

I do not let anyone notice my dripping eyes in the thickest dark.

Another morning always arrives a moment too soon and it hurts.

The days in the calendar cross themselves off as I wish

That I am all out of growth spurts.

-JW

Demigod

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When the demigod speaks, everyone must lower their heads.

That is how the system works, kids, keep chewing on lead.

My clock is stuck on a moment in time that feels too soon.

I want to get out, but we are not allowed to look at the moon.

When the demigod speaks, everyone must raise their hands.

He will throw out a spear and see in which flesh it lands.

My clock is ticking down moments I can never get back again.

I want to leave, but I am afraid to see another dead end.

When the demigod speaks, everyone must suffer in silence.

You cannot escape the suffocation in caves or in highlands.

My clock is whirling out of control, it wastes away my time.

I am begging for a crack in this glass cage,

But I fear it will reveal my crimes.

-JW

The Red Line

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Not all my innocence is lost, I just hide it with fury.

You crossed a red line today,

And I guess now you will have to sue me,

No, I am not taking my anger off the front pages.

Let them read it too,

Let them see how harmful your rage is.

And do not call your bloodthirsty intentions “attraction”.

I will never tolerate it,

I will tear you into the smallest fractions.

Let me light the matches and start the forest fire,

Watch it consume your life

And rot you in the eyes of your admirers.

Not all my innocence is lost, I hide it with my youth.

You were wrong when you assumed

That I will not scream the truth.

-JW

Hive

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When all goes according to plan, my inner critic eats me alive.

The easy way is never the right one,

And the mind must always buzz like a hive.

Even if my head works like a charm and I manage to lift the curse,

My head drips red judgement ink

Into an electric anxiety hearse.

When the watch is not running the hours correctly, I crumble.

There is a part in me I fear the most,

A part that never learned to be humble.

Even if I master the minutes, the rhythm is never quite correct.

My tongue cuts open the folds of my brain,

Replaces thoughts with lies and neglect.

-JW

Before I Drown

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They keep telling me how I should step into the white light,

How I should chase it with even whiter noise and whiter lies.

I hide between juniper branches during the darkest nights,

Using poisonous berries and figs as my only disguise.

They creep up my legs but cannot take the violent screeches.

My back grows horns as soon as they whimper and cry.

I have been shooed away by seven dishonored preachers,

Saying wicked creatures like me should not even try.

But I learned to see the light in people’s actions years ago.

My pride swallows itself again when I fail to see my own.

They keep telling me that I could out-spin pure vertigo.

I grin and quietly whisper:

“This is my last plea before I drown.”

-JW