Category: Jackie’s diaries

Bitter

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The loop is tightening around my neck every time someone mentions your name.

Seven stages of grief repeating in my head, seven stages that I never overcame.

So, I keep lying to the ones who care – I think it is half the work, I think they buy it.

The loop digs into my skin, severing arteries, and my thoughts start another riot.

Not to sink in lifelong clichés, but I must admit I knew since the time I met you.

Your eyes felt like glass on my exposed skin, they were so cold I turned blue.

Every single minute in your presence I felt your control slipping out of the way.

My perfume got stuck in your head for hours, then it lingered for another day,

Until you got me alone and chose to cross the boundaries like wild rivers.

It has been a month or so, I cannot think about that evening without dire shivers.

You took the one moment I shined and soiled it, you could not have chosen better,

Because now I cannot help but refuse all good things as they taste too bitter.

The loop you tied around my neck almost took my spine one too many times.

It is funny – how men like you get a chance to never think about their crimes.

So, I keep lying to myself, pretending that the truth is bendable to your winds.

The loop feels like a noose sometimes, and I am not sure if I can win.

But at least I have some hope,

The same cannot be said about your sins.

-JW

On My Own Accord

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Take back the gifts and your filthy excuses,

Don’t count me in when you’re counting on your muses.

They say men like you never face the music,

But I wonder if you’ve learned just how short my fuse is.

Take back the epithets and idioms you used,

Whisper my name in your nightmares as you look for clues.

My knees aren’t broken, they’re lightly bruised,

And I’m guessing you thought I’d be a softer fool.

Take back the lustful stares and the touches,

I’ll never think about you when my blood rushes.

Well, that’s a lie, I spew fire and it catches,

I could fill a stadium with the sound of your shushes.

Take back your threats and sharpened words.

If you want to fight me, don’t do it with swords.

My tongue can take out men leading your overlords,

So, I’m guessing that you know by now –

I’m taking it all back on my own accord.

-JW

Loud Enough

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Tell me one more time how I should laugh it off,

How I should grow a thicker skin

Just to fit right into your plot.

No, honey, I am out of patience for bold men,

I am out of reasons to excuse them

Or to let them off my pen.

I want to drive my ink through them like a hook,

Twist it through the spine,

Take the blood and burn their books.

They call me embarrassing for speaking out.

But why are they so worried

If I have nothing to be loud about?

On the other hand, why would I even bother?

Afterall, I get nothing here,

I stay broke after shaming your brothers.

And I do not have skin in the game, my love,

But I have my whole flesh burning

As you watch from the front row.

So, tell me again how I should laugh it off,

How I should grow a pair…

When will my pain be loud enough?

-JW

Six Feet Underneath

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I’ve killed them all, don’t test it,

Don’t question my lessons.

I’ve broken high waves,

Exchanged dollars for tales.

Some shamed me for speaking,

Like they needed a reason,

But I kept my palms together

As they cut my feathers.

I’ve burned bridges and towns,

Stabbed ships until they drowned.

There is no end to violence,

Just bury me in violets.

And I’ve seen it all, I promise,

I’m rarely this honest.

Let me show you how to breathe

When you’re six feet underneath.

-JW

Red Sirens

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The lightbulbs in my palace buzz the name of my betrayer.

I kneeled in front of his tarred lies,

Believed him when he promised to return for me later.

But I stand alone as my silhouette melts away like snow.

I bowed my head in front of his grace.

You know I would sell a soul for a chance to let him go.

The lanterns warming up my cold street scream in agony.

I crawled my palms raw in front of him,

Took the sound of time running out for a symphony.

But now I sit on the freezing rock floor in complete silence.

I laid my life in front of his insecurities.

Still, I would die again at the sound of his red sirens.

-JW

Exit Wounds

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I danced with your seven devils last night.

They broke my spirits, they showed me how to fight.

My fists were ready to take down my shame,

But you buried me in it, then buried your own blame.

I ran with your deepest fears last night.

They are a wicked crowd with rotten bodies to hide.

My lashes were ready to dry and evaporate.

You pushed me in harm’s way, you did not hesitate.

I fell with your palaces of lies last night.

They reopened my exit wounds and took a large bite.

My skin was ready to let me bleed out,

So, you broke my neck and left me in the drought.

-JW

The Night

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The night dribbles on my tongue like a bittersweet symphony,

It plays with my senses, it wants the moonlight to sing with me.

I have been counting my blessings and writing down the spooks.

The night watches silently as I burn down my deepest roots.

And I know what they say about people who survive on darkness –

We are the wicked crowd, forgotten by the gods of our fathers.

But the night stares patiently as I wash my scars with bleach.

The shadows form black smoke around each limb that bleeds.

Lately all the lightness has become just too heavy to carry.

I naively wish on a dying star like it does not have bodies to bury.

The night drips down my lips with all its sticky sentiments,

It plays with my mind, trying to find where I lost my innocence.

-JW

Calling Me

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You are calling me from the castle,

Telling me all about the power I will never obtain.

You want to love me, then call it a hassle.

Your kingpin father forbid you to burn his remains.

Every night I peek through your gilded fences,

My curiosity twists around in circles like a snake.

I try on your family’s crooked lenses,

It seems like you live in a truth that I cannot taste.

Your guards call me Alice as they chase me,

But I keep my feet quick and refuse their guilt.

The spinning arrows they shoot erase me.

I wake up from the daydream on my windowsill.

And you are calling me from your castle,

Telling me about the ignorance I cannot obtain.

You want to show me how to reach it faster,

But I digress, there is no joy in your golden pain.

-JW

The Wanderer

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She cursed you to wander the windiest forests for a decade or two.

The shadows turned you into prey, your guilt turned you ocean blue.

And you might have walked the forest alone if you never met me.

I might have even escaped your bear trap if I was not this petty.

They say tragedy imitates action, oh, but I beg to differ, my dearest.

You begged the forest to swallow me whole when I thought I was fearless.

To my surprise, it listened and made me walk the darkness with you.

She cursed you to wander endlessly,

Never knowing that she has cursed two.

-JW

Liar, Liar

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Pull a grey bag over my head and make me pray for my life.

You like to play these games,

And I am always on the tip of your knife.

Go on, dear, and release your unforgiving flame over me.

You are a walking scab,

Sinking in your own guilt and oversold novelty.

You tried to prove them that we were alike, you damn liar.

I was looking for water,

But you overshot and pulled me into the fire.

Blow some frosty fog into my eyes again and let me down.

I like to play games too,

Except I can do it with a spine, in a red gown.

So, go ahead and part your unruly lips in faux surprise.

You are a stain on my pride,

And you will have to pay the fairest price.

-JW