Category: Jackie’s diaries

Erasing Your Name

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Did I have the slightest chance of saving myself that August evening?

Some insist these invisible bruises don’t need any healing.

I’ve buried the shame deep in my cupboard, but you know what they say –

The sinner breaks the rose-colored glasses, and the victim always pays.

And lately I’ve been thinking about people I can never forgive,

I just count down all the ghouls and scars which I won’t outlive.

Your name sits on the top of the list like a bloody throne.

My god, what I would give to ensure your breath leaves me alone.

I would cut off the parts you touched without any hesitation…

But it would exculpate you, so I kill the burning temptation.

As long as I live, I carry your cross on my back like a target.

My wrath is ablaze, it has the sting of a threatened hornet.

But you act unbothered, so sometimes I drink the poison myself.

They told me loud and clear – I shouldn’t have lifted you off the shelf.

And now my name is entangled with yours, no way to erase it.

Can’t help but despise my younger self, and how she never faced this.

My every decision leads back to that cursed August night.

I wonder if anything would’ve been different if I put up a fight.

-JW

Confession

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The memories of your touch possess me,

They drive screws through the obsessed me.

I can’t sleep as my addiction takes form,

Cursing every men I’ve met since I was born.

My body is a statement, not a choice.

They claim I like it as they tear apart my voice,

And all the lies start piling up on my chest

Until I agree, and they say I have confessed.

-JW

Some Sea Foam And Venus

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They are circling me like ravenous vultures,

They only see me as their prey.

It is deep-rooted in this culture,

Never admit it, never do as you say.

The smell of my most recent flesh wound

Makes their feathers shuffle weakly.

My blades are broken, they are all off tune.

Still, I sharpen them weekly.

I live on revenge and broken innocence,

The last two things I fully own.

The wolves stole my dreams of a picket fence,

Now all my hate is homegrown.

As they circle and come even closer,

I sigh as my left lung collapses.

They laugh, threatening me with closure,

But I reach for ellipsis.

I know their help is the greatest faux aid,

A betrayal to my trauma and pain.

One day their claws and teeth will fade,

But by then ice water will run in my veins.

They are circling me like chuckling hyenas,

They see me as the final act.

It all started with some sea foam and Venus,

There is no way to break this pact.

-JW

Empty White Room

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Their slimy palms slide down your back like a threat,

One more uncomfortable laugh and they are all set.

They assume you will not give them any problems,

You will not speak up or dare to bother.

The power play is never a game you can triumph in –

The house always wins, love, the house always wins.

And I hear your pain, I see you snarl at strangers,

But the culprits will never pay if you put yourself in danger.

They will not get it because they see a leveled field,

The delusion tells them it is you who holds the shield.

“I am not making excuses, but you did not say “no”.”

Or even better:

“Who is this?” when they answer the phone.

And they assume you will tolerate what you are given

Because only god can make them sinners.

But I swear there is power in feeling hopeless,

There is more wisdom and strength in being faithless

Than in any of those who are stealing your power away.

You will see that day, you will reach that day.

I have met plenty of people who shoot to kill

Only to end up being bent to my will.

Let them assume the best, let them assume.

Watch as they lose their mind in an empty white room.

-JW

Helpless In A Gown

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Had to hide my femininity in dresses made of steel,

Had to hide my pain in heels, and they made me bleed.

Not that I hate my features, not that I feel gentle,

My head is a wire in an atomic bomb being dismantled.

Had to hang in the ropes you tied around my chest,

Had to listen about your struggles without any rest.

Now my fake smile looks more like a crooked frown,

And I can only think about dragging you down,

Down here where I have lived for so many years.

There is something freeing about people without fear

And about places that are burning to the ground

As you stand there watching, helpless in a gown.

Had to hide my emotions in red wrapping paper,

Had to hide the grief so I could not find it later.

My past is now covered in inches of ash and dust.

I laugh in pure agony while you stare in haughty disgust.

-JW

Power-Hungry

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She commands them like chess pieces.

Every new move is better than the previous one.

She does not care where her peace is.

It is an instinct she has, picking up every gun.

They laugh it off on late autumn evenings.

“That girl got lucky, no need to exaggerate.”

Her eyes are cold and mischievous beings,

And her tongue is so quick it levitates.

She knows they are coming for her neck.

The fanfares are blasting through the skyscrapers.

The tricks up her sleeve form a bottleneck,

And her power-hungry grin scares the neighbors.

She rules them like a deck of cards,

But every single joker thinks he is the king.

If she plays just one more ace this smart,

She will bring home your championship rings.

-JW

The Disaster Machine

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My skull budged under your blunt force,

It cracked like a leaf during a storm.

Still, I was yelling out for more

Even when I couldn’t keep myself warm.

You butchered my character in the dark,

I really wish your words left marks.

The steepest hills call me from a far,

And I want to go, but I don’t have the heart.

Yet, I have the spite of a sour truth,

Filling your pupils with rotten fruit.

No one roots for me when I finally shoot,

Fire away the rage, so honest and crude.

My fangs rip your manipulations to shreds,

They quote wise books you never read.

You stabbed me with thoughts until I bled,

Now I finish the painting in your color red.

These claws my destiny owns scare me,

They tear into my skin and wear me.

But my own voice, it becomes weary,

And the anger dies on a petal like a fairy.

“No way out of the destruction machine,

No need for sun, no need for gleam.”

As my power finally makes you kneel,

The darkness chants, not sure what it means.

-JW

Peter Pan

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Do not put this on your shoulders, darling,

I will carry all the love until our parting.

No need to compromise, hold your truth,

Be it vitriolic, be it unequivocally rude.

I can break my morals and step on them, too.

Afterall, I gave my blood to paint you blue.

Do not lift a finger, love, do not suffer.

My arms will persist, they will grow tougher.

I am willing to drain a river with my heat,

You will not notice as I slip underneath.

The water will carry me back to the day

I betrayed everyone to make you stay.

But do not put this on your shoulders, dear.

Women like me are meant to disappear.

No need to apologize, not that you can.

Keep levitating aimlessly like Peter Pan.

-JW

Sixteen Floors High

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I hope all the men I never forgave can forgive themselves one day –

Because I won’t, because I can’t,

The gods of peace aren’t answering my prayers.

I hope that all those men take back what they gave me –

An ego that’s sixteen floors high

With nobody on the ground to save me,

Just a crowd watching, dreaming up an alibi.

No, I don’t hold onto grudges, I use them as stones to throw.

My will was stolen as a joke,

Now I parade it in a cage like a wild animal during a show,

Hoping all those men choke.

I might sound angry to you,

Go ahead and assume the worst of me.

Some men stole my sky and painted me cobalt blue,

Now I watch birds fall and die in agony.

So, I hope all the men I could never excuse

Find their own way to accept that they are now my muse.

Let my ink drip on their skin like an unwarranted touch.

Permission is never welcome,

I’ve learned that much.

-JW

Life In The Vertigo

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She was another oath you chose to ignore when it came in handy.

You wanted a daughter who could handle fruit brandy,

A successor with a taste for indecent men who saw her as eye-candy.

Yet, she did not bow to your black-tie ways of circumventing morals.

You gave her away for dimes to keep on your white collar –

And not because you needed yet another blood dollar.

She was a trophy you waltzed around the kitchen once a year.

They believed you when you said, “she is to be feared,”

They trusted you, just you, and stripped away everyone she held dear.

Nobody talks about your deals or how you stay in the shade, no.

She dreaded how they spun the story but learned to live in the vertigo.

On Fridays she even smiled, knowing you are sinking in blow.

With nowhere to go, her mind welcomed every colossal tale,

And her tongue was way too quick for her wit to ever fail.

Still, she waited for your condolences in the mail.

They spoke about her “deadbeat father” behind doors and backs, but never to her.

They assumed that one day she will slow down and adhere,

Only if she listened, only if she finally agreed to hear.

But there is only so much that locks and wrapped lies can cover.

The truth slipped off its masks, releasing all that has been smothered.

She had no choice but to make revenge her lover.

-JW