Category: Jackie’s diaries

You sting like a bee,

You taste like poison on my lips,

But you tell them it is my fantasy,

It is my curved hips.

No one likes my truth,

You ensure it is erased.

It is always me, never you,

And your face remains unphased.

But I spat out the venom,

You were not looking.

I hid behind blue denim,

We were on the wrong footing.

Now I bite like a snake,

I taste like death on your tongue.

You know you cut your own brakes,

You know you killed me too young.

-Jackie

I let them break me in the tiniest pieces and parts

Until every last inch of me is a bleeding shard.

I let them bend me in twists and stretch me out,

Then they ask me to smile and lose the pout.

My shoulders are heavy, and my back is weak,

I cannot fall asleep, and it has been a week.

My voice seems to get all the answers wrong,

I cannot face the journey, it is way too long.

So, I just let them drain me of the holiest blood,

And I watch as they paint the whole neighborhood.

I let them erase me and all I could have been

Until they reduce my whole life to a sin.

-Jackie

Sometimes I just let the devil in my skull take over for a while,

I let it swallow the bile,

I let it fake the smiles

Until every last monster thinks it is in the clear –

And that is when I deliver the blade to their deepest fear,

Humming as their screams pierce the atmosphere.

Sometimes I just watch my life like an old movie,

I do not let my insecurities move me

Or keep me from my roaring fury.

The journey is often clearer from the passenger seat,

So, I never wait until my neck bleeds,

I do not wait until I ruin the plot by accepting a bitter defeat.

-Jackie

May my devotion to your beauty serve as a gentle reminder

That the youth fleets and hair grow grey,

And love is one wicked spellbinder,

But your grace will leave its mark on my heart like it is made of clay.

You see me without the filigree and my gilded disguise.

When I look at you, my red lips run out of questions.

There are only answers in your eyes,

Only gentle whispers forming long-lasting lessons.

And my mouth feels dry when I crave your kisses at night,

But I would rather be damned than touch you.

Let me just float on the top of this memory until I see the light,

Until I fall in love with you anew.

I swear I want it to pass, I swear I want you to stay.

There is a blade waiting to lick the skin on my bare throat,

And if I choose wrong, I will not get to live another day.

Yet, not choosing you feels like breaking an invisible blood oath.

What is worse – never getting to hold you or passing the point of no return?

Right now, the former seems like torture,

But the latter might make my body burn,

So, may my devotion be my curse, may it be my fortune.

-Jackie

I’ve never loved a good man, that much I know,

I’ve always stood on grassless graves for the show.

Through groves and meadows, I’ve searched for sympathy,

But lately my callused feet are killing me.

And I get trapped in these daydreams of your smile,

Sweeter than candy, more bitter than my bile.

I swear you know it too, we’re cursed to collide,

We’re cursed to implode until there’s nowhere to hide.

I’ve never loved a good man, that much I know,

But you counted down, you said “two for the show”,

And the armor I carried fell on the rocks and smashed.

Right then I knew – this feeling will never pass.

-Jackie

The darkness is laughing in my face today.

They swore it could not win,

They promised I had it in me to stay,

But the water is already up to my chin.

I am drowning in past, drowning in despair,

And my legs are giving up on me.

Dirty hands are pulling in my onyx hair.

I want to fight but cannot find the energy.

Still, the darkness is not what I fear,

It is the look that people give me lately.

It seems like everyone who holds me dear

Now has begun to secretly hate me.

I am sinking to the bottom all alone,

And my heart is the anchor dragging me down.

Bright colors have turned into muted tones

And the sharpest voices are growing too loud.

-Jackie

I have walked in your footsteps for long enough to know what happens next,

I have followed you down the darkest paths, I have seen you failing life’s tests.

With your broad back turned to me, you do not even notice my frozen breaths,

You keep moving on quickly while I observe and place my unlucky bets.

I have watched you break promises like deadly storms break the driest branches.

I hear they fear you, so I guess I am lucky to have never faced your avalanches.

They call me the lost child, they even wonder if I have taken after you,

And my brazen silence frightens them more than the latest twisted truth.

I have lingered over you like cheap perfume for at least a few decades now,

I have been the only face you truly dread to notice in the greyest crowd.

But with your back still turned towards me, you have built a sense of false safety.

You think I am disappearing like a mirage,

Yet somehow my ghost feels closer to you lately.

-Jackie

The forbidden fruit sharpens its crooked teeth

And scrunches up its face as it looks at me.

I feel the saliva drowning my tongue,

I sense the hot air filling up my lungs…

But I must look away, even if I perish,

Must build myself a brand-new parish.

The believers will find it by early dawn

And set ablaze the freshly mowed lawn.

They will call me an unimaginable traitor,

Then pray and thank the old gods later.

But the forbidden fruit leaks pure honey,

It stares at me like I owe it money.

No, I cannot fall for this temptation,

Cannot grant those thoughts an invitation.

Yet, my heart feels heavier every minute,

It begs me to just end it, just kill it.

I know I can do it, but not today.

I bite the fruit like the holiest prey.

-Jackie