Category: Jackie’s diaries

Your Terms

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Photo by T

I wish I didn’t have to say my goodbyes

Every time you need someone to agonize.

You hide in your shell, and I can only guess

If you are going to love me or pull out a test.

Yes, I was once angry and contradictory.

I burned down my city and called it a victory.

You kept showing up whenever you pleased,

And I mistook a trench for a tiny crease.

God, I tried, I gave up my polished fences.

While I looked away, you broke all the lenses.

Now my image lives in your dull eyes,

And it’s looking a lot like a sweet demise.

I wish I could take back my forgiveness,

Sell it to people who only mean business.

Your love feels like a needle in my chest,

But I know you would leave if I tried to confess.

I didn’t understand then, but I get it now –

If I step on your terms, I lose the crown.

(You should have been more careful when killing my mind.

Even gentle people attack from behind.)

-Jackie

Churches And Other Saintly Things

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Photo by Christian Muñoz

The door of the old church was heavy,

But you made sure I got in right after you.

Why do all of our stories sound saintly?

I bet nobody really believes they are true.

You might even remember your words

Or how you made them sound like an oath.

Love was not something we could afford.

We knew one day it could drown us both.

Still, we swam in these deep waters,

And each time you vanished, I followed.

I told you about the curse of my father

While your sentences stayed hollow.

I would have chased you as the end was nearing,

I would have made you a part of me.

People showed up as you kept disappearing,

But I did not care about their empathy.

Whenever you returned, the scars closed,

And my pain got brushed under the skin.

I knew that one day I would get disposed.

Still, I craved your love like it was a sin.

-Jackie

Borders

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Photo by Anfisa Eremina

I still remember the beginning of us.

It has echoed through me like some old tale.

I know you and I know us like I know my own shadow,

And I know that your coffin is missing one nail.

Maybe it was our little dance that got me,

Maybe the peace you brought swept me away.

I have showed you every angle I have,

And I feel scared every time you choose to stay.

Three borders keep us in different time zones,

But I hope that one day I will tear them down.

My shattered pride tells me that I am failing.

I do not know what to say when you drown.

Still, I remember the beginning of us,

And it replays in my head until I feel nauseous.

I know you, but maybe I just know myself.

These walls I build tell me I should be cautious.

-Jackie

I Have Been The Hunter

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Photo by Xi Xi

I am watching from the other side,

Observing my every move through a lens.

Not sure if I can still defend these choices,

Not sure if I still have any friends.

It is easy to leave in the middle of a storm –

Just pack your bags and sneak out.

Each time I calm the violent winds,

My fate puts me back on the killing route.

I have been the hunter for too long.

If souls exist, mine has long been buried.

My sins fall like snowflakes in front of me.

Suffering and I have always been married.

And I do not know where I am going,

But I am well aware of the damage I cause.

Loneliness never truly bothered me

Until I saw it wrapped in gauze.

-Jackie

Burn The Page

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Photo by Jermaine Ulinwa

I’m ripping apart every single page I wrote about you,

But it’s not like they show in the movies and that scares me.

My screams stay silent, suffocating everything that’s true.

I’m questioning my own morality while you stay carefree.

You weren’t the burden I expected to carry to my grave.

Now you’re cleaning your shovel, waiting for me to cool.

I wonder if you know that your heart is a freezing cave,

And that each soul tires of being used as a cold metal tool.

I’m burning every single paragraph that showed you I care,

But it’s not like in all of those songs, there’s no gasoline.

My red scalp is an open flame, yet I barely feel scared.

I would rather collapse than keep you as a part of me.

-Jackie

Late Night Frights

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Photo by RON JACOB LEONADOR

I might feel frightened to fade away before you even notice,

But my bones are too heavy to try and seek out solace.

This bridge that I haunt has seen my sour tears many times.

A decade wasted on trying to outrun sharpened knives.

My chest burns for a fantasy that is just out of my reach.

The crowds have gathered, they are glued to the velvet seats.

Will I really fall this time, or will I have my last hurrah?

The destiny holds heavy axes, ready for me to call a draw.

They say that time heals all, but my clocks have been frozen.

Why do I have to pay the price for scars I have not chosen?

The tomorrow stares at me blankly, like an impartial judge,

And I am frightened to burn out feeling like a drudge.

-Jackie

Hornets’ Nest

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Photo by roberto carrafa

Before you turn me into your final fantasy,

Blink twice and read the pulsating warnings.

Before you say you’ve seen the last of me,

Kneel and swear you will kill all your darlings.

I do not twist rumors around my teeth.

Crude people do not need my help with lying.

Say my name three times as you struggle to breathe,

Say my name until you cannot deny it.

No one tricked you into assigning me sainthood.

Your cries are as empty as my silent chest.

Before you beg your sins off like a traitor would,

Lay down your crown on my hornets’ nest.

-Jackie

Misfortune Teller

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Photo by Bia Sousa

Admit that you’re frightened, and I’ll spill your cruel fate.

The rules are simple – I’m the sage and you’re the bate.

The sinking feeling in your belly is the lack of dopamine,

And nobody you’ve loved has ever made you feel seen.

You’ve been yourself for ages, why don’t you change it up?

Clear intentions alone will never fill your leaking cup.

I know about the cards that you were given at the start.

If you hide your pain well, they’ll call your play smart.

But don’t you even bother to pinpoint my sources.

You think that the devil is the worst of all forces,

And I can tell you that you’re right or I can ruin beliefs.

I’m here for your misfortunes,

I’m here for your misdeeds.

-Jackie

Foolish Lullaby

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Photo by Leonardo Monteiro

I have been thinking a lot about unrequited love,

And your silhouette tells me I have willed it into existence.

My weapons have long surrendered to your power.

If you make a run for it now, you won’t face any resistance.

Every tiniest road I have walked knows my coldness.

This warmth flowing through me alienates me from my past.

You tell me it’s for the best, and you must leave,

But for the very first time I want to make a tragedy last.

I have been daydreaming about eternal nights,

And somehow your sadness writes its name in the sky.

This is my foolish lullaby, my gamble for a hope.

If you hold me again, we might get it right on the second try.

-Jackie

Unavailable

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Photo by lehandross

I throw myself at every blade I happen to encounter,

Hoping that I will not bleed if I do not falter.

These steels and irons you all carry have sharp points.

I am not the fragile kind, but cracks are spreading through my joints.

Who are you to judge if you are carrying a weapon?

My heart is clear, I never watch where I am stepping.

You and your shiny metal toys keep my throat aching,

And the city echoes that I never really needed saving.

Still, I approach each pointed sword like a dying flower

While you all chant, saying that the light must be devoured.

I do not pity you, but I feel sorry for the things you break.

One step closer and I will unleash this red hurricane.

-Jackie