Category: Jackie’s diaries

Out Of Love

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Photo by Arın Turkay

It has been a few days since I murdered my mauve vertigo,

And all I have left is a pinch of disappointment.

I am falling out of love and I am not sure how to let you know.

Do I admit it now or treat it like an appointment?

In your head I am already the villain in a palace,

Laughing as blue-collar workers pass me by.

You cut every warm corner of me with pure malice,

But I am sure someone will give your faux story a try.

I almost forgot that I am not that difficult to cherish,

Yet you would have probably enjoyed my ego bursting open.

In ten years you will look back at everything we perished,

And I will not recognize your face, but you will still be hoping.

Do not think for a second that those mountains moved themselves.

I pushed them on my shoulders until my skin was raw.

Instead of loving people, you just put them on these shelves,

Polish them until they shatter in your razor-sharp claws.

It has been a few days since I let the flames lick my charred scars,

And I frown at the mere thought of you being mine.

I am falling out of love with you in smoke-filled city bars.

Will you even notice when I finally cross the line?

-Jackie

Begging Me

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Photo by Matheus Guimarães

It’s never a good idea to raise the dead, but a man must kill what he buries,

And since you buried us by the church, I’m done picking words like cherries.

I guess that’s alright, you just don’t have the time to reach out these days.

Hope you’re out there finding a younger fantasy to mold like fragile clay.

You know better than the rest what it feels like to sneak up on people like prey,

Go out of your way for years to build trust that’s easily smothered in a day.

You convinced me I was mean for questioning your righteous ways.

Now you tell your sleepy city that you weren’t even planning to stay.

Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe I should’ve paid more attention and money,

But I guess now we’ll never know, and I guess you’ll never find it all funny.

I’m just a buzzkill, just a stone you used to get closer to the grand prize.

I’m a wicked witch haunting people until they change up their old alibis.

You see, it’s not a good idea to raise the ones we put in black caskets.

The truth is knocking from the inside, and the curse is begging for me to cast it.

-Jackie

Confessions

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Photo by Alexandra

You alter the air I breathe until I barely recognize it.

Loving you feels almost like living on a different planet.

We watch movies and spill our most shameful stories.

I hide my true self between sarcasm and allegories.

You push me away when you cannot take the rush.

Honey, is my love supposed to exhaust you this much?

I do not want to wait another night for you to say

That you have lost your patience and cannot stay.

I am deeply insecure, always scared of my own fear,

But I would beg if that was all it took to keep you here.

You dissolve my narcissism into lukewarm peace.

I must now get used to not flying from the trapeze.

-Jackie

Selfishly Numb

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Photo by AlteredSnaps

The people I meet on the loneliest nights

Tell me I don’t have any feelings

But they might.

I’m not sure what they see in my dead eyes,

And I don’t even ask,

I don’t apologize.

They can confess love as much as they please,

Cover me with white roses

Or get on their knees.

I hurt every time they try to convince me

That my wrists have a pulse

Because I know who killed me.

But they don’t listen, they just keep talking,

And I feel lonely again

When they are gawking.

The people I meet have skin in the game.

They assign me a purpose

Like I’m a beast to be tamed.

I’m not sure why they chase my presence,

And I don’t even ask,

I just take the presents.

-Jackie

My Narratives Trap Me

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Photo by Ekaterina Astakhova

They point fingers, they shake heads,

They make boots for me from lead,

And I bow down to the floor,

Begging them to curse some more.

Their heels dig into my bare shins,

And they’re convinced I’m made of tin.

I break my lashes into pieces

As they spill my wine and reasons.

They know how to make me tick

Even when I’m burned and sick.

I wish they had some sharper blades.

My truth spews flames from greyish shade.

They turn my stomach inside out,

Kiss my goodbyes on the mouth.

I hope one day I lose all ink

Or break the part that makes me think.

-Jackie

Leave No Trace

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Photo by Alim Dağ

What if the forests that I called my own when I was sixteen

Were really playing the long game, coming after my spleen?

I felt like every place I had loved had betrayed my dreams,

So, I packed my bags and left my home when I was eighteen.

What if the voices that I chase through snake-filled meadows

Are leading me towards the ledge and days full of night terrors?

Each story I sell for a dime comes back to read my prose,

But I do not have the strength to stay out of these shadows.

What if the street that I live on takes on my name and spite

And ruins my reputation like I once ruined my own might?

I can see my own footsteps leaving marks, rosy and bright,

And I am not sure if I should erase them or follow the light.

-Jackie

Time Tries To Befriend Me

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Photo by Vladimir Konoplev

I stare at the calendar, knowing that the day is near.

The sadness on the inside will outweigh the fear,

And the coat of yellow paint I put on my exterior

Will succumb to a darkness far superior.

I tick with the clock, counting down only zeros.

The cracks in my skin do not make me a hero.

I worry that the sadness inside will bleed through

And paint your roaring suffering pale and untrue.

But time tries to befriend me, and I just let it.

We all pay off our dues in scars or in debit.

My worst mistakes precede me like an omen

Until all of my bad days get interwoven.

-Jackie

Between Sips

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Photo by Ahmose Athena

I think of you between the early morning coffee sips

As I watch the time slipping between us like dirty silk.

I ask for forgiveness, so your shoulders shoo the chips.

Maybe it is too late to mourn all the spilled milk.

The ghouls I left behind me in the streets of my town,

They still clown around and peek through dusty windows.

I hear them cursing the ground I walk while they drown,

Saying women like me only go where the wind blows.

Still, each sentence you say holds me down like an anchor.

Rose colored things wash me out, but you never do.

I wish on you like a star with my selfishness and anger,

And I hope that you see me among all of the blue.

My sanity escapes me when you pull away once more,

But each time I know you will come back tomorrow.

I have never chased the loneliness of being adored,

Yet, even your sharpest words drown out all my sorrow.

-Jackie

They Feed On My Stories

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Photo by Alexey Demidov

I see them holding my fingers,

But I cannot feel their warm touch on my skin.

The numbness flows through me like a river,

Pushing me down like a pin.

I know I must go on without feeling.

This is the path I must follow ‘til the end.

Severed heads float through the air screaming,

But there is no time to bend.

I rush towards the neon door,

Searching for a single sign that could stop me.

The eerie emptiness speeds up time,

And every new exit is just a copy.

I trip on the wires and cables,

Falling down the hole that they’ve dug so neatly,

And they rip my stories from my shaking hands.

I really hope death beats me.

-Jackie

Sinking Feeling

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Photo by Ethem Kartal

There’s plenty of sadness lingering in the careless tears you left in me.

My head spins around like a disco ball, deflecting the grey trepidation.

Must all my stories end in loss and someone innocent leaving?

You know I let you quit as you please, so what’s with the hesitation?

I swear that no sea can compete with the sinking feeling you give me,

But the highs smell like early spring rain and my will succumbs to you.

Only I can save myself from this silver trap I built for the two of us.

Still, I’m hoping that you won’t run when you see that I’m not waterproof.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry about the way you cut me into pieces,

And I won’t tell them the promises that you made just to get high.

The feeling inside will dissolve like fog if I dare to breathe in the fumes,

But I’m not sure if I want to see the truth when I’m covered in your lies.

-Jackie