Category: Bez tēmas

The Archivist

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The diary of your latest test object.

Close-up photo of black and white journal
Photo by Min An

What a curse, what a privilege,

Looking through the director’s cuts in my memory,

Playing videos on my phone in an infinite loop

Until I’m sure of your covert treachery.

Context.

Clues.

Abuse.

Proof.

I dig through the pages until my fingers bleed.

Your gags come back to me in waves until I choke,

Spiraling deeper, sinking toward the ocean floor.

They said it was a joke.

The panic attacks,

Sleepless nights,

Nosebleeds,

Fights,

Rashes,

Emotional downfalls,

Mascara dripping off my lashes.

…a JOKE?

My eyes were soulless, my skin bruised and ashen.

My friends told me we could outrun the death wish,

But we don’t talk about the winter of 2024 anymore,

At least not since demise herself told me to perish.

Humor.

Revenge.

Picking sides.

Dead ends.

I’m not sure how I found my way to the lighthouse.

The fog lifted one day, yet I waited for the waves to return.

Waited for your words to serve as the anchor.

Even silence scared me, quiet made my stomach churn.

Nothing.

Peace.

Sunrise.

Sunset.

Routines kept me alive, ink kept me sane.

The grapevine was quiet until a message came through.

A broken sea creature dropped on my doormat,

And I almost stepped on it before realizing it was you.

Obsessed.

Paralyzed.

Greedy.

Antagonized.

I lock the door to keep you out,

Hoping you don’t turn into a sea monster,

But nothing’s promised.

I’ve escaped dozens of nooses,

Even mine,

But yours was the only one that called me alarmist.

Until the day that you rot,

Until my stomach’s in knots,

We will watch each other in perfect symmetry,

Crowds wondering who deserves the penalty.

Keep wondering.

Guess.

I kept the records.

Kept the mess.

Context.

Clues.

Abuse.

Proof.

-Jackie

Two White Pages

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While I sit here, rereading the pages of last year,

Repeating lines I wish I didn’t have to hear,

The light buzzes above me, accusing me of lies,

And I’m not sure what stopped me from sure demise.

A papercut stings my palm, making me pause.

A dramatic ending, but I don’t hear the applause.

Two white pages stick together like new lovers.

Do I separate the pair, or can they be without each other?

The title of the story rings a bell, and I jump.

Dear reader, I wish I could say the night was young,

Or that the streets were empty, or that I was freezing…

There wasn’t an excuse; there wasn’t a reason.

Vivid words on the page describe how you touched me.

I didn’t protest or try to end it abruptly.

There’s no use in trying to recall your sweet breath.

Your touch haunts my body like gilded regret.

The lines we crossed bit us as soon as it ended.

Who did you think you knew and befriended?

Why did I leave, and how did that make you feel?

No answers come, even when I pray and kneel.

While I sit here, rereading the pages of that night,

Reheating cold memories that wiggle and bite,

I know they kept me intact with their sharp spikes,

But, dear reader, I still wish that he were mine.

-Jackie

Envy

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Photo by NIKHIL BOMBATKAR

I envy the humans who have another cheek to turn

Because vengeance is the one thing keeping me alive,

And if I didn’t have bad blood in my veins,

I wouldn’t sit here all charming and well-spoken.

I envy the souls that don’t have to keep doing this.

Yes, perhaps that sounds morbid and bitter,

But I know my honesty doesn’t make a difference,

So I keep spilling words like cheap drinks at a bar.

-Jackie

Cutting Lemons

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Photo by Allan Carvalho

The lemons I cut on my kitchen counter

Still taste sweeter than your biting lips.

The money I spent on chasing your love,

I made it all back in generous tips.

I do not want to hear that you’re sorry.

You can save your reasons and your voice.

The times will catch up with thunderous traitors

And screams will overcome the noise.

-Jackie

High Demands

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Photo by Quỳnh Lê Mạnh

I bet you tell your old lovers why they should blame me.

I bet you forget to mention that we once existed.

But I was there, making a “yes” out of your “maybe”.

I was there because you chased, begged, and insisted.

And I wish your darlings could learn that I had no clue

When I promised to comply with your high demands.

I bet you call me the poison that turned you dark blue,

But it was you who let go off my trembling hand.

-Jackie

Five Words

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Photo by Suzy Hazelwood

Your sentences rotate like your tongue is a revolving door.

I can lip-synch the next phrase if you give me the chance.

The same five words spill out of you when I beg for more,

And I am not sure if this is a nightmare or a trance.

Yet you call it romance.

Delays, silence, and automated replies…

But I am too paralyzed to put weight on your lies.

Your worries levitate somewhere above my head like birds,

And I do wish I could be heard, but the screams make me weak.

We are cutting open our love, cutting it into bloody thirds.

You told your friends I cannot leave you for a week,

Then wondered when my smile was bleak.

The silence is now all yours.

Go and beg the gods on all fours.

-Jackie

Ruler Of This Disaster

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Photo by VICTOR SANTOS

I light candles and watch them warm up my room,

I spell out curses that will outline your doom.

You asked if I’d turn your life into a tragedy,

If I’d slice and dice your struggling legacy…

But you’re no longer the ruler of this disaster.

Watch me spin like a hurricane, faster and faster.

I sprinkle hot sparkles on our graying story,

I hex you and your reasons, excuses and sorries.

-Jackie

Better God

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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to let it all go,

Let you put on your big boy pants, let you enter the show.

Still, I know men like you tend to stay forever too young,

A little too scared to address the holes they punch in lungs.

It is now almost nine months since you pulled your excuses.

I wonder where I rank in the list of all your muses.

Let me know – is your unapologetic gaze finally done?

I know your wife prays every night you do not have a son.

You pray every night that I do not let my demons win.

Well, I hope you find a better God because mine lets me sin.

But you already know, the past strikes back when it pleases.

So, save your voice, you will need it to beg for Jesus.

-Jackie

Go And Get Ahead

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Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky from Pexels

Go and get ahead of the daily news,

Stage photo ops and plan fresh coups.

You’ll get tired from jumping through the hoops,

Untangling the endless loops.

Just don’t miss the turns and the clues.

I know you’ve been taken aback by the blues,

But keep your muse in charge of the fuse.

Love, you only get one ruse.

Carry only the fights that you can diffuse.

-Jackie

Begging The Night

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Photo by Aidan Roof from Pexels

The dawn breaks me in half and takes my neck as a trophy,

But I scream my lungs dry, begging for the night to hold me.

My pupils expand wider than an endless sea of falling stars,

And suddenly there is just the trees, no traffics and no cars.

The horizon is dying in every single vertical that I kill.

I could stop the cycle of abuse, but I  swear, I cannot stay still.

The dawn breaks me in half and takes my neck as a trophy,

But I scream my lungs dry, begging for the night to hold me.

-Jackie