Category: Jackie’s diaries

Speaking in Tongues

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Don’t waste my time, I know how to do it on my own.

The tears dry by turning to ice while they call me Joan.

I might be a heroine but not yet a saint, don’t lean on this loan.

Sky stinks of pastels and my soul evaporates into acetone.

Birds outside of my window are shooting for the pale moon.

Hours passing by, promising that I can leave this place soon.

The destiny is dragging out my breaths to the ancient runes.

I don’t mind theatrics but this murder feels like a honeymoon.

The further down the road, the more absurd it all becomes.

So much time to spend, yet we have to follow the beat of the drums?

Let me scream into the world’s pillow while everyone hums.

So much time to waste, so many lively lungs but it seems –

No one is noticing the swords and the guns.

Am I speaking in tongues?

-JW

Father’s Day

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Youth leaning over the half-built walls is not that upsetting but don’t turn away.

If you grew up when metal curtains were burning, there’s debt you need to re-pay.

You’ve been the dead horse beating back for far too long, and we’re not playing.

If you don’t want to listen to your children one bit, please know:

For this party you’re stuck in – we’re not paying.

I learned a thing or two from my daddy on smiling while playing deadly or dirty.

The lessons pour out of me as I’m wiser, they won’t stop until I’m far in my thirties.

Makes me wonder – what was it in him that made so many lost souls scared to death?

But then I remember how horrified I was when for a second he was my only safety net.

No backstabbing or second thoughts in that mind, only going straight for the kill.

So if I could see through his petty lies, don’t hold me back and ask me to shut up

Until the very moment my heart is perfectly still.

Let the youth lean on the same fences you’ve been holding up for many seasons.

Let the youth learn how they were props that you only kept in place by threatening

To charge every challenger for treason.

-JW

Travelling Show

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Quite tragic what happened when I dropped you and left.

I turned away dramatically while holding your spine

Like a cigarette.

At least that’s what you’re telling them, that’s how I know

That when I left, you made me into an amusement park,

Into a travelling show.

Not a circus, just a bare stage and bad storytelling.

I can tell you lie because your tongue is sour from spite

And it’s rapidly swelling.

It hurts to re-run the memories, to think about how I quit.

You were extremely vile but I wasn’t scared – so go,

Take away your friendship that’s counterfeit.

-JW

Fresh As A Daydream

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It’s one of those days. Someone breaks the news, the news break my bones.

Simple, logical. I’m lost in time and space. I’m freeing the dusty thrones.

Marching around the room aimlessly, memories bursting by my teary eyes,

Light speed is nothing compared to the rush of these thoughts, these lies.

I’m deep in self-pity and misery, angry at the destiny that cost me the sky.

Why do I only believe that there’s a god when I’m high on the cupid’s supply?

Then my song comes on. It crumbles. The reality reappears fresh as a daydream.

I start remembering all the parts you didn’t own, how I was always the A-team.

And the freedom sets me jumping up and down, flying down a flight of stairs.

My father used to say that goodbyes are only bitter if the opponent fought fair.

All life spent running from demons – maybe this is the one I beat facing him directly?

Maybe you were the one wicked curse not going in for the kill,

Maybe you shot to protect me?

-JW

Blood Is (Not) Thicker

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As cold as these memories are, I’ll try torching them nonetheless.

The rose tattoo on my shoulder is freezing, the shakes are becoming effortless.

The marrow in the bones is long gone, my hunger doesn’t stand a chance.

And I’m sorry that I’m so damn spoiled – I tried to warn you in advance.

I see troops marching with the machines, gathering their accolades.

My tongue – twisting in an endless loop, seeking words to dull the blades.

It is never easy to lose the one you looked for to a petty act of vengeance.

Why in our twenties we’re acting like we owe respect to ancestors

And also – descendants?

It’s good to have pride but how much honor can each generation carry?

Every step hurts the parents, every misstep – kids; cheeks burning redder than sweetest cherries.

As scary as it is to leave the past behind and future ahead, I will take my chances.

Surviving from second to second, trusting my mind, not my blood-addicted senses.

-JW

The Darkest Sides of the Moon

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Help me sober up from the puddle of mud I chugged for you.

We’re not operating at the same frequency but it still rings true –

I cannot concentrate when your foolish mind runs around mine,

It sprints in circles, and I’m outrun, acting as if it’s fine.

No one’s giving a helping hand when I’m down and that’s normal.

I begged you not to cut my wrists and you asked to keep it formal.

One inch from the finish line is where I realized my painful mistake –

I didn’t let your cast iron heart drown in sea, I thought it was a fake.

You’ve been exquisite at making the darkest sides of the moon disappear,

And I’ve kept my guard up, kept the bridges burned and coast clear.

Somehow the mud in my stomach is making my heels unsteady,

And maybe we’re not on the same wave-length but to let you go –

I don’t feel ready.

But if you still have some love in stock, I won’t take any.

I’m not your lucky penny.

Not again.

I won’t take any.

Bloodline

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And my bloodline charged me with arson

Even though I simply lit one spark.

They tried me for treason – no particular reason,

They didn’t want me to leave a mark.

“Let the witches burn, don’t fight it,” I say,

“Let them scream, let’s imagine it’s all realer than real.”

I embrace how they turn the narrative to betray.

One can boil blood but can’t melt steel.

With this low gaslight temperature

They’re ruining the play.

I’m not here to stay.

-JW

Monster

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I was never able to love the beast inside of me

So I fell for the monster in you.

Who knew – that the death of me

Will be as sweet as honey and stick like glue.

And it will suffocate me like the town I outgrew.

But the current carries my bones to the sea

While I’m clenching the shell you drew.

Pull the curtain back once you count to three.

Pretend you never knew.

-JW

Cheap Misanthropies

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It’s OK, break the last hope in me and don’t hesitate.

Don’t you feel sorry for trying so hard to emulate?

It won’t be simple to live with this heart and this desire

But for five years in a row you have asked for it,

You’re the one to aspire.

It’s alright, take my friends and borrow my trophies.

Turn my beliefs into blow or cheap misanthropies.

If you ask one day – why does life hurt all of a sudden?

Don’t be afraid, put my body in dirt, sink it in a puddle.

It won’t help your struggle

But…

It’s fine, peel my skin off and read my diaries through.

My unexpected exit isn’t the reason I’m feeling so blue.

The crowds are wearing my liveliness over their shoulders,

Expecting to gain the power of a hundred soulful soldiers.

That’s what’s shaking my coffin, making me older

But what’s living without a little after-life odor?

One day we’ll mold the ones that were always the scolders.

-JW

Certain Kind of Happiness

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Oh, how I loved you… You must admit

There wasn’t place for anyone else to enter.

We never called it quits

But you mocked me as a mind bender

So I hid and covered my fits.

Oh, how lucky I am to see you go down,

And for all you’ve done, I’m not surprised.

Hope this makes your mommy proud.

Hope I’m the Trojan horse, well disguised.

Your agony is my prize.

Oh, how glad I was about it being over.

Your friends talked loud but I didn’t listen.

It was always my doing, giving you a cold shoulder?!

Hope your next mistress – she christens,

Because the bravery in you so often bristles.

Oh, how bitter my existence must taste.

You’ve been played, and I’m clearly the face.

I wanted to forget but now it’s all waste –

The times you screwed me over… No trace.

Remember – you called me ‘out of place’?

(Never challenge a hellhound to a puppy race.)

-JW