Category: Jackie’s diaries

Cheap Misanthropies

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It’s OK, break the last hope in me and don’t hesitate.

Don’t you feel sorry for trying so hard to emulate?

It won’t be simple to live with this heart and this desire

But for five years in a row you have asked for it,

You’re the one to aspire.

It’s alright, take my friends and borrow my trophies.

Turn my beliefs into blow or cheap misanthropies.

If you ask one day – why does life hurt all of a sudden?

Don’t be afraid, put my body in dirt, sink it in a puddle.

It won’t help your struggle

But…

It’s fine, peel my skin off and read my diaries through.

My unexpected exit isn’t the reason I’m feeling so blue.

The crowds are wearing my liveliness over their shoulders,

Expecting to gain the power of a hundred soulful soldiers.

That’s what’s shaking my coffin, making me older

But what’s living without a little after-life odor?

One day we’ll mold the ones that were always the scolders.

-JW

Certain Kind of Happiness

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Oh, how I loved you… You must admit

There wasn’t place for anyone else to enter.

We never called it quits

But you mocked me as a mind bender

So I hid and covered my fits.

Oh, how lucky I am to see you go down,

And for all you’ve done, I’m not surprised.

Hope this makes your mommy proud.

Hope I’m the Trojan horse, well disguised.

Your agony is my prize.

Oh, how glad I was about it being over.

Your friends talked loud but I didn’t listen.

It was always my doing, giving you a cold shoulder?!

Hope your next mistress – she christens,

Because the bravery in you so often bristles.

Oh, how bitter my existence must taste.

You’ve been played, and I’m clearly the face.

I wanted to forget but now it’s all waste –

The times you screwed me over… No trace.

Remember – you called me ‘out of place’?

(Never challenge a hellhound to a puppy race.)

-JW

Leading Your Nightmares

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And I think you regret everything after all, don’t you, darling?

Who am I to guess your regrets after you came at me, snarling…

But the feeling was deeper than shame I exuded at the moment.

The warmth was taken aback the second true words were spoken.

I often dream about you having nightmares where I am the lead,

We’re talking loud, you’re being mean, yet – you can’t compete.

All your arguments crash against the surface of your shallow grave.

Who would’ve guessed? The most prideful of primates will go

Still lacking the skill to behave.

Don’t blame me – I didn’t have the time to dig you that ditch.

How many times in the past two years you called me a bitch?

Who can count? Certainly, not you, denial is the key to winning.

So today let’s cheers to the odds of you ever touching me again

Critically thinning.

-JW

Velvet

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A lot of undeserved luck comes out of this moment,

And I don’t nurture the fear, I choke the opponent.

I’m too aggressive, they say, a real big sounder,

But really, I might go mute if I go a little louder.

Out of Seattle the mountain lions are sound asleep.

In this short sleeve weather I’m singing to “Creep”.

The orange skyline spilling wet honey on my nose.

Being myself is still the most dangerous dose.

The boots sink into the dusty ground, creating smoke,

Contemplating this weird existence, sipping coke,

Riding the blackest ideas out, smoking them like velvet…

You know?

Once the blade falls down, I won’t wear a helmet.

-JW

Three Lights

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Staying safe in between the busy railroads,

Running trains brushing off painted antidotes.

The trees lean on my clavicle, cracking it in,

And feeling good seems to be the original sin.

Leaves shaking my ribcage with seven winds,

Heart chambers made out of empty cans and tins.

Roots graying out but I’m standing my ground.

Seeing the three lights approaching

Kicks my recklessness, so new-found.

-JW

Chanting At Picket Fences

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Today feels different from the rest, you and I both sense the pressure.

These thoughts have never strangled me, I barely grasp the rugged texture.

The newscasters are casting spells, the words – not making any sense.

We hold the ground through unfair rains, we hide it from the violence.

We heed the facts so frantically, we hail them for our innocence.

No empathy fired from the other side though,

Silence building like a picket fence.

I see you through the white and gold, the metal gates keep clanking back.

The less you hear the rawest truths, the more you highlight what we lack.

What is the answer to your prayers? What is your plan for standing down?!

Let’s hope our chants aren’t distracting, please don’t be bothered while some drown.

…But there’s no shame in being proud for doubting wrongly taken crowns.

Don’t smile when burning the dictionary pages

To turn the word “voice” strictly into a noun.

-JW

Farewells

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Nothing makes my days calmer than the absence of you.

And for some reason I didn’t have the power to let you go –

On my own, without someone pulling the trigger for me.

Only blank bullets rained on you so it didn’t hurt. Sorry.

But the taste of freedom is feeding my senses decadently.

I want to take in the moments as if they’re the last to see.

Maybe I’m mean but you burned me blue for your pleasure

So let me keep the memory of you leaving as a treasure.

-JW

Building A Lullaby

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The perfect balance does not exist on a faulty planet

And destiny keeps playing drums on polished granite.

The rhythm section is not coming along as planned.

It sometimes scares me – here we stand

Just to end up as few grains of sand.

I try to amplify the echoes but they all fall flat on the ground.

Plastic crates, even metal cages do not resonate the sound.

The lurking chords are getting wider with nowhere to go

So I talk in my sleep while it snows.

At least my nightmares have something to show.

-JW

Fire Exit

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Pulling the scabs resurfaced on my brain, burning and drowning them,

Pouring on alkaline but it’s missing, dripping down, making my ego numb.

Cutting the old battle scars open to look for some fruitless revelations

But it appears I’m fresh out of clues, and these scabs are my damnation.

Squeezing my neck tighter to stop the air from leaving my powerless bones.

It doesn’t seem to help. Voices are attacking like gargoyles, raising tone.

Deep down I know that waiting it out must do the trick but am I ready?

I’ve forgotten how to take the fire exit when the building doesn’t look steady.

-JW

Lonely Poetry Ritual

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Not missing you hurts more than holding onto your arm for dear life.

That was the part I least expected. Did you?

Did it cut like a hollow knife?

Don’t be fooled, I’m not looking for answers in lonely poetry rituals tonight.

I’m simply grasping the little ironies of how instead of leaving it all alone

I put up a fight.

The calm I feel now – wouldn’t sell if for 30 pieces of silver, I think Judas lied.

Or maybe he did it to embrace the peace afterwards,

And the offer of coins simply aligned?

But I’m not angry anymore – so it’s impossible to hang around the grief,

It’s even difficult to recall how rage fumed out of my nostrils

Hence I’m asking you to keep the goodbyes brief.

Not missing you is like taking a shower and rediscovering my own skin underneath –

Again, after all the slaps and bruising, and dragging my name through the mud

I’m finally smiling with my teeth.

Your time is up, old friend, please take the last empty seat.

-JW