Month: Dec 2021

Redemption

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I got exactly what I wanted, I got every last thing,

I got my emerald crown, I got my gilded wings.

As I danced at midnight, swaying like a birch tree,

The scars from my past became just memories.

Because I got what I wanted through blood, sweat and tears,

And many people smirked when I overcame my fears.

Still, I got the safety, and I got a stable home,

And in my animated mind I was never once alone.

I got my happy ending on my own silver screen,

But the final frames faded faster than the sheen.

While my champagne ran dry, I did not notice the shadows,

I did not see the evil men building me black gallows.

One day the life I knew shattered right before me,

It ripped like an old poster, broke like a cheap trophy.

Yes, I got exactly what I wanted, but it was not enough.

I smiled through my teeth, but the men called my bluff.

They stripped me of my jewels, they even took my pride.

When they were not looking, I hid away my mind.

I got all that I wanted, so they wanted some too,

And they took my golden eyes and died them deep blue.

The loss suffocated me like hot city air at night,

The disrespect cut my pale face with its knives.

I got the wings and the chalices but had no weapons.

They laughed at my words, they burned down my lessons

Until all that was left was just me and my thoughts

Swimming in my grey skull, twisting into knots.

I was ready to face the music then and there.

The evil men approached me, laughing at my fear.

As they lifted their blades in this falsified victory,

I cut my palms open on the broken chalices,

And I painted the streets red, I bled until they pleaded.

I lost all that I wanted, but got all I ever needed.

-Jackie

Your Final Fantasy

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They keep writing best-selling novels about how enchanted I should feel

When someone looks at me like they own me,

Like I owe them my sex appeal.

They call me stuck up when I complain, they never want to hear me out.

So, I write it down on paper and burn it,

Making sure I do not make a sound.

They gloss over the battle wounds I carry under my aluminum belts.

As long as they do not notice the bruising,

They do not want to hear about the welts.

They even act shocked when people like me decorate the front pages,

And they march in the streets to stop it,

Displaying their little, poisonous rages.

But those who live in cages of their own making will never be free,

They will bite the neck of every wild bird

To taste the flesh of their final fantasy.

Let me be clear, I do not pity them, I just hope they cannot catch me

As I steal their eyeballs when they are asleep

So they can no longer lick their lips at me.

I will keep writing petty little poems about how disgusted I always feel

When someone talks like I am a trophy,

Like I am something that they can steal.

-Jackie

The Long Winter Nights

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This winter is difficult to carry alone,

I feel it gnawing at my brittle bones.

It growls when I leave, howls when I return,

It chokes me out with its freezing fur.

The darkness slips through my window at night,

I feel it lingering to my right.

It holds up my chin and makes me drink,

It drowns me in thoughts I cannot win.

The snow is falling gently on my floor,

And the winds run through the open door.

My limbs go numb, my tongue capitulates.

As the light will die, they will speculate –

What happened to her, what happened here?

Was she killed by a heartbreak or was it fear?

They will never blame the long winter nights,

They will never check their alibis,

And they will say:

“She didn’t put up a fight.”

-Jackie

A Careless Woman

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You ran through my mind, ran faster than a bullet,

And got stuck to my skull like old bubble gum.

You ripped my thoughts, and you emptied my wallet,

Danced around me, smelling of tobacco and rum.

You hit my forehead like a golden lightning bolt,

Emptying my lungs of fresh air to breathe.

You spilled all the lies that I have never told,

Then baked my brain in the summer heat.

You watched as they took me for a careless woman,

You did not try to correct them once.

They branded me immoral, branded me inhuman,

They said I should go and listen to the nuns.

You spun me around faster than an autumn storm,

And I did not get a chance to land on my feet.

This romance, it used to be biting yet warm,

Now it bathes in my loss, my ultimate defeat.

-Jackie

The Business Of Hope

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The sentences I dare to say out loud,

They speak a lot about great forgiveness,

They talk about trying, and they gather crowds

Like all great monologues about falling to pieces.

But I am not happy or hopeful at all

Watching people die from this empty glass palace.

Whenever someone believes me, my skin crawls,

And death refills my shattered chalice.

I am selling an illusion, and I am selling out.

I am selling my ideas to the highest bidder.

Even though it seems like I should not be allowed,

Still, I feel lonely, I feel bitter,

Almost like my words erase all my actions,

And nothing counts at the end of the day.

If you think you see right through me, that is just a fraction,

Just another scenario, another play.

The carousel never stops spinning and selling me,

It runs on this worthless business of hope,

It runs on people with the finest pedigree,

And those like me, trying to escape the rope.

-Jackie

The Poisonous Apple

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cw: disordered eating, death

I have had no appetite for a week, even looking at food makes me sick.

In no time they will praise me for this, saying I look like a stick.

But that is just a trick, just a thing they do when they smell my misery,

It is a rotten fruit grown by those who cannot accept my victories.

I have this fantasy that they take me away in a small and shiny casket,

It gets stronger when I drive in a taxi, so real I cannot hide or mask it.

My life runs like water from a faucet, I want someone to drain it all,

Block the pipes, burn the towels, let the pressure rise and fall.

And then – just one more fall and it is winter forever, so white and calm.

They fake tears as they cry for me, they giggle when the priest reads the psalms…

I bury my face in my cold palms because I am sick from the vertigo,

And I snap at my mother even though she almost died two weeks ago.

When everything falls like dominoes, why am I still here, why am I breathing?

What did I do to deserve this chaos, this painful choking and heaving?

Because of you, I have had no appetite for a week, I am empty.

You fed me one poisoned apple, swearing that it would be more than plenty.

But that is just a trick, just a thing they do when they smell my wrath,

It is a rotten fruit grown by their fear, it knows I will never follow their path.

-Jackie

Weightless

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They perceive you as weightless, but you could sink a ship with that heart.

All that loneliness must exhaust you, it must sting furiously,

Still, you hold it delicately like a feather and play it smart.

If you just let me, I would grab a dart and pop your fears like a balloon,

Let them hear the screams you have been hiding under the surface,

Unmask all your biggest villains, all your goons.

But it is too soon, and you know it better than any weatherman could –

Some of us are born to stand in the freezing cold, just waiting,

Covered in the blood of strangers and thick soot.

If you let me see your numbing foot before it becomes way too late,

I would cover you in sunrays, give you some chamomile tea,

Then let you limp away and leave it all up to the fate.

They see you shake the first snow out of the clouds, they see you smiling.

You could cover the whole city in ice with your tears,

But they can never know how much it takes for you to keep trying.

They find you beguiling, their cheeks turn red as you change the seasons.

You are weightless, you are ethereal to them, so you know –

It is easier to upkeep the illusion and cover any reason.

Their insensitivity feels like a treason, and you choose to carry the blame.

And if you must admit it, you know it as well as I do –

Their perceptions keep you alive, but they kill you all the same.

-Jackie

All Her Mistakes

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Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, form a circle.

Stand around her limp body as she struggles to scream.

No pictures, just memories of how she turns purple.

Watch as her life comes apart at the seams.

What once was a fate sewn with golden thread

Has now turned into patchwork with missing pieces.

All the kind words she spoke have now turned to threats,

And her beauty is getting lost in the creases.

Loom out of the dark, gather ‘round, come even closer.

Look how she shakes when they unleash all her mistakes.

Her final breaths sound like a story lacking closure,

And her innocent eyes grow calm like lakes.

-Jackie

Exit, Love

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I see it all in retrospect now,

I see how it all played out –

How I gleefully jumped up and down

When I received the news,

How I declared my love out loud

While missing all the cues.

I see it all clearly now, I swear.

I know I look worse for wear,

Stuck in my own head,

Unable to forgive my own fears.

But I promise I was so in love,

I could have called an enemy dear.

I see it all crumble to pieces in my palm.

Not one, not two – three times,

Yet somehow, I stay calm

As they tell me to forget about the rhymes,

Forget my own gods and psalms.

I see it all turning to dust, I see it dying.

You know, the prophets were lying –

And everyone who came after them too.

My lips are turning ocean blue

As I compose another poem about trying.

I see it all becoming my past,

I knew good things were not meant to last.

Was it good though?

Was it just coping until someone asked –

Do you notice yourself sinking down low?

I see myself appearing full of hope,

But I am at the end of my rope.

I see how it all played out,

The memories feel like shouts

As I approach the downward slope.

I see it all in retrospect now,

I see myself, hear the whys and the hows,

And maybe that is enough,

Enough to make a vow –

Exit before the times get rough,

Exit, love, exit now.

-Jackie

Getting Better At Wishing You Well

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One day your estranged children and wives won’t call you back,

They will only politely check in once a month.

Your lungs will catch up with your heart, they will grow black.

One day you will run out of good women to hunt.

And one day your family will visit, but right before you pass.

You will naively pretend that they truly care,

You will try to not choke on the fake smiles and raise your glass

As your grandchildren will joyfully stare.

And right then and there out of all the tales you will tell,

The one your family will love the most will be called

“She Is Getting Better at Wishing You Well”,

Then they will pack up and head straight to the local mall.

You will think about how my face turned grey when you touched me,

The sickness will eat at your empty chest.

The regret will overflow your arteries, but you always get lucky.

You will never die, you will never rest.

I know it is all in my head, I am driving my own ship half-mast.

I know it is not going to happen, I know this is silly,

But even small people like me need to escape their past,

So, I hope you will never be happy because otherwise the weight might kill me.

Still, I hope you know I never got better at wishing you well.

You did not seem to be someone who takes the hint,

But I can only pray that the rest of your life feels like hell,

And the memories of me bite you like freezing wind.

-Jackie