Month: Sep 2021

Had to hide my femininity in dresses made of steel,

Had to hide my pain in heels, and they made me bleed.

Not that I hate my features, not that I feel gentle,

My head is a wire in an atomic bomb being dismantled.

Had to hang in the ropes you tied around my chest,

Had to listen about your struggles without any rest.

Now my fake smile looks more like a crooked frown,

And I can only think about dragging you down,

Down here where I have lived for so many years.

There is something freeing about people without fear

And about places that are burning to the ground

As you stand there watching, helpless in a gown.

Had to hide my emotions in red wrapping paper,

Had to hide the grief so I could not find it later.

My past is now covered in inches of ash and dust.

I laugh in pure agony while you stare in haughty disgust.

-JW

She was another oath you chose to ignore when it came in handy.

You wanted a daughter who could handle fruit brandy,

A successor with a taste for indecent men who saw her as eye-candy.

Yet, she did not bow to your black-tie ways of circumventing morals.

You gave her away for dimes to keep on your white collar –

And not because you needed yet another blood dollar.

She was a trophy you waltzed around the kitchen once a year.

They believed you when you said, “she is to be feared,”

They trusted you, just you, and stripped away everyone she held dear.

Nobody talks about your deals or how you stay in the shade, no.

She dreaded how they spun the story but learned to live in the vertigo.

On Fridays she even smiled, knowing you are sinking in blow.

With nowhere to go, her mind welcomed every colossal tale,

And her tongue was way too quick for her wit to ever fail.

Still, she waited for your condolences in the mail.

They spoke about her “deadbeat father” behind doors and backs, but never to her.

They assumed that one day she will slow down and adhere,

Only if she listened, only if she finally agreed to hear.

But there is only so much that locks and wrapped lies can cover.

The truth slipped off its masks, releasing all that has been smothered.

She had no choice but to make revenge her lover.

-JW

The loop is tightening around my neck every time someone mentions your name.

Seven stages of grief repeating in my head, seven stages that I never overcame.

So, I keep lying to the ones who care – I think it is half the work, I think they buy it.

The loop digs into my skin, severing arteries, and my thoughts start another riot.

Not to sink in lifelong clichés, but I must admit I knew since the time I met you.

Your eyes felt like glass on my exposed skin, they were so cold I turned blue.

Every single minute in your presence I felt your control slipping out of the way.

My perfume got stuck in your head for hours, then it lingered for another day,

Until you got me alone and chose to cross the boundaries like wild rivers.

It has been a month or so, I cannot think about that evening without dire shivers.

You took the one moment I shined and soiled it, you could not have chosen better,

Because now I cannot help but refuse all good things as they taste too bitter.

The loop you tied around my neck almost took my spine one too many times.

It is funny – how men like you get a chance to never think about their crimes.

So, I keep lying to myself, pretending that the truth is bendable to your winds.

The loop feels like a noose sometimes, and I am not sure if I can win.

But at least I have some hope,

The same cannot be said about your sins.

-JW

Tell me one more time how I should laugh it off,

How I should grow a thicker skin

Just to fit right into your plot.

No, honey, I am out of patience for bold men,

I am out of reasons to excuse them

Or to let them off my pen.

I want to drive my ink through them like a hook,

Twist it through the spine,

Take the blood and burn their books.

They call me embarrassing for speaking out.

But why are they so worried

If I have nothing to be loud about?

On the other hand, why would I even bother?

Afterall, I get nothing here,

I stay broke after shaming your brothers.

And I do not have skin in the game, my love,

But I have my whole flesh burning

As you watch from the front row.

So, tell me again how I should laugh it off,

How I should grow a pair…

When will my pain be loud enough?

-JW