Tag: pain

Accusation

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I can do it again,

I can go back to my friends

who only call me back when I pay them.

I can crush my own heart

until you feel content.

I will smile wide while you cause mayhem.

If my love is worth nothing,

say it to my face,

watch my kindness disappear.

You trapped me in a cage,

called me your only darling

when you knew my death was near.

They told you I was done,

no hope left to spare.

I watched you from the shadows for years.

My blade drips ink,

your neck leaks regret.

We all become what we fear.

-Jackie

The Closure

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Crawling through all these pitiful messes to the finish line

Peeking from the hills, for the thousandth time promising

It will be mine.

It’s been years swimming in self-hate so I learned quickly

That progress is not a linear uphill drive and all achievements

Might go swiftly.

Once in a while it’s too much, and my back aches from falling,

I’m hoping I can lay there forever without ever trying to climb

But the brain is brawling.

Seven stones in my backpack trying to push me off the balance,

Rubbing against each other in symphonies of pure elegance

With pricey valance.

Whenever I’m three metres away, I lose my self-composure.

The hills are now peeking at me. The mountain disappears. Again.

“No closure this time. No closure.”

-JW

Francis Scott

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And to people who fell for the illusion of me doing well which I created –

I believed it too, but my mind stood in the cold and stayed berated.

Put one finger into the dark molasses, hit one more nail into the coffin.

Built a crematory of burnt bridges and needles dropping.

Yet – my gullible soul waited for the pain to soften.

I believe that everyone deserves a re-do but I wanted to have two

And maybe that’s too much to ask from my younger self, she’s still missing clues.

Once they reveal what’s hidden, she’ll learn not to overpay her dues.

In the distance I yet again see a sign blinking “What’s the use?!”

When I turn the other cheek, they steal my insecurities to turn me into a muse.

I know how to cause a fight but I’m yet to learn how to make it easy for me.

They once called me Francis Scott – all focused on the glitz, not on the story.

And I’ll keep covering my tortured being with saying “sorry”

When I don’t owe a single apology to people who came before me.

So fall for the mirage, don’t hesitate to bathe in pain’s glory.

-JW

Cheap Misanthropies

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It’s OK, break the last hope in me and don’t hesitate.

Don’t you feel sorry for trying so hard to emulate?

It won’t be simple to live with this heart and this desire

But for five years in a row you have asked for it,

You’re the one to aspire.

It’s alright, take my friends and borrow my trophies.

Turn my beliefs into blow or cheap misanthropies.

If you ask one day – why does life hurt all of a sudden?

Don’t be afraid, put my body in dirt, sink it in a puddle.

It won’t help your struggle

But…

It’s fine, peel my skin off and read my diaries through.

My unexpected exit isn’t the reason I’m feeling so blue.

The crowds are wearing my liveliness over their shoulders,

Expecting to gain the power of a hundred soulful soldiers.

That’s what’s shaking my coffin, making me older

But what’s living without a little after-life odor?

One day we’ll mold the ones that were always the scolders.

-JW

Chanting At Picket Fences

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Today feels different from the rest, you and I both sense the pressure.

These thoughts have never strangled me, I barely grasp the rugged texture.

The newscasters are casting spells, the words – not making any sense.

We hold the ground through unfair rains, we hide it from the violence.

We heed the facts so frantically, we hail them for our innocence.

No empathy fired from the other side though,

Silence building like a picket fence.

I see you through the white and gold, the metal gates keep clanking back.

The less you hear the rawest truths, the more you highlight what we lack.

What is the answer to your prayers? What is your plan for standing down?!

Let’s hope our chants aren’t distracting, please don’t be bothered while some drown.

…But there’s no shame in being proud for doubting wrongly taken crowns.

Don’t smile when burning the dictionary pages

To turn the word “voice” strictly into a noun.

-JW

Dead Flowers

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Electric sounds blasting through the floral patterned wallpaper.

The sound of seven hells bursting open leaves my lungs as a vapor.

Oh, go along, nothing to see here, simply red and yellow ichor exploding –

Yet the mirage above the mountaintops is rapidly imploding.

Can’t find the light switch, perhaps it has finally evaporated.

Perhaps I’m breathing in its suicide, and my chest feels weighted.

The ceiling is leaking holographic liquids into my tired hips.

Please wake me up once it’s all clear and the curve finally dips.

-JW

The Revelation

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It feels irrelevant to feel the rut I’m feeling, but it’s still true –

My mind is rumbling, I can’t hear the chorus through the blues.

The fences are getting higher and I don’t want to manage,

And every day I don’t, my brain gets twice the damage.

I didn’t know you were listening to my story all along.

To you it might seem that I’m visionless or not that strong.

To you the picture has been painted through a distorting mirror.

But I don’t care –

Come, take in my suffering from the cuts, almost like a killer.

Then he whispers:

“Step away from the catastrophe for a second, let me ground it.

I know that the truths you’ve been hearing sound astounding,

And somehow you keep on beating the current as if it’s your cure –

But there comes a time to realize that you will not be judged

By the pain you endure.”

-JW

Enterlude

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Inscrutable gazes thrown at me from the empty corners.

This town has lost all shame, it’s gauging and devouring the mourners.

I sense a pair of evil peepers landing on my stripped emotions –

And the looks on their faces bite, but their sentences chew me up, these fake devotions…

A while back I would’ve sworn on my dignity to never let them get to you

But you left without saying goodbye, with her by your side, and I’m out of honor to prove.

No country far enough, my trail of betrayal will forever loiter around.

However, I have to flee the scene of the crime, time is an impatient hound.

Way back I heard someone mentioning the neon sins at a city behind the desert,

Three seas apart from this town, just far enough for me to run in black army boots and a nightshirt.

That’s where I’m going, no unnecessary looks over the shoulder, no farewells left for friends –

And why would I warn them? They’re the reason I have to fend,

No time left to make amends.

-JW

Neon Blues

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Met you in an empty beach, so lonely and dry, it resembled a deserted island.

Took you for a walk through the greenest of forests, through waters of diamond,

I made the fields of flowers bloom for your green eyes, but they cut me deep

When your smirk pushed me down a hill so dangerously steep.

Met you in the lowest of trenches, Marianas couldn’t stand a chance –

The darkness was pushing my head against the metal, death and I had this dance

Where she took a step to the left, and I went in for a kiss like it’s nothing.

Somehow she always missed the veins but her rejections was awfully cutting.

Met you in the coldest of winters. Love, it’s still freezing, my bones are brittle.

I’ve stood for months in this weather when I promised – I’d stay just a little.

My hands have gone numb, my vision is blurry, and I cannot follow your voice

As you refused to speak when my blood froze – like I had a choice.

Met you in a ball, so crowded and loud. The air was heavy from my lustful breath.

You were dressed in white, and when you saw me – you acted as we’ve never met.

The candlelight spilled all over my shoulders and turned my anger neon blue.

Why do you keep building worlds where we’re only strangers

When it’s always been just about you?

-JW