The bathroom mirror bends my waist in half
And it’s the only friend I’ve got when I’m wasted.
I starved myself of joy for reckless beings.
Now I’m a wreck too, and I hate it.
Yes, I hate it.
People accuse me of cruel phrases,
Saying hurt is just a phase I will sweat out.
But being unlovable is like a maze –
The deeper you go, the more you change route.
You cannot get out.
-Jackie
I don’t recall the last time I had anything of substance to say to you.
To be frank, I don’t even miss the days when I still didn’t have a clue.
But I know better now – some people can love you and get it all very wrong,
And there’s no reason to cry about it because storms don’t last too long.
Even if I found the sentence that would unlock your walls and fences,
I wouldn’t have the patience to fight your love, so fragile and defenseless.
All the misery weighed too hard on me, so I asked my people for help.
They confirmed what I’ve been suspecting – you had prosecuted yourself.
I carried your limp body on my shoulders for weeks, then months.
My own legs collapsed but you insisted that the heart wants what it wants.
Now I don’t have the heart to tell you that we’re dead and rotting away
Because you haven’t had the courtesy to show empathy in ten days.
If you can’t see that your own silhouette is blocking your ladder to heaven,
You can get these empty niceties back.
I will kill them when the clock strikes eleven.
-Jackie
These long eclipse hours I waste daydreaming about what could have been,
They weigh heavily on what is left of my heart,
Then erase my good deeds to replace them with sins.
I long for a place under this pitch-black sky but all I see are scarlet warnings.
Loose memories float right in front of my face,
And I can only hope I get to see the next morning.
No, it was not always like this – I still remember how I used to greet the sun.
Every puzzle piece of my virtues broke into shards,
So, I told my loved ones to run.
Now I keep getting stuck in this endless feedback loop of spiraling emotions,
And nobody dares to call my name out loud
Because I turn sympathy into solid devotion.
Some nights I even enjoy watching the fear fill their eyes like maroon smoke.
I hate who I have become more than anything,
But I fantasize about choking out these old jokes.
These long eclipse hours I spend considering how I let myself bleed red,
They drag me by my ankles like balloons,
Then replace my gleeful smiles with torment and dread.
-Jackie
We laugh in a cozy bar without a single soul around us.
Just for a moment I enjoy the silence in my head.
I get high on conversations about terrible people,
And your patience for your boss is hanging by a thread.
Someone drops their cold beer and breaks the glass,
But we barely notice as the sparkling time flies by.
I do not remember what I cried about last night,
And I am sure that you have the strongest alibi.
The streetlights do not make any sense in the rain
As we jump over puddles giggling like some kids.
A few months ago, I walked until I got soaking wet,
And I thought that love should feel like needles and pins.
But I am not that bright-eyed girl who they once knew.
Irises replaced the sour feelings that grew rotten.
I know he is out there talking about terrible people,
And as long as you are here, it is all long forgotten.
-Jackie
What if I blurt out the words and let them shoot across the foggy fields like sun rays?
What if I jump in the clear water just to feel the chill tingling my head like a haze?
I am far too afraid to let out a sound because the hounds have been after my scent.
The last time I took that risk they cleaned out my heart and put my chest up for rent.
The feeling deserves its place under the sky, but my lips refuse to part for weeks,
And I am stuck on a cliff with everyone watching me, thinking that I have grown weak.
But what if the water turns out to be muddy and the people I love simply leave?
What if my confessions are nothing but daydreams that I could not trap in my sleep?
I know there are those who are queueing up to see me fall in the wrong direction.
If they hear my heartbeat picking up the pace, they will gossip about me selling affection.
Still, my breaths are running out of misdirected anger to convert into selfish fear,
And every year I learn more about how happy people do not hold judgements dear.
So, what if I spill the sentences until they form a new version of these old bones?
What if I run off this cliff and dive into the water just to find out that I am never alone?
-Jackie
Some ten years ago I wrote this poem about my own demise,
And the streets were only black and white –
No gray and no compromise.
Nobody ever read it because I did not want them to know.
I just let the sadness take the wheel
As I sat back in the last row.
No, that is not true, I was really pushed down on my bare knees,
Praying that someone could hear me
And burn my apologies.
Nobody ever knew it because I hid under my luminous titles.
Achievements can be the carrot,
But they can also be the monster behind us.
Now I sit here a decade later with an army of me in the corner,
Sharpening blades and nurturing love,
And crossing all the borders.
Nobody ever dares to tell me that my words hold no meaning.
Some want me to fear the looks they throw
But I am done with bleeding.
Still, I think about the poem and how I thought I knew the end.
Now I would rather be the bad actor
Than make someone else’s amends.
Some might find it cruel, some might find it very characteristic,
But no matter what they call it,
I deserve to be here even when I risk it.
-Jackie
The people I meet on the loneliest nights
Tell me I don’t have any feelings
But they might.
I’m not sure what they see in my dead eyes,
And I don’t even ask,
I don’t apologize.
They can confess love as much as they please,
Cover me with white roses
Or get on their knees.
I hurt every time they try to convince me
That my wrists have a pulse
Because I know who killed me.
But they don’t listen, they just keep talking,
And I feel lonely again
When they are gawking.
The people I meet have skin in the game.
They assign me a purpose
Like I’m a beast to be tamed.
I’m not sure why they chase my presence,
And I don’t even ask,
I just take the presents.
-Jackie
They point fingers, they shake heads,
They make boots for me from lead,
And I bow down to the floor,
Begging them to curse some more.
Their heels dig into my bare shins,
And they’re convinced I’m made of tin.
I break my lashes into pieces
As they spill my wine and reasons.
They know how to make me tick
Even when I’m burned and sick.
I wish they had some sharper blades.
My truth spews flames from greyish shade.
They turn my stomach inside out,
Kiss my goodbyes on the mouth.
I hope one day I lose all ink
Or break the part that makes me think.
-Jackie
I stare at the calendar, knowing that the day is near.
The sadness on the inside will outweigh the fear,
And the coat of yellow paint I put on my exterior
Will succumb to a darkness far superior.
I tick with the clock, counting down only zeros.
The cracks in my skin do not make me a hero.
I worry that the sadness inside will bleed through
And paint your roaring suffering pale and untrue.
But time tries to befriend me, and I just let it.
We all pay off our dues in scars or in debit.
My worst mistakes precede me like an omen
Until all of my bad days get interwoven.
-Jackie
I think of you between the early morning coffee sips
As I watch the time slipping between us like dirty silk.
I ask for forgiveness, so your shoulders shoo the chips.
Maybe it is too late to mourn all the spilled milk.
The ghouls I left behind me in the streets of my town,
They still clown around and peek through dusty windows.
I hear them cursing the ground I walk while they drown,
Saying women like me only go where the wind blows.
Still, each sentence you say holds me down like an anchor.
Rose colored things wash me out, but you never do.
I wish on you like a star with my selfishness and anger,
And I hope that you see me among all of the blue.
My sanity escapes me when you pull away once more,
But each time I know you will come back tomorrow.
I have never chased the loneliness of being adored,
Yet, even your sharpest words drown out all my sorrow.
-Jackie
The Daily Writing of Jackie Wright 