Tag: growing up

Lighting Flashes

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Steeper by the second, it’s growing steeper.

You’re in pain just to be your brother’s keeper.

Sandcastles built on concrete, I cannot oppose –

You build unstable structures

Always ready to explode,

Always crowded with ghosts.

It’s faster each moment, it’s getting out of hand.

Can you build steady hope out of grains of sand?

The hill has no mercy, we’re both so alike.

I have nothing to say

But they’re attaching the mic.

Lower with time, my spirit is being lowered.

The third pit of hell refused to be overpowered.

My left eye is seeking God, it can’t be right.

Before the lighting flashes

I’m thrown back into the night.

-JW

Blood Is (Not) Thicker

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As cold as these memories are, I’ll try torching them nonetheless.

The rose tattoo on my shoulder is freezing, the shakes are becoming effortless.

The marrow in the bones is long gone, my hunger doesn’t stand a chance.

And I’m sorry that I’m so damn spoiled – I tried to warn you in advance.

I see troops marching with the machines, gathering their accolades.

My tongue – twisting in an endless loop, seeking words to dull the blades.

It is never easy to lose the one you looked for to a petty act of vengeance.

Why in our twenties we’re acting like we owe respect to ancestors

And also – descendants?

It’s good to have pride but how much honor can each generation carry?

Every step hurts the parents, every misstep – kids; cheeks burning redder than sweetest cherries.

As scary as it is to leave the past behind and future ahead, I will take my chances.

Surviving from second to second, trusting my mind, not my blood-addicted senses.

-JW

Drunk on My Silence

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I used to get drunk on feeling blue about your love,

I used to get hyped when the push came to shove.

My palms sweating at your arrogance, heating up,

But I kind of enjoyed being there, being stuck.

The empathy I carried was too heavy for your shoulders.

The hate you poured weighed me down like a boulder.

I said: “You don’t have to agree but please listen.”

You snapped. “I hope your kind dies out of this system.”

The anger blinded my focus so I span out of control.

Tired of the middle ground, done with trying to cajole.

I used to get drunk on my silence to keep it nonviolent,

But I’m done thinking you can cut me open,

I’m done staying silent.

My voice has never been riant –

My blood is too defiant.

Try me. Try and challenge this bitter story

But you won’t make it taste more compliant.

-JW

Candy

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…Yet it becomes so apparent – when you meet the ones you’re so supposed to be with,

the ones you were looking for all along,

the ones you sought since the day you first felt cold…

And they will not think it over.

They will sit still through the storms.

But isn’t it funny…

The evident is always a little hidden in the truth.

During the best of times so many will put up a fight trying to convince you – they’re the ones you’ve lost.

Yet – you’ve known for too long to chase these fake tales of greedy love.

Because the ones you’re seeking don’t leave when it’s messy. They know you’re messy.

Once you find them

it is always just so apparent.

…

-JW

Polygraph

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Stay. The polygraph is not painting the picture right.

I want to be in your arms. I’m not afraid of the height.

Crashing towards the asphalt, falling.

Hoping to see you down there. It’s appalling.

The fear is tearing a hole in my being but it’s deceiving.

I can’t leave you alone this evening.

Do you see through me that clearly? Is it a vision?

I’ve taken a feeling and made it into a prison.

The aluminum breathes on my limp body when I’m frightened.

Yet – whenever you call, this cage feels a million pounds lighter.

Stay. The charts are inaccurate. My chained heart made them.

Now it’s free to go, and I’m not asking for it to pay rent.

-JW

Lost and found

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Why don’t you want to sit with me?

These smog-covered streets are fading

And I need someone to take a sip with me.

The grey of the sky melts into the smoke filled ground.

There’s still no one on my side.

Should I hand over my heart to the lost and found?

Ash is strangling me as time drips into the hourglass.

Not a person in sight, nobody’s showing up…

Is this a benchmark I need to pass?

Do I have to?

***

I was falling apart for the longest time back then, completely alone in the crisp air.

People came around but no matter how hard I pushed, they sat next to me and brushed my hair.

They never stood up or even moved

Through my absurd jokes and frightening moods.

I never took it as a promise. Nothing is granted.

But for that moment in time I didn’t feel stranded.

***

Now it’s back to the start. How can I be so sure?

What if I see them again

And the memories are just a blur?

The grayest of trees cover my cheeks discreetly.

Why don’t you want to sit with me?

Did you ever really meet me?

-JW

Not My Father’s Daughter

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The spoiled poor kid strikes again, self-sabotaging everything pure.

“The pit is filled with snakes, my dear, don’t you try to act mature.”

Slouching through the system without a clear purpose, not really searching –

Hanging by a threat on the moonlit streets, one leg down, helplessly lurching.

Seven hundred steps to safety. The battery died a few thousands ago, no buzzing.

He left all the debt to the children, all the riches to the second cousin.

No one left to care, no one left to drag his cold body out the ditch this time around.

Or is it a grave? Excuse my forgetfulness, the third time this happened I lost the count.

“Love,” he says, “these cities are filled with thieves and morons, be safe.”

When I almost killed myself chasing you, I realized there’s nothing left to save

In this burning building that you buried me under when leaving. I was sleeping.

Haven’t got a good night’s sleep since then, I always sense the gas seeping

Through the vents and floors, and everything you touched in my life passing by…

It’s been five years since we talked. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

I’ve had five years to rebuild everything, but let me tell you this, and I won’t repeat:

I am so glad you were not by my side.

Had to teach myself how to breathe. How to eat.

And I had to learn how to grow up so quickly,

And I realized it takes so little to love people

When all you wanted to teach was how to kill everyone who cared, and do it slickly. Swiftly.

Oh, father, you poor spoiled kid.

Greed is what made you live off-the-grid,

Pride is what pushed you to make the bid.

Don’t blame the cities or systems for what you did.

If you want to sell souls, let the next be yours for a quarter of quid.

-JW

Pyromaniac In My Chest

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No one warned me before I jumped head first into the deep end

That dying inside for one chance to get free is a pretty high value to spend.

But I did it to escape, one way or another, from the bullies in my skull,

From the pyromaniac in my chest, from the pills that make me dull.

I flew off the roofs of reason and dropped faster than a rock towards the unknown.

Who knew that having it all meant being deprived of everything, except the throne?

Looking back I can now admit that being insensitive has its benefits.

Ice so cold in my eyes, there’s nothing reflecting, no hope, just blitz.

Violence comes easy when you don’t feel in debt of compassion anymore –

Baby, are you ready to quit or do you want to take a hit once more?

-JW

120 per minute

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Hope you’re good without me pulling your chest closer

Or making hair stand on your neck when I call you a poser.

It’s been a day since I’ve made you laugh so lightly.

I wish I could forget how I called you mine, nightly.

The thought makes me cold but what makes me shiver

Is how you sold me down the river

In less than a heartbeat.

My heartbeat. That’s 120 per minute and counting –

Should I chase you? That I’m still doubting.

After you had it in you to bleed me dry in a low place.

After for one brief second I didn’t give you the praise

You turned your back like I was never yours to play with.

What a fucking story! Or am I lacking the wit

To understand how it feels to betray someone who clenches your waist

During the best of mornings, worst of nights – until it all goes to waste.

I’ve been waiting for your mercy differently lately

But my arms are heavy and lips move sedately.

It’s hard to explain how much I need to hold you, despise my instincts

Yelling it’s more than you’ll ever need me – but in that instance

Is there anything left to lose for this selfish brain of mine?

I’m letting you destroy my concrete barriers like dynamite.

It’s just that kind of night.

-JW

The Town We Once Walked

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They’re building a casino on the corner we first met.

What a cliché – greed replacing our spot for watching the sun set.

The shop where I bought you socks is closing down,

Maybe it’s too late to ask whether you frown

Before putting them on and going your separate way in our streets –

The town we once walked together is changing, no longer fitting our needs.

The café I told you the truth burned down a week ago, last Tuesday,

And without it the square resembles the doomsday

But only a tiny bit. The rest is plastic and still looks fine.

I’d assume you could still find a nice place there to take her and dine.

Ah, the reality bites harshly, yet the imagination tortures my pride –

What the hell happened? Why did I run? Why did you hide?

It’s not fair of me to put our past ahead of the future you’re planning.

However, I can’t rest in peace with all the verities you’re banning

From your new found realities. These past years have done enough damage –

Of course, would be ironic if we for once decided to salvage

Something that’s sacred and close. Can we even manage?

Loving you still is such a disadvantage.

Ravage. Baggage.

Nothing good ever comes out of two vanished souls trying to escape, to banish

Until we tarnish

When all we really needed was a bandage.

-JW