Tag: depression

Rebel City

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Elina Krima from Pexels

Most days I don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation.

Sitting and listening to the dialogues or tributes, waiting for my station.

Just as yesterday, this day reaches its finale but I struggle to sleep.

The conversations repeat while engraving the words way too deep.

I’ve spoken up a few times but it hasn’t been what I was promised.

The mic was carried away by somebody they call Thomas.

My nerve ends disconnect from shame I felt in that very moment.

These streets worked hard to teach me that doubt is a bad omen.

The city is well-planned and thought out with its harsh borders,

A labyrinth you’re not escaping without queen’s direct orders.

But the queen is dead, you’ve forgotten, just as you did last night.

The cavalry’s lead by rebels, but not what you’re thinking, not your kind.

Every thought you have bows to them until it falls straight to damnation

So I keep listening to the dialogues or tributes,

waiting for the final destination.

-JW

Sick Leave

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Rafael Serafim from Pexels

Killing my every spare moment with buzz and with noise.

Made it thus far without booze spilling on my records of choice.

Ears bleeding from sound attacking my senses like thirsty wolves

But I’ve only made it this far through thoughts that dissolve.

Spreading my hopes on bread without guilt to eat them all up.

My last week’s happy face on the streets was a cover up

And my covers are tinted with deep blue undertones, if you noticed.

When death and I finally waltz, I might even get a bonus.

They call my eyes playful but painfully so, if that’s a hint.

The chaos behind those greyish stones could use a lighter tint.

A true artist never unveils tricks or techniques but I oppose –

When graveyard goes for the flash button, I strike a pose.

With each coming second the buzz will become a craftier thieve.

You’ll ignore these lines while I apply for another sick leave.

-JW

Tasteless Migraines

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Dark Indigo from Pexels

Another change of pace is coming – my skin shatters, my shirt rips.

I don’t believe a single word you spread through your pale gospel lips.

No liveliness in that bright stare, no faith behind those blurry brows.

The black hair darkens as I leave but you keep shouting ifs and hows.

“A temptress” was what you once called me – while you ran with dirty crowds.

Your mouth reeks of tasteless migraines punching holes while masses bow.

As you convince me to go steady, I’m convicted for your crimes.

Another change of pace is ready – I go low as you count dimes.

The sunrise plays its part in north but I’m too tired to leave stars.

An arm pulls off the coats and armor, no love left for pre-lost wars.

-JW

Francis Scott

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by 3Motional Studio from Pexels

And to people who fell for the illusion of me doing well which I created –

I believed it too, but my mind stood in the cold and stayed berated.

Put one finger into the dark molasses, hit one more nail into the coffin.

Built a crematory of burnt bridges and needles dropping.

Yet – my gullible soul waited for the pain to soften.

I believe that everyone deserves a re-do but I wanted to have two

And maybe that’s too much to ask from my younger self, she’s still missing clues.

Once they reveal what’s hidden, she’ll learn not to overpay her dues.

In the distance I yet again see a sign blinking “What’s the use?!”

When I turn the other cheek, they steal my insecurities to turn me into a muse.

I know how to cause a fight but I’m yet to learn how to make it easy for me.

They once called me Francis Scott – all focused on the glitz, not on the story.

And I’ll keep covering my tortured being with saying “sorry”

When I don’t owe a single apology to people who came before me.

So fall for the mirage, don’t hesitate to bathe in pain’s glory.

-JW

Almost Freezing

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Aidan Roof from Pexels

Killing my mind every evening, holding it back from the green light.

The current hits it with pleading but I won’t budge or put up a fight.

My fists are by my side if I ever need a savior for my tongue’s messes.

While everyone’s running in circles, the generals are launching stresses.

It’s too risky to reach my arm out for that green flame in these times.

But what if I don’t and it’s over, there’s no substance in between these lines?

Ah! The sweat dripping down my back are almost freezing as I plan the escape.

Three years later I’ll either be dead or in a desperate need of the brakes.

Give me a break. Put a pause on this and rewind in a more peaceful decade.

Decadence is slipping through their fists but the damages are prepaid.

So I keep on slaughtering my brain at every crooked turn, at every twist.

To cut these demons out of my dysmorphic body I might need an oculist.

-JW

Covering The Petals

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo from Pixabay

Running for your life is not good enough, go faster, over the speed limit.

Ruining everything sacred in this looped fantasy of yours taught me to skim it

But never showed me how to sit through a storm with my blinders shut.

Your neck twisting around mine, pulling away, and we’re stuck in this rut.

“Life has no meaning,” they say, “if you waste it trusting your own guts and bones.”

“It has no meaning,” they repeat, “if you share love through cables and telephones.”

But it’s not easy to follow someone playing god with menacing conviction.

It’s hard to walk down the road of not being able to tell apart fact from fiction.

I keep bleeding on the razor’s edge, fingers all cut up from pretending I’m fine.

I leap forward and rock back, knowing too well that they’re approaching from behind.

But the mountains echo my pleas for safe escape and I see dew covering the petals.

The melody goes silent as I escape this dead-end of dead eyed people

Giving souls out as rentals.

-JW

Speaking in Tongues

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Simon Matzinger from Pexels

Don’t waste my time, I know how to do it on my own.

The tears dry by turning to ice while they call me Joan.

I might be a heroine but not yet a saint, don’t lean on this loan.

Sky stinks of pastels and my soul evaporates into acetone.

Birds outside of my window are shooting for the pale moon.

Hours passing by, promising that I can leave this place soon.

The destiny is dragging out my breaths to the ancient runes.

I don’t mind theatrics but this murder feels like a honeymoon.

The further down the road, the more absurd it all becomes.

So much time to spend, yet we have to follow the beat of the drums?

Let me scream into the world’s pillow while everyone hums.

So much time to waste, so many lively lungs but it seems –

No one is noticing the swords and the guns.

Am I speaking in tongues?

-JW

Tightly Sealed Freedom

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by abtin mohebifar from Pexels

The three musketeers of the end of all things are coming to our town.

The fake sun is trembling and neon is shining through a worn-out frown.

Apathetic noon showers my neck with kisses it doesn’t really mean

And I can’t remember how I lost my lustful self and turned into a fiend.

The target on my back is turning redder each day, getting lighter by minute.

Once it gets as big as the Ritz, you’ll see how Fitzgerald is going to spin it.

I embrace the last days of this tightly sealed freedom with the force of a madman.

Not packing much for the departure as you can never be ready for badlands.

Scoria and erosion reaching for my pound of flesh, is resisting even an option?

I’m dreaming about running but doom might be the answer for this corruption.

“No, don’t listen,” I hear someone whimpering right beneath my bleeding helix.

The three musketeers are approaching in distance and I sigh.

“Let’s give this place another shot but not lend it any credence.”

-JW

Cain

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by BERK OZDEMIR from Pexels

Being at ease is not easy when the mind is buzzing louder than the latest news.

It’s like living with a python, fearing constriction, then you find a bite and a bruise.

Has it been venomous all along? Was I running the wrong way for years?

Should I just feed it with the last of my pride and some one night volunteers?

No matter how much I nourish the beast, it comes back hungrier; I get paranoid.

Why is it making me go bankrupt, does it not know – nothing will fill the void?

Truth be told – nothing fills me up either so maybe she’s a worthy enemy after all?

God was reciting Corinthians but I was fortunate enough to miss that disrupted call.

Yes, you could say I’m lacking faith, playing with fiery positions keeps me at bay –

But don’t you be offended, at the end of the day I order this chaos and I pay.

And please avoid being gracious about my struggles to pay a rent for this brain…

With the corner of my eye I see shop windows reflecting the shadows of Cain.

-JW

Another Disaster in Time

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Matt Hardy from Pexels

I’ve been thinking a lot about loyalty lately and coming to terms with the fact

That the one bullet I cannot escape is being true to myself.

No, I’m not an act.

Many say I lack vision, others claim I come off as abrasive, lacking basic tact,

But who really hears their whispers when life and I, we signed this secret pact.

It was a summer day and my chest was burning – it was bursting lies, spitting pain:

I’m lying on the floor, counting voices, waiting for someone else to take the blame.

My hand reaches for the last sip of poisoned wine.

Someone pulls the emergency brakes on the train.

I sit up, wide-eyed in disbelief and I swear – someone muttered my name.

Knowing everything I’ve learned now I’d say it was my consciousness calling me home.

Yet – that feeling wasn’t present, it felt like my future has dialed the crisis phone.

It struck me that as long as I got myself in this fidgety world, I’m not completely unknown.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about loyalty lately and how without it you’re utterly alone.

An unmarked graveyard representing another disaster in time,

And, not to sound cynical, nothing’s blanker than a penniless crime.

So I’m pulling it all together, drawing a full circle – not betting a dime.

I must win the loyalty back. Be it a silent prayer or a pantomime.

-JW