Tag: burnout

My Bastille

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I try hard to hold my past still

But it’s leaking putrid pastels.

Is there a point to hold on

To this forgotten echelon?

My legs keep being restless,

I can even taste the stress.

Is it my wishful thinking

Or can I sleep while blinking?

Or maybe we just pretend

That burning out is not a trend?

I try to tie the blasts in twill,

They try to forge my last will.

And I wonder – how come

I must always please the scum?

They never have to fix the stencil

If we agree to stand still.

But my feet keep running cold

While they trade our heat for gold.

So I spit out the foul pastil

And let my ego storm the Bastille.

-JW

Drying Out

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I squeeze my own purple knees until they’re completely dry,

Pull my hair out in clumps, shout but don’t apologize.

Some beg me to be honest, some overlook the sharpened edges

So they don’t have to talk me down from new ledges.

The tired ones point at me wearily but never in rightful anger.

We all have the fear of being greatly mishandled.

Perhaps if I just stop cutting my brain open for another display,

The voices will pack up and call it a day.

Perhaps if I just cut off my hair, I’ll find the strength to grow up

To stop begging hundreds of strangers, “Please show up.”

I tie and tangle these thoughts, I hide them under the sink.

Revisit only when there’s a fresh scar, salmon pink.

But I don’t let go of my own purple knees until I’m so dry

That a scream sounds like the perfect lullaby.

-JW

Misdeeds

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Photo by Johannes Plenio from Pexels

Walking away from something you’ve broken entirely is human nature.

Hiding your brutality and violence into the bruises of another creature –

That’s how the best of us become preachers.

I don’t believe it’s just.

I cannot step away from a disaster even when it’s not mine, even when I must.

My first instinct is always taking away the knife and the gun from the person I trust,

Then torturing myself with them as if nothing happened – until they turn away in disgust.

How do you walk away from a damaged soul? How do you let it bleed?

I’ve slept on the cold, hard floor in order for you all to get some sleep.

Never been able to turn my back. I will take over the pain and lead.

I will finally accede to the fact that I’ve taken it too far when my knees become weak,

Yet you can stand up again, and that fulfills my greed.

Is this a virtue or another misdeed?

-JW

To Stop The Duel

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How did it go from me never settling for anything less

To me being the angriest person you’d meet on a workday

Because of the stress?

How did my pain become a part of someone’s reality

When the only truth I sought was the ability to stop ignoring my alarm

Because of my fragility?

How did my nightmares about failing

Involve into daydreams of bailing

On the life I know – like I didn’t build it, at all,

As if I was someone’s undeserving thrall.

I know it takes two to tango but why can’t I stop the duel

When my feet are on fire, yet numb,

But they keep adding the fuel?

I know it’s my desperation speaking when I have no time to eat

As they munch away on my future and money

But try to keep it discrete.

I know I should’ve pushed harder,

Knowing this tale is a two-parter

And I didn’t have anything to lose back then.

But it still felt like hell when the clock struck ten.

How do we pretend and keep avoiding the questioning?

It is much easier, of course, to ignore the reckoning,

But is it promising?

Have we become the jurors and prisons for our own sentencing?

The background noises are quickening, they might become deafening.

Call me when the standards are settling.

-JW

Routine Riptide

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Photo from Pixabay

Isn’t it romantic – how we verve by a shattered screen for long hours

While the Insanity Watch serves us the career that isn’t really ours.

It sounds like a plan – while you lay low, the profits go high,

And the greyer you become, the bigger is the imaginary apple pie.

The story is not about ambition, it’s about what you expect in return –

‘Cause they will settle for nothing less than depression and a sudden heartburn.

“Don’t take yourself so seriously. Smile. But not that wide, be decent.”

Why don’t you want to see me grin? This facial pose is pretty recent

For me, at least. I also never rolled my eyes before I started in this position

Because it takes the 360 degree view to take in all the disposition. Plus, the factual fiction.

This can’t be real, right? Am I really asking or am I making a deal with the devil?

At the end of the day, it’s about the heads you sever

While dealing with the pressure level.

Yet – I’m not good at it. I often revel.

Rebel.

***

My bloody nose is treacherously tickling, blood is trickling.

The sunrises smell coppery. Evenings – soaked in bleach, whittling

And turning the last white blood cells into goo. Have I lost it completely?

Is it supposed to be resembling dying, or is this really death, masked discreetly?

I would prefer if you don’t answer. The silence is much better than your breath –

The moments when your rotten mouth is speaking,

I’ve always viewed with so much disrespect.

All I look forward to is the next taxi to take me away to a place around the corner.

A place nearby where the tentacles can’t reach. Where I have built a border.

The dim prediction that I’ll break in the process lingers, right above my shoulders.

But if I once built palaces for people that I hate… Then for myself

I will be shifting boulders.

-JW

The Endless Cycle of “Not Enough”

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Photo by Lucas Ettore Chiereguini

Being patient through most days while you abuse the peace tenderly

By dancing on my nerve ends as I sink into the lethargy.

I often wonder – can I go any deeper than this, can I go beyond?

Is living just a prolonged torture as we wait to go back where

We once belonged?

Most mornings sound static to my ears, it’s not music at all –

The noise is so maddening I run through the streets while the others stall.

I think about whether they even sense the chilling breath on their necks

As they navigate filthy boulevards filled with human made bottlenecks.

What a wreck.

When the afternoon sneaks upon me reminding of far better times,

The emptiness in my belly has grown so strong, ready to paralyze. To bury lies.

No matter how hard I’m trying to outlive the benumbing gallows inside,

It seems clear that the judgment will fall over me as they say my appeals

All have been denied.

Nothing taste quite as bitter as evenings. The silence swaddles my hair.

All I want is to be left alone…yet I also want an affair. Is this fair?

My thoughts run through foggy meadows, they stop at the no man’s land.

Some evenings they come back home. But some – they sell cannons

As contraband.

Nights are not made of time as I struggle to keep myself on the clock.

Please, don’t get me wrong – nights are still a goddamn chopping block.

I never needed a time of day to get even darker, as if I wasn’t dusky enough,

As if I needed the starlit sky to remind me how the cycle repeats, as if I needed

Another reason for giving up.

Can I just rebuff?

Please, let me out. It’s been enough.

-JW