Category: Jackie’s diaries

Be Careful

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My scalp gets mixed with the greyest gravel.

They laugh and watch as my spine unravels.

I am forbidden from screaming out loud,

But my chest growls louder than a furious crowd.

The tension is high, and I let it simmer.

They cannot drown an innocent sinner.

So, I bow my head, let it touch the sharp rocks,

As they double check every single lock.

No, there is no way out, do not even bother.

Welcome to war, my rotten sisters and brothers.

This is where it all starts, in my bloody palms.

“Be careful about who you keep on your knees,

Be careful about who you harm.”

-JW

Better On Paper

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I write about you as a ghost story from my past

Even when you are a part of my future.

I act nostalgic, hoping this will pass,

But nature can never beat nurture.

When I try to run away, the map changes,

The road spins underneath my feet.

My compass hides between sages,

It misdirects me toward defeat.

And I still write about you in past tenses,

I pretend it is my sentiment talking –

Even when I still wear your rosy lenses,

Even when you catch me sleepwalking.

Yet, I still sneak out every evening.

The tree line twists and blocks my way.

Despite my legs once again bleeding,

I reach for the sunset and scarlet red rays.

Anew I write like you never existed.

The words mourn my disoriented truth.

I wish I could run but my path is twisted,

I know it is always tied to you.

-JW

Note #623

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Your voice felt like ice water on my warm skin on a summer day.

As you were approaching me, they warned you –

But you still found a way.

Your words untangled my worries, they soothed the burns and aches.

I kept on wondering whether you made it in time

Or was it way too late.

Your scent wrapped around us like an ungodly string, indestructible…

Little did I know back then –

Even promises can turn cold and corruptible.

Your eyes gave me shelter but the winds were still way too biting.

My fingers held onto your cheeks for hours.

Still, you let them take me without fighting.

-JW

Note #261

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Once again, I am burning alive between two gospels and a lie.

Your eyes tell me adventures I wish I were naïve enough to try.

The heat engulfs my left lung when you ask if I am ready.

To spite my consciousness, I drop into the flames, hot and heady.

I heard they used to call you unsteady, what a loud falsity.

They probably confuse every fire with misunderstood honesty.

And my palms shiver as I reach out but the heat is shaking too –

Cannot help but wonder if you ever knew

How I incinerated for you.

-JW

Note #225

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The cold water never truly invigorates me.

I keep comparing everyone else to you.

After a month they get tired of my company.

But, baby, believe me – I do too.

Somehow it is always your opinion

That stays much closer to the truth.

I counted your mistakes and got to a million.

I still miss the way you played a brute.

But even though the hope is fading,

My head is still under the water, so frozen.

They said my lips were not for waiting,

They called my heart an endless ocean.

Somehow you knew it was a lie.

Still, you watched as my face turned blue.

The cold water never got me high.

But, baby, believe me – never did you.

-JW

Flashes

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I cannot help but wonder – what if I let myself fall?

What if I lost my pride and answered the call?

Not like it matters at all

When I am ten feet tall.

I am just wondering – what could have happened

If I never stalled?

Now I can only imagine our lives overlapping

Until they become a single figure.

Will the timeline keep snapping?

Will it break us in half, will my part be bigger?

I cannot help myself, the thrown away shots keep flashing…

Is it you behind the trigger?

Or is it my imagination begging for the thunder to stop crashing?

-JW

Ode To Rain

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Just watch as they paint us

In charcoal and jet.

The rain will not save us

From yesterday’s regrets.

And they will not stay here

As the fields overfloat,

As we drown in the dark fear

With water in our throats.

But let them look away,

Let them say we deserve this.

Today is the day

When we break the surface.

Sometimes pressure is a gun,

Unloaded yet dismal.

Just watch them all run

Away from the drizzle.

-JW

Under The Surface

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Wait for me as the sea retreats,

Watch as it slips back into its seat

And waves when I disappear.

My home’s deep under the surface,

Where only the water circles.

It strangles my circuits.

Do not turn off the light beneath.

The abyss needs to feed,

It is looking up at your feet.

Never trust the darkness below

As it lurks, wanting you to slow.

And wait for me as the sea retreats,

Breathe out once more,

Then follow me into the heat.

-JW

Paradise Unnoticed

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Do you think the moon will shatter my porcelain skin once you leave?

I am still undecided, unsure about which truth I should believe.

We both stick to our own guns only trusting what we can perceive.

Maybe the time is finally right to take a moment and breathe.

But all I know for now is that you are walking down my street.

The front door keeps my secret covered as the moonlight bleeds.

Not sure if you will pass me by or come and take what you need.

Do you think the moon will shatter my porcelain skin once you leave?

I keep looking for answers like a dog chasing autumn leaves.

Some stare in disbelief but I know they have long called us thieves.

Maybe the time is finally right to sit down and grieve

The love we lost between darkening sky, between crooked front teeth.

I look back and wonder how the paradise went unnoticed under our feet.

We danced around in lavender silk, forgetting reason and sleep.

The rest moved on, but we were kicked out right into the deep.

Do you think the moon will shatter my porcelain skin once you leave?

-JW

Note #210

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The pain only lasted for a moment or two.

I put myself together with stiches dipped in glue.

My palms grew selfish, my skin grew slicker,

I covered the scars in bright blue stickers.

And some wanted to soothe my brittle bones –

But I do not deal in misery, I suppose.

So, I burned all the gifts they graciously brought me,

Perished the lies they branded “true stories”.

The ache lived through me, it laid roots like a tree,

You wanted to drown my sorrows in the sea.

Yet, the beacon guided you away from the bay.

But do not worry,

The pain only lasted for a day.

-JW