Category: Jackie’s diaries

Leading Your Nightmares

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And I think you regret everything after all, don’t you, darling?

Who am I to guess your regrets after you came at me, snarling…

But the feeling was deeper than shame I exuded at the moment.

The warmth was taken aback the second true words were spoken.

I often dream about you having nightmares where I am the lead,

We’re talking loud, you’re being mean, yet – you can’t compete.

All your arguments crash against the surface of your shallow grave.

Who would’ve guessed? The most prideful of primates will go

Still lacking the skill to behave.

Don’t blame me – I didn’t have the time to dig you that ditch.

How many times in the past two years you called me a bitch?

Who can count? Certainly, not you, denial is the key to winning.

So today let’s cheers to the odds of you ever touching me again

Critically thinning.

-JW

Velvet

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A lot of undeserved luck comes out of this moment,

And I don’t nurture the fear, I choke the opponent.

I’m too aggressive, they say, a real big sounder,

But really, I might go mute if I go a little louder.

Out of Seattle the mountain lions are sound asleep.

In this short sleeve weather I’m singing to “Creep”.

The orange skyline spilling wet honey on my nose.

Being myself is still the most dangerous dose.

The boots sink into the dusty ground, creating smoke,

Contemplating this weird existence, sipping coke,

Riding the blackest ideas out, smoking them like velvet…

You know?

Once the blade falls down, I won’t wear a helmet.

-JW

Three Lights

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Staying safe in between the busy railroads,

Running trains brushing off painted antidotes.

The trees lean on my clavicle, cracking it in,

And feeling good seems to be the original sin.

Leaves shaking my ribcage with seven winds,

Heart chambers made out of empty cans and tins.

Roots graying out but I’m standing my ground.

Seeing the three lights approaching

Kicks my recklessness, so new-found.

-JW

Chanting At Picket Fences

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Today feels different from the rest, you and I both sense the pressure.

These thoughts have never strangled me, I barely grasp the rugged texture.

The newscasters are casting spells, the words – not making any sense.

We hold the ground through unfair rains, we hide it from the violence.

We heed the facts so frantically, we hail them for our innocence.

No empathy fired from the other side though,

Silence building like a picket fence.

I see you through the white and gold, the metal gates keep clanking back.

The less you hear the rawest truths, the more you highlight what we lack.

What is the answer to your prayers? What is your plan for standing down?!

Let’s hope our chants aren’t distracting, please don’t be bothered while some drown.

…But there’s no shame in being proud for doubting wrongly taken crowns.

Don’t smile when burning the dictionary pages

To turn the word “voice” strictly into a noun.

-JW

Farewells

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Nothing makes my days calmer than the absence of you.

And for some reason I didn’t have the power to let you go –

On my own, without someone pulling the trigger for me.

Only blank bullets rained on you so it didn’t hurt. Sorry.

But the taste of freedom is feeding my senses decadently.

I want to take in the moments as if they’re the last to see.

Maybe I’m mean but you burned me blue for your pleasure

So let me keep the memory of you leaving as a treasure.

-JW

Building A Lullaby

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The perfect balance does not exist on a faulty planet

And destiny keeps playing drums on polished granite.

The rhythm section is not coming along as planned.

It sometimes scares me – here we stand

Just to end up as few grains of sand.

I try to amplify the echoes but they all fall flat on the ground.

Plastic crates, even metal cages do not resonate the sound.

The lurking chords are getting wider with nowhere to go

So I talk in my sleep while it snows.

At least my nightmares have something to show.

-JW

Fire Exit

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Pulling the scabs resurfaced on my brain, burning and drowning them,

Pouring on alkaline but it’s missing, dripping down, making my ego numb.

Cutting the old battle scars open to look for some fruitless revelations

But it appears I’m fresh out of clues, and these scabs are my damnation.

Squeezing my neck tighter to stop the air from leaving my powerless bones.

It doesn’t seem to help. Voices are attacking like gargoyles, raising tone.

Deep down I know that waiting it out must do the trick but am I ready?

I’ve forgotten how to take the fire exit when the building doesn’t look steady.

-JW

Lonely Poetry Ritual

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Not missing you hurts more than holding onto your arm for dear life.

That was the part I least expected. Did you?

Did it cut like a hollow knife?

Don’t be fooled, I’m not looking for answers in lonely poetry rituals tonight.

I’m simply grasping the little ironies of how instead of leaving it all alone

I put up a fight.

The calm I feel now – wouldn’t sell if for 30 pieces of silver, I think Judas lied.

Or maybe he did it to embrace the peace afterwards,

And the offer of coins simply aligned?

But I’m not angry anymore – so it’s impossible to hang around the grief,

It’s even difficult to recall how rage fumed out of my nostrils

Hence I’m asking you to keep the goodbyes brief.

Not missing you is like taking a shower and rediscovering my own skin underneath –

Again, after all the slaps and bruising, and dragging my name through the mud

I’m finally smiling with my teeth.

Your time is up, old friend, please take the last empty seat.

-JW

Cain

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Being at ease is not easy when the mind is buzzing louder than the latest news.

It’s like living with a python, fearing constriction, then you find a bite and a bruise.

Has it been venomous all along? Was I running the wrong way for years?

Should I just feed it with the last of my pride and some one night volunteers?

No matter how much I nourish the beast, it comes back hungrier; I get paranoid.

Why is it making me go bankrupt, does it not know – nothing will fill the void?

Truth be told – nothing fills me up either so maybe she’s a worthy enemy after all?

God was reciting Corinthians but I was fortunate enough to miss that disrupted call.

Yes, you could say I’m lacking faith, playing with fiery positions keeps me at bay –

But don’t you be offended, at the end of the day I order this chaos and I pay.

And please avoid being gracious about my struggles to pay a rent for this brain…

With the corner of my eye I see shop windows reflecting the shadows of Cain.

-JW

Doubting // To Another Day

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This story is only partly true so you will have to imagine the rest.

The re-teller never existed. To you she might seem real…

Or was it all a test?

No, no, I’m quite sure that the narrative is truer than the actual story

And the voice sounds realistic but also too arrogant.

(Has she ever muttered “sorry”?)

To anyone reading this – please don’t jump to conclusions harshly.

If you say that I’m to blame, I will accept it.

At least, partly.

So enjoy the show and take the orchestra home if you can’t sit through.

Because the drums and the violins might hit some chords

Resonating with you,

Too.

***

My head has been bed bound for a decade and counting.

Nothing grows in a ceaseless fire,

It’s a storm of blips. It’s a form of drowning.

The clouds move unsurely through the stickiest nectar.

I imagine this is what death feels like

Because anxiety is my faithful specter.

My limbs are tranquil while the chest goes full Urie

And the focus is stolen from me,

The emptiness is filled with fury.

What about the jury?

Are they still out and about, ignoring the verdict they are going to serve me?

I look around. “In the time of need did they all desert me?”

Helplessness locks my senses, the room turns black. I bow to the unimaginable.

Not the first time someone called my pain unfashionable,

Even easily eradicable.

Yes, my head has been bed bound for a decade and counting.

And yes, I can take another day of drowning.

I can take another head recounting.

But please take away all the shouting.

You’re not understanding what you are doubting –

And I’m simply looking for mounting,

For someone who doesn’t suffocate by shrouding.

-JW