No Pressure

Photo by Alan Cabello from Pexels

I must be missing the substance of all your allegories.

The sentences peel my skin with disgust when they say:

“You’re a lady, you should have some better worries.”

“Are you dating and are you planning a kid, tell me!”

They need to hear my convenient answers.

But everything I want is for my mind to be handled safely.

Crawled out of the hold of anxiety, beat the monster in the mirror,

For a year and a half I’ve been able to breathe without pain

But the pressure is quietly kicking in, it’s a silent killer.

Why can’t I simply be undecided and live one day at the time?

Why can’t I have the choice and the cash,

why can’t it all be mine?

Why is my every step analyzed as if it’s colored in lime?

-JW

Not My Father’s Daughter

Photo by Dark Indigo from Pexels

The spoiled poor kid strikes again, self-sabotaging everything pure.

“The pit is filled with snakes, my dear, don’t you try to act mature.”

Slouching through the system without a clear purpose, not really searching –

Hanging by a threat on the moonlit streets, one leg down, helplessly lurching.

Seven hundred steps to safety. The battery died a few thousands ago, no buzzing.

He left all the debt to the children, all the riches to the second cousin.

No one left to care, no one left to drag his cold body out the ditch this time around.

Or is it a grave? Excuse my forgetfulness, the third time this happened I lost the count.

“Love,” he says, “these cities are filled with thieves and morons, be safe.”

When I almost killed myself chasing you, I realized there’s nothing left to save

In this burning building that you buried me under when leaving. I was sleeping.

Haven’t got a good night’s sleep since then, I always sense the gas seeping

Through the vents and floors, and everything you touched in my life passing by…

It’s been five years since we talked. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

I’ve had five years to rebuild everything, but let me tell you this, and I won’t repeat:

I am so glad you were not by my side.

Had to teach myself how to breathe. How to eat.

And I had to learn how to grow up so quickly,

And I realized it takes so little to love people

When all you wanted to teach was how to kill everyone who cared, and do it slickly. Swiftly.

Oh, father, you poor spoiled kid.

Greed is what made you live off-the-grid,

Pride is what pushed you to make the bid.

Don’t blame the cities or systems for what you did.

If you want to sell souls, let the next be yours for a quarter of quid.

-JW

Shades of Blue

Photo by Burak K

Lately I haven’t been mentioning you that often

Or how one darn smile could make all the tension soften.

I haven’t been sharing our jokes — and that’s good, I suppose.

Your laughter’s translucent. I feel like I loved a ghost.

These days I barely remember the uneasy feeling,

The heaviness, crumbling pain, white wine on the ceiling.

Dragged my knees through the streets, painted them shades of blue,

But now the pink glass has shattered — and my worst instincts, too.

Often I see you reaching for solace through my front doors

But I’m no longer a kid and that makes you insecure

About what it is you did to make me despise your guts.

I would tell but I’ve got no interest to save you from ruts.

Way back you filled my thoughts to the point of aspersion.

I didn’t recognize myself, that was a different version,

A rip-off of me and everything that I stand for.

But, sure, you can privately call it ‘flirt to strengthen the rapport’.

Lately I haven’t been talking about you daily

Or how you abused me and then made the lines seem hazy.

I don’t have time for your acts — and that’s great, I’m proud.

My laughter’s all rapturous. Backbone remains unbowed.

Evolve // Deep blue forest

Pitiful words have made me so utterly manic

Should I lay there or should I f*cking panic?

Closed eyes sunken through the half lies,

You swallow destiny and the pale highs

With your poor disguise.

You’re fake as well but it’s not a concern

It’s rather a turn,

A twist to your ego so friggin centric,

Don’t ever try to call ME selfish.

Please burn me at midnight, in a meadow of the deep blue forest

with the rest of my witch coven, the ones that ain’t modest.

If you don’t mind, my scent will stay there to hover

Between the dark trees like a long lost lover.

We don’t take cover. We won’t sink lower.

The smoke will show a way to our blackest abyss,

Not all who wander are lost, yet ignorance is bliss

And the straightest way to hell is paved with the best intent.

Honey, just hold me tight while the flames take away my pretend.