Tag: letters to past

New Chapter

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Paul Kerby Genil from Pexels

Blood on my trembling fingers from yesterday’s out of control rendezvous.

I don’t think I’m ready to ask questions with answers dipped in your blues.

It’s true, wanting everything from my past to be torn apart isn’t a solution

But I’ve waited too long for a happy ending, not another mediocre conclusion.

“I love you so much it pains me,” I say, looking at a gold framed mirror.

Bought this one myself in a vintage shop made for people-shaped errors.

Painted my walls white and took the hoarded neon to another graveyard –

I spilled my paint going there, then accidentally became the vanguard

Of some new, braver movement… Sorry, I can’t really recall their name.

They told me tales about the fame monster but I won’t listen to reason

When it comes to my shame.

So there’s still blood on my hands and I should admit – it’s probably mine.

Cutting your heart open becomes a hobby if you start practising when you’re nine.

Bleeding yourself dry daily for other’s mistakes feels OK, you’ve gotten better.

But I’m still unable to remember a time where I looked at myself

And didn’t feel dry or bitter.

May this mirror I’ve bought myself serve as a reminder of how I’m here, breathing,

And if I happen to bleed for my own life again, that’s because I’m leaning on myself,

The one person honest enough to drop her habit of being deceiving,

Instead of running for the hills, walking the walk through the delayed grieving.

May this mirror be the first thing to remind myself I am not perfect at it,

But I am healing.

-JW

When I Was Younger

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger from Pexels

And I look at my layered cotton candy sky every evening

Blaming my father for distorted love that keeps bleeding.

I’m doing alright, more than I was promised where I grew up

In the town where no one’s allowed to stand up

For themselves or for anything somewhat decent…

I can’t shake the spite because it feels so recent,

Because their cotton candy sky’s inherited and not really earned.

Where I come from, each cry for love remains spurned.

The hate is a currency there – but so is the hidden insecurities.

Dirty beings blowing mud on the clouds, judging all purities.

And I look at my pink sky because I clawed my way up here,

Away… but the town behind refuses to fade out and disappear.

I know that my head on a stick will not suffice their hunger.

Wish I had known when I was still hopeful, when I was younger.

-JW

Hometown Blues

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Matheus Natan from Pexels

Eyes wide open, staring into the one hundred little defeats they’re selling.

Their children – infected with prejudices, it’s the only sound they’re spilling.

Broken childhoods sold on every street corner, spreading faster than rabies.

Their boys never learnt that girls don’t have to grow into convenient ladies.

Hair locks daintily combed back to avoid any confusion or unspoken rumor.

In towns like this word spreads through gazes and bites harder than a tumor.

If you think I’m too harsh, go ahead and cut those looks out of me, I dare you.

But let’s be blunt – you can’t imagine the suffocation if you weren’t there too.

All seven heavens could open for me but I’d still look back, scared to be followed.

Don’t beg me to sing those hometown blues again

If you’re not prepared to be swallowed.

-JW

Writer’s Battle Cry

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Archie Binamira from Pexels

I cannot fall asleep before I’ve created another one of these part-time sentence sketches.

The grey clouds are forming a cradle but I refuse to enter. Too far from static and background retches.

Some acidic light spills on my spine, it makes me live through it all again, pulsating,

But it barely rings a bell anymore. I tied a rock to this wraith and sunk it by tirelessly creating.

I cannot sleep before I know that I’ve saved another day by being drained, not going down the drain,

And if you asked five years ago, I would’ve declared this sanctuary insane,

Maybe changed my name to Jane.

So here I stand, alone in the dust bowl of traumas that made me, of black bat licorice spat in my direction,

Cascading through shallow storms, calming my insomniac mind with bad rhymes, trusting your discretion.

-JW

Why You Don’t Love Me

jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment
Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels

I’m not the most sincere, yet I’m clearly the most honest.

When it comes to my sharp tongue, it won’t keep a sweet promise.

I’m a good liar, and everyone hates people like that –

“Come on, at least pretend you suck, pretend you’re wearing the joker’s hat.”

I don’t trust people who can hurt me, but they do trust me.

It’s a curse. Yet – you’re trying to push me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I will never let a person so close they can compromise my existence,

And you hate it the most – as we’re always going to have some distance

Between us, something like a lump you cannot swallow or spit out,

Of things that I shouldn’t speak, but for some reason – you can’t live without…

Knowing. Why do you have to know?

Why do you have to learn my meaning

As if I was a faulty definition in the dictionary and not a single editor

Got the time for re-reading.

But that’s not all. I speak up when I’m hurt, and I speak up for others, too.

I put myself in the harm’s way for people I barely know

Because that is what people who can take some hits do.

You hate that I can make friends because I’m not divisive,

My tone might be ironic but it’s not derisive.

I’m silly and I’m foolish, and I can take a fucking joke.

I can laugh about the fact that I’m overloaded, yet still this broke.

Until you can’t love me, I’m fine. This list is alive.

I’ve got some morals, standards and I will revive.

You not caring is the reason I survive.

-JW