Tag: healing

He Who Cursed Me

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Photo by Onur Can Elma

What do I suffer over now that the curse has lifted?
Who do I call when I’m no longer broken and bitter?
I walked two years with my eyes down, barely open,
Waiting to break a leg, begging to waste a moment.

My pleas did not make it to heaven, but neither did my gods,
And I erased myself from every good battle I fought.
The times have shifted into moments I hold so close.
I can barely unclench my fist from the stem of the rose.

And to you, staring my black rags up and down,
Just know that I broke the curse when my spark drowned,
And I built a new one from charcoal and sandpaper,
While Time prayed for me, hoping I would meet my maker.

With no one to call and no soul left to regret,
I am blurring the face of everyone I have met.
Yet the colors slide back into place, the sharpness persists;
The birds chirp, the sun rises, the mist lifts.

Is this only for a day, or can I trust the green light?
If Warmth starves me again, I will not pick a new fight.
The curse will find me again, but so will the cure.
There is no pleasure in keeping your worst intentions pure.

He who cursed me does not get a seat at the dinner table,
As I emerge from the hearse, twelve gravely months later.
Pain feels different, more like a memory than my fate,
And the smiling faces on my wall tell me
I didn’t need to drown to get saved.

-Jackie

Reading The Court Transcript: Manipulation

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Oh, but I know what happened.

Yes, I know that happened.

It happened.

You don’t need to tell me it did.

You don’t need to confirm.

The mountains were mine to move,

So were the storms.

There’s no shred of doubt so there’s nothing to prove.

He taught me that things could get worse.

You taught me things could get better.

That’s how it works.

But you’re not the recipient of this letter.

It was me all along,

Sitting in closets, haunting my soul,

Yelling at wind, singing songs,

Begging for a chance to become whole.

And all along I knew it was a trick.

Your words, they’re kind yet they sting,

Everyone around me got sick,

And butterflies lost their wings

While you told me you didn’t intend it to hurt.

You molded me like I wasn’t human,

Branded me a savage and a brute,

So it became the norm.

Now time passes and you sit with your truth,

Eat it up like a worm.

I know who did it so I’ll sit with mine,

Play your game of pantomime,

And if I’m wrong,

I’m fine being the one who crossed a line.

But if I’m not…

My heart is a prison, and I’ll assign you a cell where you can rot.

Because it happened.

-Jackie

Mugs

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The tea is warm, and my voice jumps an octave higher.

I spit out the words; they fall on the floor.

Face flushing, breath getting out of control.

You stump on my pieces and you ask me for more.

I was confused at first, lost a year to dead ends.

My body came apart at the seams each night.

Even friends told me I should stop crying wolf,

Even books asked me if I thought I was right.

You had your time exploring, picking at my brain,

Making sure I stayed busy while you observed.

When the nagging feeling escaped from my lips,

You took less than a moment to call me absurd.

Your first mistake was choosing me as a target,

Your second mistake was leaving footprints on graves,

Your third mistake was making yourself a martyr,

Your fourth mistake was thinking I don’t play games.

The tea is cold, and my voice stays cool and low.

I let the words roll off my tongue and I watch you.

Face flushing, breath shaking, no hint of a smirk.

Don’t you beg for comfort,

Don’t you ask for rescue.

-Jackie

Lost and found

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Photo from Pixabay on Pexels

Why don’t you want to sit with me?

These smog-covered streets are fading

And I need someone to take a sip with me.

The grey of the sky melts into the smoke filled ground.

There’s still no one on my side.

Should I hand over my heart to the lost and found?

Ash is strangling me as time drips into the hourglass.

Not a person in sight, nobody’s showing up…

Is this a benchmark I need to pass?

Do I have to?

***

I was falling apart for the longest time back then, completely alone in the crisp air.

People came around but no matter how hard I pushed, they sat next to me and brushed my hair.

They never stood up or even moved

Through my absurd jokes and frightening moods.

I never took it as a promise. Nothing is granted.

But for that moment in time I didn’t feel stranded.

***

Now it’s back to the start. How can I be so sure?

What if I see them again

And the memories are just a blur?

The grayest of trees cover my cheeks discreetly.

Why don’t you want to sit with me?

Did you ever really meet me?

-JW

Another ABBA song

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Photo by Retha Ferguson from Pexels

Sudden sparks of passion and subtle love is all you’ve wanted to give

When everything I asked for was honesty – because I don’t have time to kill.

To my caring sentiments you never respond with effort, but the second I turn

Is when you decide to crawl back? Are you finally out of women to burn?

My jokes you don’t understand when they’re teasing.

The only time I’ve seen you cry is when I left you desperate and freezing.

But I’m done with the chase, and you hate me for daring

To not hold you down until I hear swearing. Or tearing

Of my already sore patience when it comes to you and your kind.

If you thought I would fall, you’re the one that’s out of the mind.

And I’m sorry it’s only your shortfalls we’re addressing.

However, all you see in me is another girl – in a different dressing.

Or is it not like that and your lack of answers should sound intriguing?

But then again – you must be the only soul whose red signs I’m not reading.

You know, I wrote this when another ABBA song was playing on the radio

In my neck of the woods. Where you always lose me – and I want to let it go.

Yet the way you swallow me slowly, re-do the interior of my moral code

Makes me think twice before leaving, before hitting the road.

Maybe your insanities are keeping me from overload.

But maybe in the series of my life you’re the most tragic episode.

(I would’ve bowed at the end – if the life lightened the load.)

-JW