The monster I raised is no longer inside.
No running or hiding from the spoiled evening tide.
Relief bouncing off walls, exploding from the chest.
I want to rest. I want to rest. I just want to rest.
Birds chirping to some long forgotten symphonies.
I dance and I swear, no one sees –
I can do as I please.
When I’m alone, I control all the seas
But only as long as the monster agrees.
-JW
No one warned me before I jumped head first into the deep end
That dying inside for one chance to get free is a pretty high value to spend.
But I did it to escape, one way or another, from the bullies in my skull,
From the pyromaniac in my chest, from the pills that make me dull.
I flew off the roofs of reason and dropped faster than a rock towards the unknown.
Who knew that having it all meant being deprived of everything, except the throne?
Looking back I can now admit that being insensitive has its benefits.
Ice so cold in my eyes, there’s nothing reflecting, no hope, just blitz.
Violence comes easy when you don’t feel in debt of compassion anymore –
Baby, are you ready to quit or do you want to take a hit once more?
-JW
It’s true that Jackie once wrote:
“It was so clear that he was the only one for me.”
Or Lana imagined it. I don’t care as long as I agree
That the feeling is poignant, to the bone. It grips you.
The life you could’ve had without him passes by your very eyes,
So long, so far that no one recognizes that it’s you. It’s true.
The feeling traps pain and you doubt the sincerity of it building up,
Of it trying to escape your ribcage like a prison, then saying it’s a cover up.
My thoughts are his now but it also makes them more vivid.
It’s sometimes unbearable to think that one day we’ll become stiff
And rigid.
***
Since the time you introduced me to yourself, we were tied
By being the concierges of each other’s darkness for this ride.
Owning somebody’s piece of mind
Also makes you a participant in the crime
But what is the point of playing it safe and sound
If reality keeps hitting us harder with every round?
“It was so clear that he was the only one for me,” I keep repeating this line
As if you could hear it. I keep trying to survive. You’re the fence to my vine.
I must’ve really gotten my money’s worth when I cut you out
Of the picture I was once so happy to own and show around.
***
If he could only hear me out for one minute
On how I’ve never doubted his love or his repute…
Now it’s all gone in the winds and I can only remember –
I’ve never wanted to wake up since that September.
-JW
The Daily Writing of Jackie Wright 