Month: Mar 2020

Good Gossip

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All good gossip starts with a little truth.

Remember when I called you reckless

And you deemed me as rude?

All simple favors have debts in them too –

If you learn to read between the smiles,

You catch people-hatred just like a flu.

Not a single villain is glorified, truly,

What prettifies their immoral actions

Is the world that’s unruly.

I’m shaking your moral stances like a hurricane

But all that comes out is another victim to blame

And it’s tiresome, yes, yet I can’t stop smiling

When you kiss me with your knuckle because I am whining.

My mother told me I’m too reasonable to chase you

And my friends called you dumb, they were ready to face you

Just to put you in your place – but they wouldn’t understand

How I can both want to spit on your grave and hold your hand.

What a disgrace.

-JW

Seeing Red

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You sat there, one feet away, your arm right by mine. Your warmth – numbing.

I wish they could see me getting looked at this way.

They said I’m just trouble and my father left because of my shortcomings.

You brushed the fear away and you held me back when I was seeing red.

But when the sand castles I built came apart, I was screaming at the sea –

And yet, you didn’t see me as a threat.

You called me crazy a few times, I called you a moron, and we called it a day.

No matter what happens, your cheek in my hand is what matters,

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You danced to the silly records I put on this afternoon when you thought it’s lost.

The circles you drew in the air while smiling at me

Was probably what I loved the most.

You have to go soon. You don’t know it yet but you have to leave.

I will drop out of this manic phase, I will break your heart without noticing.

By the corner we met you will heave.

You still are the only person I’m truly sorry to. I wish they could see me.

The way you looked at me like you could read between the lines of my mind

Made me think you could never leave me.

You know you can’t. I promise I’ll make it easy. My love, I swear –

If I had everything in this world, the only thing I’d me missing

Is having your scent to wear

Around my veins and arteries, pulsating,

Spreading your sweet naivety across the room

Slowly detonating

The strings of my heart.

My love, I’m only playing the part.

-JW

Seventh Heaven?

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I can smell it in your hair – how you’ve missed me yesterday.

I can sense in in your stride – how you want to hold me tight

And whisper in my ear that it’s OK.

I’m so blissfully in love, can you imagine?

My friends would kill me if they knew

How this affair is truly tragic.

The way I burn myself to keep you from freezing

Is not romantic. And if you think I’m blind, please don’t,

I know that I’m not only pleasing him or teasing.

My body gets more tired as the days go by but I don’t feel it –

The manic episode is up and running, no need to heal it

With another dose of pills that once again will make me livid…

There’s nothing less true than me being furious, why do I have to live it

If I can just keep falling for you each day, over and over?

For the first time I feel like I don’t have to look over my shoulder

As I don’t believe my past can figure out my location in seventh heaven.

I’m finally going to confess my love when the clock strikes eleven.

Will you be there when I come clean of the heaviness chasing me?

Will you be there just for the thrills, for the sight you’ll see?

Will you beg me to leave or once again touch my jawline with your eyes,

Acting as you’ve never heard the cries

My body makes when we’re alone and I hear you breathing…

But I hear your body too some days.

It’s pleading.

-JW

Not My Father’s Daughter

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The spoiled poor kid strikes again, self-sabotaging everything pure.

“The pit is filled with snakes, my dear, don’t you try to act mature.”

Slouching through the system without a clear purpose, not really searching –

Hanging by a threat on the moonlit streets, one leg down, helplessly lurching.

Seven hundred steps to safety. The battery died a few thousands ago, no buzzing.

He left all the debt to the children, all the riches to the second cousin.

No one left to care, no one left to drag his cold body out the ditch this time around.

Or is it a grave? Excuse my forgetfulness, the third time this happened I lost the count.

“Love,” he says, “these cities are filled with thieves and morons, be safe.”

When I almost killed myself chasing you, I realized there’s nothing left to save

In this burning building that you buried me under when leaving. I was sleeping.

Haven’t got a good night’s sleep since then, I always sense the gas seeping

Through the vents and floors, and everything you touched in my life passing by…

It’s been five years since we talked. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

I’ve had five years to rebuild everything, but let me tell you this, and I won’t repeat:

I am so glad you were not by my side.

Had to teach myself how to breathe. How to eat.

And I had to learn how to grow up so quickly,

And I realized it takes so little to love people

When all you wanted to teach was how to kill everyone who cared, and do it slickly. Swiftly.

Oh, father, you poor spoiled kid.

Greed is what made you live off-the-grid,

Pride is what pushed you to make the bid.

Don’t blame the cities or systems for what you did.

If you want to sell souls, let the next be yours for a quarter of quid.

-JW

Detained

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The only way that you’re pretty

Is that you’re pretty mean.

Hate to like you so much, baby,

But I love your hips, so lean.

The only way you’re chill

Is when your jokes are cold.

Can’t stop laughing at my own expense,

Can’t believe you’re still this bold.

The only way you’re sweet

Is when you sugarcoat your lies.

I’m not surprised, but you’re so neat.

Didn’t you know –

Don’t get high on your own supplies?

The only way that you’re outstanding

Is how naïve you can remain.

Hate to love you’re fits and swearing

But by your side I’ll be detained.

-JW

Bloodline

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Have bled through the walls of this haunted house I’ve built for myself

While others called me a quitter I stitched it, bookshelf by bookshelf.

It’s a nasty process, crawling through corpses to find yourself –

At one point you stop worrying about the medals and only attack to repel.

Have cried rivers for all the wrong people and killed my darlings in the process,

But no one told me it’s wrong – they only asked me to hide and oppress.

So I learned from my sins. I built a fence around the house so I can care less.

Took me two years to figure out that you only gain deeds if you aggress.

Have spat into the eyes of gods when they asked me to die, this I don’t regret.

Sure, not that happy about living another day, but I hate losing a bet,

Especially the one my bloodline put on my head, framed my photo in vignette.

The fact that I made it out in one piece, in cold sweat,

Always seemed to make them upset.

-JW

I hate this poem…

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I’m gonna love you from a distance. I’m gonna want you from a far.

I keep telling myself lies – that I’m good when we’re apart.

Sitting here, drinking, and hoping that a car ran me over today, twice.

For looking into those deadly nightshade eyes of yours I have to pay the price.

Have loved you for a week again, will hate you for the months to come –

But clearly that’s alright. I’d chug a pint of poison if it tastes like bubble gum.

Never been the quiet type, observer or admirer. I fucking hate this poem too.

When and why did I go blind? Why do I wonder tirelessly, without a clue?

I haven’t lost a part of me in you, yet what scares me the most here

Is that I’ve found something new, and that’s simply not fair.

None of my friends dare to ask what I’m truly feeling because they know

Once the truth’s out I’ll chase you like Wall Street guys from 80-s chased some blow.

I’m scared of ruining everything for you, but is there anything left to spoil?

When you speak of anyone else, the temperature raises as my blood begins to boil.

I’ve gone too low, I’ll admit it. My skull seems to be damaged with a crowbar.

Yet… I’m gonna love you from a distance. I’m gonna want you from a far.

-JW

Little Lies

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They lied when they said that people need water to live.

I’ve been driving for 6 hours and this road has no give.

I’m tired of looking over my shoulder, chasing the sun,

When there’s nothing I need more than someone saying –

You don’t have to run.

They lied when they said that people need air to survive.

I’ve been suffocating for a decade, lacking a peace of mind.

Riding down the roads that are never-ending feels like ice skating

On the thinnest of surfaces – sometimes delightful, yet what I really miss

Is taking a breath that’s invigorating.

They lied when they said that people need love to be alive.

I’ve never once felt deader than whilst I was falling. Let me take five.

Hunting my dreadful past means more dire futures are in the making

But I’m immune to seeing paths less self-destructive as pain does the trick

Of keeping me from ever truly waking.

-JW

Pyromaniac In My Chest

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No one warned me before I jumped head first into the deep end

That dying inside for one chance to get free is a pretty high value to spend.

But I did it to escape, one way or another, from the bullies in my skull,

From the pyromaniac in my chest, from the pills that make me dull.

I flew off the roofs of reason and dropped faster than a rock towards the unknown.

Who knew that having it all meant being deprived of everything, except the throne?

Looking back I can now admit that being insensitive has its benefits.

Ice so cold in my eyes, there’s nothing reflecting, no hope, just blitz.

Violence comes easy when you don’t feel in debt of compassion anymore –

Baby, are you ready to quit or do you want to take a hit once more?

-JW

Written in Indigo

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You’re my ride or die, whether you leave or try. You’re my own.

I don’t really possess you but you can never leave when I groan.

Left a box of my belongings by the door the other day, without a note.

Put a rose on it the next day and a list of poems that you wrote

Thinking of how we’re making each other mad again, how I’m crazy

And you’re out of your mind. We only stopped fighting when we got lazy.

You’re the worst. You’re the devil. You’re everything I hate about this world,

Even a bit more, as you overexaggerate my words and make the truth look whirled.

I want to say “fine” when you’re leaving again but I can’t stop myself from saying –

Please stay. And you raise your voice again, I lose control. I bet the neighbors are praying.

***

I’m so glad this story only exists in my head.

I could’ve kissed you back then but I didn’t, I fled.

I knew if I touched your lips to cause a mayhem,

I would never be capable to function without them.

You’re the reason I’m dancing in the streets in my nightgown, drawing in blood

Messages to all the lovers that said I’m no good.

I’ve never felt like I’m no good with you, even when I’m sincere.

But I’ve also never seen a pair of eyes that I would kill to keep. Oh, dear.

I can’t promise I won’t kiss you tomorrow.

We’ll see if I dare or drown in my sorrow.

Hope it’s both. Our love story will be written in indigo.

Red. Yellow. Skin color. Then again – vertigo

From your fist. Where to go?

-JW