Month: Mar 2020

No one’s coming

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Can’t keep my stare away from pretty people.

Can’t keep my hands away from broken things.

I’m so enchanted when I know you will not say “no” to these flames –

But who’s gonna save you when I’m choking you with tears on late evenings?

Never been in such a power position, never played these power games.

Do we just burst through the roof with sensation or do we ignore the desires and feelings?

Messing with your realities has been one hell of a ride but I’m wasted

And you’re probably getting high on your own ego again…

The sadness in your smile, I can taste it,

But sensing you near still wakes me up like cocaine.

Who am I really mocking here? You or me? Can’t be both, we’re nothing alike,

The worst of friends. Best of enemies. Can’t treat you humanly but can’t help treating you nicely.

Yet every storm that shakes you, kills me a bit. Are they planning a strike?

Do people know what’s going on? Are they attacking so we never choose wisely?

No one’s coming to save us anyway so go on, entice me.

-JW

Hopeless

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No one knows this but I’m a hopeless romantic on most days.

Chasing after men that don’t need me, only want me. What an unfruitful play.

No one cares but I get attached too easily. Being apart brings this sensation

That burns up my insides and heart. From afar it must look distasteful.

No one bats an eye but my demons are stepping on my heels each evening –

I have to face them, yet I also have to do so much overdue healing.

No one hears this but I cry to myself when I lock the doors in my cheap apartment.

You must think I’m really lucky. The truth is – for my sadness I’ve just built

Another compartment. What an assortment.

-JW

A Dream

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My imagination keeps hurting me, it’s making up these memories.

It’s brining up these things that never happened, and playing the saddest melodies.

I needed very little but you made it complicated. You made me the fool.

For the rest of my days I’ll regret thinking that I knew you. I’ll make it a rule:

That you never lay your thirsty glaze on my spine before I grab a knife.

But you don’t make it easy, you read into my words. Please, get a life.

Pack your bags and go torture another creature in love with the helpless.

I would write a memoir about your messes, but there’s not a book that would sell less.

My imagination keeps hurting me, it’s bringing up these late night feelings.

But let’s not waste our time on those who are out of sight, let’s go with the proceedings.

By all means, let’s not waste another second discussing unimportant affairs.

We all know that love only tastes good when it’s mixed fair.

-JW

Loudmouth

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Can’t take another step in that direction, cannot proceed

With acting like nothing’s lost. Like I don’t have mouths to feed.

What if it’s only my greedy mouth, who cares?

It won’t be your feet that’s cold. Won’t be your feet that’s bear.

For better or worse, I’ve always decided to climb despite the weather.

The tallest of mountains I’ll conquer just for the headline and aether.

No one cares if the loudmouth eats by the end of the day, do they?

“They’re here to distract and get the job done, and they never really obey.”

Who are you to judge who gets paid when you don’t know the job?

I’ve been bleeding and barely breathing for the past four months,

Feels like I’ve got robbed.

But there’s no place for my angst here, have to suffer alone.

They’ll ensure I never blink or roll my eyes, and watch the tone.

“You better pick up you phone

Before the fat lady sings,

Otherwise, you’re gone.

Don’t walk the place like it’s your own.”

How about you watch while I spill your deepest fears and a few cheap beers

In the fucking cell while your bosses hear –

I bet they will be all ears…

-JW

Bittersweet Melody

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How do you live being soft-spoken? No shrieking, no debilitating insomnia or an axe in your chest?

How do you go on another day not feeling broken? Do you wake up after good 8 hours more stitched together than the rest?

It’s not a walk in the park to explain how my anxieties and other ticks make a day worse by the second.

Not to brag, but I want to leave my mark: crawling to every finish line with anxiety on my neck,

Yet coming in second.

The moment someone realizes I’m not kidding when I say I’m depressed is a bittersweet melody to my ears –

What a time to be alive, we’ve progressed. What a time to be alive… Now they know my worst fears.

Hope they ignore the tears. And open tears.

-JW

Why You Don’t Love Me

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I’m not the most sincere, yet I’m clearly the most honest.

When it comes to my sharp tongue, it won’t keep a sweet promise.

I’m a good liar, and everyone hates people like that –

“Come on, at least pretend you suck, pretend you’re wearing the joker’s hat.”

I don’t trust people who can hurt me, but they do trust me.

It’s a curse. Yet – you’re trying to push me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I will never let a person so close they can compromise my existence,

And you hate it the most – as we’re always going to have some distance

Between us, something like a lump you cannot swallow or spit out,

Of things that I shouldn’t speak, but for some reason – you can’t live without…

Knowing. Why do you have to know?

Why do you have to learn my meaning

As if I was a faulty definition in the dictionary and not a single editor

Got the time for re-reading.

But that’s not all. I speak up when I’m hurt, and I speak up for others, too.

I put myself in the harm’s way for people I barely know

Because that is what people who can take some hits do.

You hate that I can make friends because I’m not divisive,

My tone might be ironic but it’s not derisive.

I’m silly and I’m foolish, and I can take a fucking joke.

I can laugh about the fact that I’m overloaded, yet still this broke.

Until you can’t love me, I’m fine. This list is alive.

I’ve got some morals, standards and I will revive.

You not caring is the reason I survive.

-JW

Neon Blues

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Met you in an empty beach, so lonely and dry, it resembled a deserted island.

Took you for a walk through the greenest of forests, through waters of diamond,

I made the fields of flowers bloom for your green eyes, but they cut me deep

When your smirk pushed me down a hill so dangerously steep.

Met you in the lowest of trenches, Marianas couldn’t stand a chance –

The darkness was pushing my head against the metal, death and I had this dance

Where she took a step to the left, and I went in for a kiss like it’s nothing.

Somehow she always missed the veins but her rejections was awfully cutting.

Met you in the coldest of winters. Love, it’s still freezing, my bones are brittle.

I’ve stood for months in this weather when I promised – I’d stay just a little.

My hands have gone numb, my vision is blurry, and I cannot follow your voice

As you refused to speak when my blood froze – like I had a choice.

Met you in a ball, so crowded and loud. The air was heavy from my lustful breath.

You were dressed in white, and when you saw me – you acted as we’ve never met.

The candlelight spilled all over my shoulders and turned my anger neon blue.

Why do you keep building worlds where we’re only strangers

When it’s always been just about you?

-JW

Amy

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Find me messing with some sharp objects during the eclipse,

Find me licking the knife and then biting your lips

With my bleeding mouth wide open, trickling red serum…

You know that I’m a lost cause, but you want to fix it –

That’s my theorem.

Watch me dancing with nocturnal animals, throwing rhinestones,

Watch it burn down as I laugh because the fire cannot damage bones.

You know the only thing you can trust in me is that I’m going to change,

And when it happens, I will take your heart with me to crush it –

It’s strange, I’m the end of you but also your sage.

Hear me explaining the arrival of distant memories and other diseases,

Hear my lies spilling down your collar, minus eleven degrees

Is OK for you to handle.

Something makes me believe you would catch me if you could

For a brief moment quit being the king of the hill and realize –

I’m really no good.

-JW

Silver Ladders

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Silver ladders put against all my walls, it looks like a movie scene

That almost got an award that year – but the director was way too mean.

Silver ladders pushing my doors closed. My home is now a prison.

If one more ladder is put on the floor, my room becomes a prism.

Happy, indulgent people waiting by the window, waving their flags high –

Some are white, some technicolor. The love of my life is fluttering red, oh my.

Dissatisfied, poorly fed faces are licking my door knob, religiously,

Like the taste of the metal will sing to them and let them speak to me.

My mind’s been stuck in a loop so I’m in no place to escape –

Have to stay still, listening to their dim curses, listening as they berate.

The ceiling’s slowly drooping, pressing on my open mouth. My teeth are breaking.

Please remind me, friend, why did I have to stab the truth when I was never faking?

-JW

When They Dragged You Away…

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I cannot write a decent goddamn sentence when you’re not close.

The words just don’t come out right when I can’t rip off your clothes

And strangle your body until everything’s written about, everything’s touched.

I was burning alive when they dragged you away but the people simply watched.

Can’t pull myself together for another second. I need to hear you think.

Never been able to look into somebody’s soul, but I do see yours – unless you blink

And tear it all up with not so loving notes on how I’m not rational. Again.

When they dragged you away, a part of me whispered: “Amen.”

But when it comes to obvious things and stating the facts, it’s simple –

Have loved you since the day you smiled at me one morning. Threw away my wimple.

It sounds dumb, let’s not pretend I ever sound wise speaking of you,

Yet – if I never wrote about your eyes, none of my writing would be true

As each time I sit down to create a tiny graveyard made up from words,

My chest aches. “Write “I love you” a hundred times. Until it no longer hurts.”

-JW