Feb 2020 – Page 3 – The Daily Writing of Jackie Wright

By the Arête

9. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

It’s been eighteen months since I’ve touched a scale to deal with the itch.

For full seventeen months I haven’t been called a righteous bitch.

Weighing myself is still a daily task for me though, don’t be blinded,

The things I get done feel like nothing and I start getting winded.

The constant rush to be leading is leaving me shattered in the evenings

But now the broken mirrors won’t really reflect what I’m eating.

There are pros and cons for having a hunger, and that’s a fact.

No matter the hunger, at the end of the day you feel like you’ve signed a pact.

Some mornings my life’s hanging on a string by the arête

As they’re stealing my ideas, copyrighted with blood on the concrete.

Some nightmares wake me quicker than seeing my bile in the drain

And I keep reminding myself that the self-pity has died in vain.

I have changed. It is not the same.

***

It’s been one billion little lies later. My brain has gone quiet.

I’m not wanting to diet but it’s not a riot.

I’m ready to pave a way, striate.

-JW

Not to Sound Banal

8. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

I always fall for people that I let too close to my chest,

As if vulnerability is some kind of drug I need to test.

My empathy is the worst of my foes, a real placebo effect –

It has misplaced my senses with fragile defenses,

Impossible to detect.

Have been feeling defective, yet finding new ways to cope,

Subsisting by flirting with people whose morals are broke.

Now I’m sure that whoever likes me can never be whole.

People with ideals are as far from me and as frigid

As the goddamn South Pole.

It’s been strange how I’m feeding my egos with lovers I tease –

With some I’m just playing, but some I put right on their knees.

We all know that worst things in life come strictly in threes:

One lost soul, one misguided bishop , one sin

Well hidden in the diocese.

Let’s take a ride, baby, let’s rocket right through my bitterness

Masked as temptation, poorly hidden in wraps of my selfishness.

I would still take home every soul who has lowered my walls

As I’m not capable of walking away from tragedy,

Not to sound banal.

-JW

The Three Half-Truths

7. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

Anger is never a loud clamor covered in a cast iron case–

It’s a lot of dissonance trapped in a narrow space.

An Olympic arena filled with control freaks

Or people who followed because they could not sleep.

It’s always been about how you tell a story, not about how you live it.

Three sour half-truths make poisonous decoy a gimmick.

Give or take, the fog is raising and building a cruel circus –

You know too much when I’ve barely scratched the surface.

***

We know each other through shiny shower heads and hotel parking lots,

And we know that neither of us is the breadwinner type when coming up with devious plots.

My bloodline branded you as one that has a wondering eye, no Lasik,

And your wife would agree when you touch my thighs, so pervasive.

I’m too weary to concentrate on those calling me a schemer or escort,

Too tired of senseless forgiveness about taking it one step too short.

All I want is your hand in mine but what I get is risible ire,

An irritating need to keep you as my wonderful, wonderful desire

Whilst the world goes more haywire.

-JW

A Hearse

6. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

My arms are twisted from the heaviness of your lust.

Without your stare on my neck the world seems unjust.

I don’t want you. You make me worse. You’re my hearse.

But your passion for violence feels like a blessing

And not a curse.

We’re both trying to swim in this hurricane that is raging up north.

At the end, what will it all be worth?

Is this another tale where I was a fix up for an unruly mind?

Is this a contract that we both signed to get fined –

So I could crush my ego, and you could throw out your principles

To feel less invincible?

Less cynical?

Let’s not pretend we can make it alone. And let’s not be naïve –

If we hold on to each other for a moment or less,

We will slice one another in order to aggrieve –

To inflict more pain than necessary, to commit atrocities

Just to later heal the bruises with some sumptuosity.

***

I guess this is destiny. Never believed in one, never will,

But looking at you makes me feel like there’s no time to kill.

Be still, my beating heart. Be still.

-JW

Every 5 minutes

5. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

Every 5 minutes I save your inanity with my insanity in the making,

Every other morning I hate your profanities – as they are backbreaking.

Your dull words with their made up sanctity force my lips to become abrasive.

Should I let you go or keep fissioning while I pretend to embrace it?

What comes next is never a given with you, and it frightens me fiercely.

The next time your bright eyes darken, should I count your shots and wait out the first three?

Should I lay low or shoot back, or fall deeper?

I am not the one to admit the victory of the reaper.

But my personal little deaths always looked like your face.

It’s at the finish line of every track, of every race.

Could have sworn – no one ever told me about the truths you face

Looking for someone to chase at your own pace.

Even 5 years ago I was ready to conquer my two star town for the title,

Even people I barely knew viewed my mind as a funny farm or a spital.

My insides were filled with flammable liquids but I got used to drowning.

Should I spit out the flames now or should I try putting them out

with all the drinks that I’m downing?

You would know the answer to that, love, wouldn’t you?

How come the worst of my demons is the one that is true?

I am not the one to deny that my pride is a fallen virtue.

So why does every time you step on it feel less like a torture

And more like a comically tragic ending to the heroine

Whose emancipation narrators rooted for but they could not fit it in?

***

Every 5 minutes I save my insanity with you mortality in the making,

Every other morning I still love your lethalities – as they are breathtaking.

-JW

To Stop The Duel

3. Feb, 20203. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

How did it go from me never settling for anything less

To me being the angriest person you’d meet on a workday

Because of the stress?

How did my pain become a part of someone’s reality

When the only truth I sought was the ability to stop ignoring my alarm

Because of my fragility?

How did my nightmares about failing

Involve into daydreams of bailing

On the life I know – like I didn’t build it, at all,

As if I was someone’s undeserving thrall.

I know it takes two to tango but why can’t I stop the duel

When my feet are on fire, yet numb,

But they keep adding the fuel?

I know it’s my desperation speaking when I have no time to eat

As they munch away on my future and money

But try to keep it discrete.

I know I should’ve pushed harder,

Knowing this tale is a two-parter

And I didn’t have anything to lose back then.

But it still felt like hell when the clock struck ten.

How do we pretend and keep avoiding the questioning?

It is much easier, of course, to ignore the reckoning,

But is it promising?

Have we become the jurors and prisons for our own sentencing?

The background noises are quickening, they might become deafening.

Call me when the standards are settling.

-JW

The Coast is Not Clear

2. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

If you took a peek inside my words, if you glanced through the mendacious keyhole,

You’d see the truest parts of me and how they each play a role –

My own heart can’t be trusted as it’s often acting as the mole.

I’m just a broken person, your narrative won’t ever make me whole.

“Believe me” can be harsh words to yell when you’re cornered,

Especially, when there’s not a single supporter in your corner.

It’s hard to feel fulfilled surviving on some empty calories,

Depending on a lust for blood coming from all the crowds you please. From your enemies.

Tired of walking the line but you can’t step away from it either.

“All your exits are blocked, honey, go and take a breather.

It’s going to be just fine. Now, go get in the freezer.

It will help with the burning fever of becoming a leader.”

***

Fingers are trembling, touching the broken screen –

Can you ever feel truly seen? Or do you only get your spleen

And a vivid red spite to go with it, waiting in line for the guillotine?

I can’t believe I didn’t end this when I was fifteen.

On a more hopeless note, it’s been two days since I last took a shower.

Been working so hard on proving my worth to some superior power

Which I’ve never believed in or prayed to in the first place, but what’s the use

Of being an atheist if you’ve always preferred some systematic abuse.

Called myself “worthy” on the bus ride home, but that’s simply a fraction

Of the fights I have to win with my demons. This is the first wave, the first contraction.

What we need is a true call to action, no abstraction or extractions

Away from the truth – with its burned edges and imperfect boundaries.

We will not sleep on this – or do what we’re told. I beg you, please.

At this time there’s so much pain we have to help ease,

So many smoking guns we must reach in order to seize.

Life with a price on your head was never for the influential –

It’s meant for the power hungry on the barricades, the so called “nonessential”.

Climb faster and aim for the higher ground, avoid the pestilential.

One day more to fight the confidential. To answer the existential.

To fasten our credentials.

To get the attention

Or pack the essentials

And leave – like we were never really here,

But I really hope they hear.

My dear, they will not always adhere.

One day they will learn to confront,

Even when the coast is not clear.

-JW

Sugar of Lead

1. Feb, 2020 jackiewrightauthorLeave a comment

I want to open you up the way you tried to open up my guts.

The way you bled me dry with all the feedbacks and the interrupts

While simultaneously dreaming of me as some cold cuts

On your dinner table – too bad you were always a klutz.

I trusted your instincts the way I never trusted my own.

The only sounds you want to hear from me are quiet groans –

It’s never easy to admit I’m not silly and that I have grown.

Yet the hardest part to bear is that I’ve set silence as your ringtone.

The farthest part from truth is the closest to reality. At least – mostly.

I don’t dream of lives or of deaths because I don’t sleep.

Don’t shush the lion inside before the propane cranes rise above me

And knock the crap out of my conscience. That’s one thing I should keep.

But nothing is sacred when a victimless crime takes its place.

The only rights or wrongs in this scene are how you set the pace.

As the lack of air will cause them some trouble when I puncture,

They will deem myself as a culprit when I’m really just the vulture.

Isn’t it the culture?

I lose structure.

My loose morals do rupture –

But I won’t break unless they capture.

A few good men

And loose pieces in my head.

With all due disrespect,

You die the way you make your bed.

Red. Inbred. Unthread.

Whatever’s your excuse, you’re not mislead.

This is the place you should pray to drop dead

Before fed the sugar of lead.

-JW